Smell the Blog

Friday, December 13, 2002

Worship Me! Do my bidding!

Right to bear Arms, Right to Drop Trou?

In Australia, a man is suing in court to have his right to "moon" declared constitutionally protected speech. Personally, I think the right to moon should be related directly to the size and attractiveness of the person's posterior. For instance, it's legal and even encouraged for J-Lo to moon, but it is illegal, punishable by death for Camryn Manheim to moon anyone.

Billy Dee also says...

Can someone get me a job???

Billy Dee Williams says...

How about a nice, cool, smooth Colt 45?

Jeff Spicoli's Pilgrammage

Sean Penn is visiting Iraq. He had this to say:
"As a father, an actor, a film-maker and patriot, my visit to Iraq is for me a natural extension of my find my own voice on matters of conscience," Penn, once married to pop diva Madonna (news - web sites), said in a statement issued by the Institute of Public Accuracy.
Well thank the LORD for this. I couldn't live knowing Sean Penn hadn't found his voice on this matter. What would we do without Sean Penn adding his infinite wisdom to this grave matter? The pomposity and self-importance of actors and Hollywood types never ceases to amaze me.

Here's a bold prediction. Sean will visit Iraq, talk to suffering citizens and decide that America is to blame and Saddam is a pretty okee-dokee guy. Spare us the charade please and go back to playing pretend for a living.

Crash Into Me

So, an old man plowed into my car today. He decided he was going to try to take a left turn through my car. Al things considered, the car suffered very minor damage. It was more stressful because I was on my way to pick up the kids from day care and the clock ticks after 6:30PM. Sigh.

Thursday, December 12, 2002
Friends don't let friends run twice

Friends of Al Gore claim that he won't run for President in 2004.

In realted news, my friends claim I won't drool all over myself then pass out if Selma Hayek shows up at my door buck naked.

Ding Dong the Deal is Dead

Well, thank God the merger between Echostar and Hughes (DirecTV) is dead. I am a subscriber to DirecTv and had visions of my TV service quickly morphing into the substandard crap that is today's cable TV. Maybe there are some pure capitalists out there who can lecture me about why the merger would have been good for consumers, because I can't think of one good reason why it would have. Big, slow monolithic cable vs. big slow monolithic satellite doesn't appeal to me much. I believe history has shown that you need at least 3 competitors for an industry to retain its edge.

Damn, I was so looking forward to spending decaes on hold as my access card failed over and over and over and over....

A note on the lottery family

I guess it worked out for them, but spending $20 a day on lottery tickets is about the worst idea I've ever heard. Just think if they had devoted themselves to saving and investing $20 a day for their entire lives? They never would have had to worry about winning the lottery. 99.999999% of the time, their strategy wouldn't pay off. They don't call the lottery, "The tax on folks who are bad at math" for nothing.

p.s. Yes, I've been known to buy a ticket from time to time. They key being a ticket once in a while. I spend, maybe, $15 a year on lottery tickets.

Family wins lottery twice in same day

Shortly after claiming their prize, the family was struck by lightning and a large meteor rock.

Tales From the Hood

So now it comes out the Lott fought integration of his fraternity while in college. I'm waiting for the pictures of Trent taking off his white hood to come out any day now. Seriously, this baggage has to be thrown overboard. Time for new leadership in the Senate.

Tuesday, December 10, 2002
Smell the Blog's Secret Santa Suggestions

The holidays are upon us and many places of employment try to join in the holiday spirit by having "Secret Santa" day. This is where each employee who wishes to participate takes one name out of a hat and buys that person a gift. The gifts are given anonymously and much fun is had by all trying to guess who bought their gift. We here at Smell the Blog realize, though, that it's tough to shop for an appropriate gift for your co-workers. Here are some suggestions that will brighten up everyone's holiday:

1. Condoms-Nothing says Ho Ho Ho like a box of condoms. Who couldn't put these to good use?
2. Liquor- Nothing gets you through spending time with your family like our old friend Johnnie Walker
3. Smokes-Feed the monster
4. Ecstasy-For those Christmas Eve Raves
5. Handcuffs-Someone's been a naughty boy or girl!
6. Vibrators-The gift that keeps on giving
7. Monkeys-You know what they say about a barrel o'monkeys! You don't? You haven't lived.
8. A vial of your own blood-Something they can always carry around to remind them of that special Noel
9. McDonald's Gift Certificates-Give the gift of angioplasty
10. Pubic hair trimmer-Nothing like being freshly shorn

Man Survives Solely on Taco Bell Hot Sauce-Makes Run for the Toilet

Ah, you think that's harsh. At least he didn't have to survive on Waffle House food. That would be too much to ask of any man.

Mad Max IV? Mad Mel?

Oh boy, another Mad Max movie is going to be made! With any luck, we can get a bill with Rocky VI-The Quest for Humiliation or Cocoon III-They're Not Dead Yet at the Sequels That Should Never Have Been Made movie festival in Paramus, NJ.

The Mother of All Inferiority Complexes

A former scientist under Saddam thinks he has an inferiority complex. I don't know, maybe Saddam just wasn't held enough as a child. Parents, remember to give your kids posiive reinforcement. You just never know what could happen. One minute, the playground, the next minute, wholesale purges of your son's political party.

Make Peace Not War

Anti-war protestors across America rallied to try ro sway the government not to go to war today.
Although polls show that a majority of Americans support military action against Iraq if it refuses to disarm, the protesters said they believed their message was beginning to be heard by President Bush.
“I really think this anti-war movement has slowed down the war machine. Now we’ve got to ramp it up. Public opinion is the only buffer keeping us from going to war,” said Medea Benjamin, a member of the Women’s Peace Vigil at the Washington rally, which started outside an Army recruitment center.

Yeah, the President seems to be right there behind you. Before you know it he'll be marching up Pennsylvania Ave. singing "Kumbayah" and protesting the World Bank.
“I know that to keep my family as safe as possible, I have to try to stop this war,” said Benjamin, a mother of two whose small group has demonstrated daily outside the White House for weeks.
About 50 protesters huddled together in the cold, hopping from foot to foot, chanting, “This oil war has got to go.” Drivers honked in support in the rush-hour traffic. “Be a patriot — question the war monsters,” one poster said.

I think these two fine patriots should extend a hand in peace to Iraq and Al Qaeda. Of course, when the hands of the "infidels" get chopped off and they're strung up by their entrails, maybe they'll rethink their position that all everyone in the world really wants is to "Give Peace a Chance".
Kaepplinger, 84, said he had “been through the plume of hell in New Guinea” and did not want to see another war erupt. “As far as I’m concerned, President George II is as bad as Saddam Hussein,” he said.

OK, not to crap on a vet or anything, but what the *#$*#&$ is this guy talking about? Hey, give me a call the next time George II gasses some of his own citizens or you're hauled away to the dungeon if you vote against him. The very fact that you can say something so stupid and live shows there is no comparison between Bush and Hussein. Did this guy really fight for our country and yet miss the whole point that badly?

Monday, December 09, 2002
Chicago Mayor Daley to run again under slogan "Back From the Grave"

CHICAGO (STB)--Chicago mayor Richard Daley announced his plans to seek a fifth term today. "It is a tradition in this city to have a Daley in the mayor's office," Daley was quoted. "We fully expect to have our usual turnout of supporters across Chicago and its graveyards."

"Being the mayor of Chicago, at least the way I see it, is not just a job, it's a never-ending commitment to bring new ideas, energy and enthusiasm to solve problems, and seize the opportunity to make our city work for all Chicagoans, alive and dead" he said in announcing his bid for re-election at a South Side cemetary.

Daley faces no serious challengers and appears to head up an impregnable multiethnic coalition that draws votes from all segments of the city of 3 million live persons and over 10 million deceased. Four years ago he captured 70 percent of the live and dead vote against a black congressman. "That congressman just didn't have the grassroots support in our city's graveyards," said one Daley supporter at the time of the election.

If he wins and serves out his fifth four-year term since gaining office in 1989, Daley will have been mayor for 18 years -- edging closer to the 21-year tenure of his father, Richard J. Daley, who died in 1976 and has voted for his son all four times he has run.

Big surprise, Jackson, Sharpton demand for Lott to step down

Big shock that race baiters Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton have demanded that Senate Majority leader Trent Lott step down after some admittedly stupid comments at Strom Thurmond's retirement party.
"I want to say this about my state: when Strom Thurmond ran for president, we voted for him," Lott said. "We're proud of it. And if the rest of the country had followed our lead, we wouldn't have had all these problems over all these years, either."

Ok, this is a hideous thing to say. What the hell is wrong with Republicans anyway? They just got the momentum on their side and then their Senate leader says THIS about Strom Thurman's segregationist run for President??? What the *#&$*#&$?

That said, though, the day Jackson condemns Kwese Mfume for calling Bush and his cabinet the Taliban wing of the Republican Party or any other so-called black leader for spouting nonsense is the day I'll take his "demand" for action seriously. You can't ignore one side and demand consequences for the other. Either you're against racially divisive speech or you're not.

Now, that said, if the Republicans were smart, they would work behind the scenes and replace Lott with someone else as Majority leader. This kind of crap just gives the "Every Republican is a racist" moron ammo to use come election time. Why help them?

Celebrities have spoken, war no longer an option

Washington (STB)-- President Bush announced today that after reading a letter signed by 100 of our most distinguished celebrities, that he has agreed to cease and desist all "warmongering" talk about Iraq and will immediately FTD a bouquet of flowers to Iraqi President Saddam Hussein to show there is no hard feelings.

"How can I talk of waging war with Iraq when these celebrities, arguably our wisest citizens, have told me to 'Give Peace a Chance?'" Bush was quoted as saying in a press conference on the White House lawn today. "I have come to an agreement with the signers of this petition. I will cease all talk of war with Iraq, and they will agree to appear in a revival of the old ABC Special Night of 100 Stars. That way, everyone wins. We win, the American people win, Saddam Hussein wins, everyone. Well, except the Iraqi people, they're pretty much screwed. They'll continue to have to live under a brutual dictator who starves them and oppresses them daily."

President in his own mind Martin Sheen was quoted as saying, "It's a small price to pay for peace."

Sunday, December 08, 2002
Iraq weapons report

The following as a list of weapons we have here in Iraq:

12 Red Rider BB guns
1 kitchen knife
unwashed populace
sling shot
unexploded novelty caps
Saddam's case of raging herpes
500 lbs enriched uranium (to be used for non-weapons purposes. Really! honest to Allah. No shitting ya!)

I'm back

Sorry readers (all 3 of you), for being away all weekend. My father was in town from Connecticut and we spent the weekend entertaining. No time for blogging. I knew you're all just torn apart over this. Really, you'll get over it.