Smell the Blog

Thursday, December 05, 2002
In the Crapper

Apparently, MSNBC's ratings can't get much lower. I have a grand idea to revive the moribund cable news network. Fuse MSNBC's hard hitting journalism, with the eye-popping appeal of Naked News! They can lure some of FOX's hotties away. Get Laurie Dhue, E.D. Hill, and a few others. Maybe get Paula Zahn from CNN. Nothing like a dose of the war on Iraq with a dose of boobage, I say.

I'll be expecting my consulting check from GE any day now.

You can pick your friends

OK, so far I've been linked from Google searches for Erik Estrada, Star Trek fight music and Norm Coleman, but this one takes the cake.
I was linked from a Google search for Jennifer Lopez picks her nose.

My head is swelling right now.

Wednesday, December 04, 2002
What would it be like to be a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Photographer?

Um, I don't know, I guess it would feel like being a guy with a boner who's drooling all over his shirt while babbling nonsensically. That's my wild guess.

My solution to the Hootie Johnson/Martha Burke flap

Hootie doesn't want women in Augusta National yet, Martha does. I say Augusta National invites Grace Jones to join. I think she qualifies as either sex so everyone should be happy!

Just doing my part!

I knew we shouldn't have sent Maxwell Smart on the U.N. Inspection team

U.N. inspectors searching for Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction are really U.S. and Israeli spies, Iraq's vice president said Wednesday.

I just can't believe the Iraqis would make such a claim. Who would have thought the the Iraqis would be SO brazen as to suggest that the U.N. inspectors are spies for the U.S. and those evil, evil Zionists. And to think I thought the Iraqis were more level headed than that. Silly me! When will I ever learn?

p.s. The fact that I'm not a millionaire living in the Virgin Islands eating fruit from the hand of Heather Graham is a Zionist plot. You heard it here first.

p.p.s. Do you think it was the cones of silence that gave the inspectors away? Or the shoe phones?

Kofi says "Saddam is being way cool about inspections"

U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan disputed the Bush Administration' claims that Saddam Hussein is not cooperating with U.N. Weapons Inspectors. In a statement today, Annan said "Hey man, Saddam is being way cool about inspections. I was like, 'Hey Saddy, you're not gonna be given us the razzies are you?' And Saddy was like 'Hey dude this Big Daddy Saddy! I wouldn't push no BS on you.' And I was like 'Do you swear?' and he was like, 'Dude, I double swear!' And then we each spit in our hands and shook on it. So that's like, you know, unbreakable."

The Bush Administration has not yet commented on Annan's statement.

Jerry Springer: The Opera

An outrageous opera based on Jerry Springer's lurid talk show is to have its world premiere at Britain's National Theater.

You know what they say. It ain't over until the fat hooker throws a chair at the transvestite.

Tuesday, December 03, 2002
John Kerry Outlines Economic Plan

Some highlights:

Kerry proposed giving people a one-off exemption from paying Social Security tax on the first $10,000 of income, and said this would provide $765 in spending money for each worker. He said the shortfall for the retirement fund would be made up from federal funds.

That's fine as far as it goes I suppose. Since the Social Security Fund is pulling in more tax receipts than its paying out in benefits right now, there is no shortfall to make up. All it means is that there will be less "investment" of surplus funds in government bonds that would then go into the general treasury to be spent.

Under his proposal, "every worker in America would immediately receive a larger tax cut than the Bush tax cut," the three-term Massachusetts senator told a civic group in Cleveland.

Well, for one year it would be bigger. But the Bush tax cut that refunded $300 or $600 to all Americans who paid income taxes is permanent (a reduction of the 15% bracket to 10%). Kerry's, if I read it corrently, is a one time cut. So that's not facutally true.

Kerry accused Bush of causing the federal budget deficit with his own tax cuts, which Democrats say were slanted more toward benefiting the well-off.

Blah, blah blah. Actually, the Bush tax cut in a vacuum would not have caused deficits. The economic downturn caused deficits. You could argue the Bush tax cut didn't help, but the recession most definitely caused the deficits.

He said he would also advocate tax credits to companies for each new job or pay raise granted to employees.

Sigh. More complexity. But hey, I'm a CPA. This keeps guys like me employed. As far as tax credits go, I suppose it's not a bad idea.

For fast-growing small businesses, Kerry suggested a program under which the firms could opt to take a "loan" on up to $250,000 of their federal taxes owed if the money was reinvested -- a program he said would create 600,000 jobs within three years.

Hmmm. How long would they have to pay it back? What's the interest rate? Might not be a bad idea. Have to think about it.

At least Kerry is adopting a more pro-business stance. That can only help his chances. At least it's better than the leftist dogma I was expecting.

Poor pitiful Saudis

My heart bleeds for the poor Saudis. So unfairly maligned in the U.S. by the press and the people. Here's a good quote for you from Prince Abdullah:

"The atmosphere in the United States, unfortunately, is 'it's a feeding frenzy,' it's 'let's bash the Saudis' time," he added. "We are guilty before we say anything. We are guilty as charged. Nobody looks at the evidence."

Ok, let's look at the evidence. Last I checked, 15 of 19 hijackers came from Saudi Arabia. When you address that problem my dear Prince, come back to us and we'll revisit our attitude.

Swim? No, no thanks. I...uh..forgot my trunks.

Click above to find out the name of this lake. What, was Lake Pus already taken?

Didn't Johnny Fever get suspended for saying this?

Now we all know why the internet was invented. Where else would we go to get questions like this answered. I wonder if I can find out what "dingleberry" means?

Phildaelphia Orcehstra drenched during rehersal by sprinklers

Maybe they were playing Handel's Water Music.

Monday, December 02, 2002
Supremes to look at Anal Sex

I bet Clarence Thomas can't wait. Seriously, though, i'm not worried about banning sodomy so much as I'm wondering if they'll ban tea bagging.

Redford says "too much oil, not enough people watching my movies."

Robert Redford is the latest actor to chastise the Bush Administration. This time its for being beholden to Big Oil and not pursuing alternative energy sources like solar and wind power. Look, I'm as big an advocate for alternative energy sources as anyone. But this just shows how stupid actors can be and how it's better to say nothing and have others think you're a fool than to open your mouth and prove you're a fool. Solar and wind energy are nice where applicable. But they are NOT the answer to our oil dependence. Solar energy is massively inefficient (it takes TONS of panels to power one home, let alone a small town or city). We would have to cover the nation in solar panel and wind turbines to create enough energy to drive this country. That would have a much worse environmental impact than oil and coal currently does (needless to say).

If you want clean energy with no pollution and no dependence on the Middle East, might I suggest nuclear?

Now if you'll pardon me, I'm going to call Robert "Benson" Guillaume to get his opinion on North Korea.

Sunday, December 01, 2002
SEC facing personnel shortages, leadership void

Well, since the SEC can't police the rogue companies, it's time for the people to step in. Specifically, it's time for some Vigilante Accountants to step in. Dressed in leather, with their studded briefcases and brass calculators. It's time to start cracking some skulls and balance sheets!!! The CPA Brigade is on the loose. Mothers, keep your children indoors. The world will not be safe for 3 martini lunches or offshore shadow companies! It's time to wail on some CFO's with a Bostonian up the ass!


So I just watched the "Beautiful Day" concert that aired on CBS last night. I had it TiVo'd (love that box!) I have always struggled with trying to decide which U2 album I think is their best. For years I've been torn between The Joshua Tree and Achtung Baby. Obviously The Joshua Tree was the most popular, but Achtung was quite popular, too. But that's not what I'm basing my opinion on. Tree was just so grandiose. A blast of anthemic rock with soaring vocals and beautiful melodies. Achtung was just so, different when I first heard it. They had managed to completely reinvent themselves. Something many bands try and very few succeed. The evolution from War to Tree was amazing in and of itself. They had tried to delve into American Jazz and Soul music on Rattle and Hum to mixed results at best. But Achtung just blew me away. I think I was a junior or senior in college.

Well, after slowly sliding towards the land of the Rolling Stones for the rest of the 90's, U2 rescued themselves from being just a nostalgia act by releasing All That You Can't Leave Behind. The first 4 tracks are just unbelievable. It's almost like U2 decided that since everyone was abandoning old fashioned, earnest rock n' roll, it was time for the masters to take up the torch once again. Behind has brought them all the way back again, some 20 years after they first started out. Now I can't decide between 3 albums.

Put a gun to my head I'd rank them:

1. The Joshua Tree

2. Acthung Baby

3. All That You Can't Leave Behind

But I could change my mind tomorrow.

Heady Times in Hartford?

They're very proud in my former home state. They're building a rather large convention center on the river in Hartford. This is the same location they wanted to build a football stadium for the New England Patriots before Bob Kraft dropped the joke on them that everyone else in America seemed to be in on accept the good folks of Connecticut. Psych!

Anyways, they've decided to build a convention center there instead. Fantastic. That's half the battle. Now all they need to do is convince companies or industries to hold conventions there. That should be easy, right? After all, you think of Hartford, you think fun! There's.....Well see you can....and then there's.....Uh oh.