Smell the Blog

Saturday, November 30, 2002
Republicans eager to push agenda

This could be dangerous. I support the Republicans right now, but if they push to hard and too far to the right, they'll lose me and countless others. However, very little that I read in their agenda list looks that bad. While pushing to try to reverse Roe v. Wade is suicide, pushing to ban partial birth abortions is not, at least I don't think it is. I believe polls have shown that the majority of Americans do not support legal parital birth abortions. As long as the first trimester, health of the mother, rape and incest are kept on the board, the Republicans should be fine.

Faith based initiatives are a little dicey. I'm not quite sure I'm on board with all that. Churches can be more effective in getting aid to those who need it, but that doesn't mean they all will be. And who's to define what is a legitimate religous based organization and what is a sham? Do Wiccans get an opportunity at the dough. My advice to the religious groups is to run from this money. You don't want the red tape or the headaches anyway.

Other nuggets like partial privitization of Social Security have shown the Republicans to be on the side of the majority. If they can just control themselves on the Christian Conservative side, they'll do just fine.

I dropped the soap, let's kill the infidels!

From the Boston Globe:

Federal law enforcement officials are concerned that Al Qaeda is targeting what authorities fear is an increasingly fertile breeding ground for Islamic extremism: US prisons.

That's not the only thing prisons are a fertile breeding ground for. What about anal rape? Perhaps that's how the recruitment takes place. While he's in the shower, an Al Qaeda plant drops the soap in front of the recruit and then tells him all about the glorious jihad against the Western infidels that put him in prison as he pounds away from behind. Seems to go hand in hand. Making a pact to violate the fabric of civilization while violating the out door.

Treason of the Intellectuals

From the Armed and Dangerous weblog. A fascinating read on what the so-called intellectuals want to do to us and what's behind their moral relativism and Blame America attitude. There's no way I can spin humor into this one. It's just a good read.

Zippity Doo Dah, Zippity BARF!!

And once again, the hurl is flying on a Disney cruise. Maybe they need to quit showing the passengers Pocahontas as the evening movie.

Friday, November 29, 2002
Elusive Male Orgasm Discovered

From the Onion. Who knew that the Center For The Graphic Depiction Of The Human Sexual Act was at Harvard? I would have thought it would be at Oral Roberts.

Vegetarians Be Gone!

OK, this is just ridiculous. Vegetarians are up in arms because Tenn. Gov. Don Sundquist won't sign a proclaimation establishing a statewide "Vegetarian Month". He's being accused of "discriminating" against vegetarians. Are people for real? Should I be pissed because he won't sign a proclaimation declaring a statewide "Steak, fries and a side salad month?" How about a pizza month? Atkins Diet month? Fish and rice month? Thai food month? Someone needs to be beaten over the head with an olive loaf.

Miracle saves town from lava flow

Boy, they could have used this archbishop at that liqour store to work on those bees!

Bees hold customers hostage in liquor store

It turns out they wanted some Boone's Farm, $3 million wired to a Swiss Bank account and a plane to Cuba.

Norway set to ban smoking in all public places

What the story fails to mention is that anyone caught smoking in a public place will have a fire hose turned on them. Tough love, baby!

Of course one solution to cure your TiVo

I simply turned off the feature that seeks out TV shows you might like. It never really recorded anything we really wanted to watch (and I don't watch tons of TV as it is). I use it more for pausing live TV and seeing the shows that I know I like. We don't get a moment to watch TV until after the kids are in bed around 9PM.

What's worse than your TiVO thinking you're gay?

How about your TiVo thinking you like programs with Joan (and/or Melissa) Rivers? The shame. The horror.

Mint Milano

I think everyone my age (early 30's) grew up watching Who's the Boss and lusting after Alyssa Milano (and simultaneously being grossed out by the grandmother Mona. Someone needed to put her and Rue McClanahan from Golden Girls on a cruise ship back to reality. Ladies, you ain't purty.) Anyways, I saw her in a movie called Evening of the Vampire a few years back. I thought for sure after seeing that film that Alyssa was one step away from becoming a full fledged porn star. (nude orgies, making out with women, lots of nudity, good flick).

Anyway, I have no real point. I just like talking about Alyssa. As you were.

Somebody put an APB out for Kirk Cameron.

On second thought, never mind.

The next step in Reality TV

OK, my big idea is a show called No Dumps Allowed. You get 10 or 12 people in a room and stuff them full of beans, mexican food, broccoli, tomatoes, apple juice, bran muffins etc. They HAVE to eat, a lot, for one full day before taping begins. You catheter them and hook bags under their clothes so they don't have to worry about urinating. There's only one door out of the room they're in. That leads to the bathrooms. Whoever can hold out the longest without releasing the pressure from their bowels wins. Make sure the room has no circulation. That way all those beans take full effect. We can watch them all as they double over with cramping desperately trying to hold it in.

Hey, you think I'm sick, but have you watched crap like Fear Factor and The Bachelor. Trust me, it won't be long before they start a channel called the Toilet Channel 24 hours of watching people relieve themselves. Script writing is a lost art.

Hot underpants

Wow, these bandits stole $13,000 worth of racy underwear! Where's Bill Clinton and what's his alibi??

United near bankruptcy as machinists union rejects pay cuts

Hey, who said unions had outlived their usefulness? They're still killing companies, aren't they? With any luck, these lunkheads will get what they deserve...a spot on the unemployment line.

Minn. Senator-elect Norm Coleman's billboard defaced

So, the "intellectual" left has decided to deface Sen. Coleman's billboard thanking voters for electing him but spray painting on it "Newest Member of SS". Is it any wonder your party lost a hold of the Senate and is now completely out of power? Do you have any idea how much this turns off independent voters like me from your party? Comparing Republicans to Nazis is so stupid that it really doesn't even deserve a response. Perhaps I could be equally as juvenile and refer to you all as "Members of the Politburo"? Well, whoever spray painted that sign, know that James Taggert and Wesley Mouch would be proud of you.

We have much to be thankful for

In no particular order:

1. Grapes
2. The Simpsons
3. Flat rocks that skip over water when you throw them
4. Casper Weinberger
5. Provo, Utah
6. my new house (yes, you should be thankful for my new house too. Otherwise I'd be much more pissy).
7. Heather Graham as Rollergirl
8. The Lakers are 5-11
9. No one is considering bringing back "BJ and the Bear" to television.
10. Erik Estrada
11. Wet Naps
12. Jennifer Lopez will be divorced in 6 months
13. Michael Jackson can't sell CD's anymore
14. Maybe, just maybe Bachman Turner Overdrive will do a reunion tour
15. Ding Dongs

Oh, I could go on and on, but as you see, our bounty already floweth over.

Season's Greetings?

Manheim Steamroller my ass.

Thursday, November 28, 2002
Michael Flatley is thinking about you.

He's out there....somewhere.....wondering why you haven't called. He just wants to DANCE. And he wants to do it for you. Ask yourself why you haven't surrendered to his will. Surrender now!


Have you ever noticed you can't fully digest corn?
That's all. I was just wondering if you had noticed. Thank you.

Final Thanksgiving Thoughts for this year

Now that the day is done and we have all eaten our fill of turkey, cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie, it's time to reflect on the day. Ask yourself this:


Ahem. Maybe you shoudn't ask yourself that.

Ah, the smells of Thanksgiving

Mmmmmm...pie! The smells of pie are in the air as my wife bakes a pumpkin AND an apple pie. And my wife doesn't make insta-pies. She bakes them from scratch. Mmm-hmmm, there's gonna be some good eatin' in this household tonight. Actually, we're off to the in-laws today. We won't be going over the river and through the woods. Does over the highway and through the strip-mall sound as romatic? Yeah, I didn't think so. It's not all that bad. Actually, we just recently bought a relatively new (3 yrs. old) house. We're in the Atlanta metro area but it's very pretty where we are. Trees, fields, even a horse farm! And we have to drive at least a couple of miles before we get to the nearest strip-mall. That's a long ways here in the Insta-Mall capital of the world. Atlanta has qualities which make it a wonderful place to live (climate being the #1 reason. Jobs would be #2). But if you are a lover of innovative architecture or historical buildings, this is NOT the place for you. Oh, I think there's a small traffic problem, too.

Paul McCartney

So, I watched the McCartney concert special on ABC last night. My wife and I saw his show when he was in Atlanta. It was an excellent show. I am a huge Beatles fan and I do like some of Paul's solo work as well. It's hard for me to quantify which Beatles/Paul songs are my favorites as I like different songs for different reasons. Each stirs different emotions and responses in me. I don't think one is necessarily "better" than the other. Still, if I had to, here are my 10 favorite McCartney-penned songs:

1. The Long and Winding Road

2. Hey Jude

3. Penny Lane

4. Let it Be

5. Maybe I'm Amazed

6. Back in the U.S.S.R.

7. Band on the Run

8. We Can Work it Out

9. Here, There and Everywhere

10. My Love (cheesy but I like it)

Wednesday, November 27, 2002
The Onion at its best

What can I say? These guys are the masters.

Yum! Crunchy Conservatives!

A column by Jonah Goldberg. I'm definitely not a crunchy-con. Consider me to be the chewy middle.

Man finds salvation, converts fun, racy sex shop to a boring old Christian book store

Well, thank the Lord for stories like this. We don't want folks having any fun or any sex. Hallelujiah, he burned his inventory ($10,000 worth). Now the good folks of Putney, KY can go back to Bible readings and having missionary sex with the lights out. Oh, and no foreplay! Remember, it's not enough to be married, your sex life has to be boring and staid, too.

I'd Rather Die Today than hear Madonna's "Die Another Day" again

Is it me or is this possibly the worst Bond theme ever? What was she thinking when she recorded this electronic piece of rubbish? No melody, lousy lyrics, crap why not just make the theme one of those endless drum n' bass "songs" that are (were?) so popular in Europe. Somebody needs to be beaten over the head with an olive loaf.

Airlines may have to be nationalized says airline official

You know, I think it's ironic that an airline official is proclaiming that the sky is falling. I find it laughable that she says "the government must reject the false premise that the airlines and their customers can or should bear this national defense burden." Well, toots, either way, we the people pay. Whether we pay the airlines directly for the costs, or the government through higher taxes, it's still our money paying for security. You just want the illusion of a lower cost to the consumer by not reflecting the costs through your ticket prices. That's really the argument she's making. Any talk of nationalizing airlines over this is pure idiocy.

Tuesday, November 26, 2002
Canadian PR firm representing Alberta gov't calls Bush "idiot"

This on the heels of advisor to Prime Minister Chretien, Francoise Ducros, calling Bush a moron. When asked about these comments, White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer called Ducros a "stupid-head" and the PR firm a bunch of "hosers".

Judge to allow filming of jury deliberations, toilet breaks

So, it seems the circus that was the OJ trial taught us nothing. A judge in a death penalty case in Texas has allowed PBS' Frontline to film the juries deliberations. Forget the fact that we're going to be treated to Bubba picking his nose for a second. Do the qualifications for serving on a jury now include being telegenic? Should we expect jurors to act the same in front of a camera as they would without one there? (that may not be a bad thing in some cases.) What this may end up doing is causing the complete disillusionment of the public with the jury system. It's long been my contention that the fate of legal cases should not be decided by people who:

Aren't trained in the law

Are easily swayed by slick attorneys who throw up smokescreens and distort facts

Couldn't get out of jury duty

Maybe I'm missing the potential here. We could make a great new reality TV show out of this. Instead of deliberating the facts of the case, jurors could engage in games of skill to see who gets to decide "guilty" or "not guilty". Or maybe we could involve viewers in voting for the most convincing juror. Talk about democracy at its finest!!! It makes me think of The Weakest Link, where the best and brightest contestants are voted off one by one by their imbesilic opponents until the two biggest idiots are left fighting over a pot of $10,000 out of a possible half million.

That's the way we should run our justice system!! Pardon me while I go swallow some Draino.

U.S. to possibly threaten action if Saudis don't crack down on terror fundings

Of course, they don't specify what sort of action the U.S. will take. Personally, I'd like to see them tell the Saudis that if they don't co-operate, that they're next on the checklist after Iraq. We all know that won't happen, though. It's aggravating to know that the biggest sponsor and harborer of terrorists is called one of our best allies. What crap.

Bush Gags on McBride, now new tape found.

Not only has an unaired campaign commercial surfaced showing outtakes with Gov. Jeb Bush gagging when asked about Bill McBride, but a new tape has surfaced showing the governor take a big dump on a picture of McBride and then leaving it on his front doorstep at 3AM a week before the election.

Disney Cruises: Sun, surf, food, exoitc ports, diarrhea, vomiting

Damn, it looks like those cruise ships have been bit by the runs again. I'll tell you what. My whole family caught this nasty bug a few weeks ago. We all basically spent 1-2 days simultaneously dumping and vomiting. I lost 6 pounds in 2 days. That may have been the worst damn thing I've ever had in my life. I feel for those folks. There's nothing like throwing up bile for hours after you've thrown up everything else to make you contemplate life.

Lies, lies, lies!!!

Saudia Arabia is angrily denying charges that they helped finance the 9/11 hijackers calling the reports "lies". While we're calling out lies, I'd just like to point out that any rumor you hear that I start drooling uncontrollably at the sight of Heather Graham is nothing more than evil, slanderous lies that will not tolerated. DO YOU HEAR ME!!! I will NOT tolerate anyone linking me to Heather Graham in any way shape or form!!! Are you writing this down!!!???

With Partners like these...

So the Bush administration is trying to sell to the public that the Saudis have been a "good partner" in the War on Terror. Yeah, and Tony Soprano would make a great partner in the War on Crime.

You know you're getting older when...

Has anyone ever watched that FOX TV show Grounded for Life? It's an OK show, nothing special. But one thing I've noticed that is a sure sign I'm getting old. I hardly even notice the daughter but I find the mom on the show to be incredibly hot.

Monday, November 25, 2002
Santa, would you pee in this cup?

Apparently, malls are doing background tests and drug tests on prospective Santas for the holiday season. Boy, when they find out he spends 364 days a year holed up with a bunch of midgets, I bet that throws up one mother of a red flag.

Musical Porn

A creative genius decides to stage an Off Broadway production of "Debbie Does Dallas". The play stays true to the script of the classic original film, but minus the nudity and sex. Gee, and to think I was going to waste my money on "Phantom of the Oprea". I think I'll wait until they do a stage production of "Edward Penishands".

Hide the liquor bottles.

The Bush twins turn 21 today. Stock prices for Anheuiser-Busch, Miller Brewing Co. and Coors are all up 15-25% at noon today.

Red Sox hire Epstein as GM

As a Red Sox fan, I think this is the right move. Too much attention was focused on his age and not enough on the glowing recommendations he was getting from many top baseball executives.

Sunday, November 24, 2002
Screeching to the Oldies

Anyone want to know what it sounds like when wounded raccoons sing old 60's hits? Check out this horrid band from New Zealand on (You know you want to listen. Just like when someone tells you the milk is rancid and you smell it anyway).

"This is your last campaign."

So now Democratic candidates are threatening Republican candidates? LOL, who knows whether or not that was meant as an actual threat or just a prediction that Terrell would lose. I think a fitting ending to the debate would have been for the two candidates to be put in a circle surrounded by spectators. Put a knife in the middle of the circle and then let them wrestle for it. They can play the old Star Trek fight music that they used when Capt. Kirk did the same thing.

Gammons Notes 25 Things Wrong with Major League Baseball

OK, while it is not my intention to make this a sports blog, I am a large sports fan (baseball in particular). From time to time I'll be making posts about sports. It's my blog, why the hell not? Besides, no one is reading it besides me and my family anyway. Some of my thoughts about Gammons' comments:
1. Gammons is right about PR dictating off-season moves. In the recent past the Orioles, Mets, and Rangers have loaded themselves down with bad contracts in the offseason and yet the Phillies are looking to lock of 3 or 4 free agents for 4 years at big money. This approach rarely ever works. The way to winning is pouring your money into scouting and player development and the occasional free agent addition. Occasional.

2. The closer is the dumbest role in baseball. What they need to do is bring back the fireman. Rollie Fingers, Dick Radatz, Bruce Sutter and Goose Gossage were all firemen. Pitchers who came into tight situations no matter what time of the game it was. 4th inning, 7th inning, didn't matter. They'd pitch 1, 2 3 or more innings. There is NO reason to bring in your best bullpen pitchers with a 3 run lead to start the 9th inning. When you're clining to a 1 run lead with runners on in the 7th inning, you don't summon some "set-up man" scrub, you call in your best. Saves are almost meaningless.

4. Amen to no bunting before the 7th in the AL. Never, ever waste outs early in a game.

7. Anyone who slides into first base obviously didn't take physics. What cracks me up is listening to Joe Morgan claim that sometimes sliding is faster than running through. LOL, OK Joe, whatever you say.

12. Forget the 5 game division series. Play 7 games or get rid of that round of playoffs.

18. Arbitration is one of the worst things to ever happen to baseball. I don't understand why they don't move up free agency eligibility to 4 or 5 years and eliminate free agency. Poorer teams are non-tendering guys who are too expensive when they hit aribitration eligibility now anyway. What's the point of 6 years?
21. There's an old saying "You can't steal first base." Amen to that.