Humor, politics, satire, and other random acts of nonsense. Trying to walk the fine line between stupid and clever.

 
Iraq Refuses to Disarm, Cites Imminent U.S. Attack

An increasingly cornered Iraq complained yesterday it might be signing its own death warrant if it obeyed a United Nations order to destroy its weapons of mass destruction at the moment the US is poised to lead an invasion.

"They want us to destroy them at a time when we are threatened daily," said Owayed Ahmed Ali, the director of the Ibn al-Haithem plant, which produces the al-Samoud missiles, after another visit by UN weapons inspectors.

When it was pointed out to Ali that if Iraq disarmed completely, there would be no U.S. invasion, Ali responded, "How can you ask us to disarm when the U.S. wants to attack us for not disarming? By not disarming, we must be able to defend ourselves with our weapons of mass destruction, but if we disarm, we will be completely vulnerable to a U.S. attack. So my question to you is would you disarm if you faced disarmament by force and leave yourself vulnerable by disarming if that disarming was forced on you against you will leaving you disarmed? Answer me that smart guy."

Source Independent (UK)

posted by Paul at 7:10 PM

 
Rep. Dick Gephardt Discusses Candidacy, Diarrhea


Trying to fire up party activists after a weak showing in last fall's elections, four Democratic 2004 presidential hopefuls took on President Bush Friday at the Democratic National Committee's winter meeting in Washington DC, including Rep. Dick Gephardt. Gephardt used the forum to discuss his platform for his Presidential run in 2004 and his recent bout with diarrhea.

"I support what the President is doing in trying to disarm Iraq," said Gephardt. "Uh, excuse me, uh, these cramps are just awful. I've had the worst diarrhea for the last 8 hours and it just won't quit. Lord, I was in the bathroom non-stop for an hour before I arrived here. I was afraid they'd have to call in the HAZMAT teams. Good God, the stench could peel the paint off a wall."

Gephardt went on to vow to expand health care to all Americans and said the issue would help the party appeal to traditionally Republican voters currently swayed by other "niche" issues.

"The Republicans are squandering our hard-earned prosperity. Not only have we gone from record surpluses back into deficits, but...uhhh..oh my...excuse me for a minute!"

Rep. Gephardt returned after 20 minutes and hit on other key issues such as tax cuts for working families, a reinstatement of the estate tax and hate crime legislation. Gephardt closed by asking, "Does anyone have anything stronger than Pepto-Bismol here? It really just doesn't work. It just turns my poo black. Anyone? I really could use some Immodium AD. Does anyone have any? Please?"


posted by Paul at 7:27 PM

 
Death is Bad Enough...

But to die because you went to see Great White??? That's your final moments on Earth? Seeing Great White? I suppose it could have been worse. It could have been White Lion.
posted by Paul at 5:20 PM

 
The Reason We Need to Invade Iraq

No humor here. This is a MUST read by E. Nough at Thinking Meat. Once you read this you'll realize with the anti-war left is wrong and war is necessry, this time.

Thanks to Daily Pundit for the link.
posted by Paul at 1:47 PM

 
Martin Sheen New Face of Anti-War Ignorance in TV Spots


Martin Sheen is about to become the face of the Hollywood antiwar movement.

Sheen has cut a TV commercial in which he implores: "Don't invade Iraq. Inspections work; war won't." The ad is set to begin a one-week run today -- initially on CNN, MSNBC and CNN Headline News. The complete text of the commercial is as follows:

Hello, I'm Martin Sheen. You may also know me as your President of Conscience. Our government is currently considering a terrible act of aggression. What we're planning to do will cost the lives of innocent Iraqi people. Oh sure, many more Iraqis will die and be tortured as they live a life of misery and servitude under Saddam's iron boot if we don't do anything, but the important thing is that there is no war. War is bad. Everyone knows that. What has war ever accomplished?


Don't invade Iraq. Inspections work. War won't. We've only given the inspections 8 years to disarm Saddam. That's not enough time. How can we expect the inspectors to find willfully concealed weapons in the middle of a country the size of California and expect them to meet success so quickly? They need more time.

Saddam is on notice. He knows the world means business because there have been 17 UN resolutions over 12 years that have told him so. He wouldn't dare to defy world opinion.


We haven't met the criteria for war. Breaking the agreements of a signed cease-fire agreement and non-compliance with 17 UN resolutions is not a good enough reason to liberate the people of Iraq from a lifetime of misery. We need more than that. When it's time for war, we, the great minds of Hollywood and the intellectual left, will let you know. When you doubt that war is wrong, just think to yourself, What Would President Bartlett do? Then you'll have your answer. Thank you, and God Bless America.

Thanks to Yahoo News for source material.

posted by Paul at 7:18 PM

 
Porn Stars for Peace

Taking a cue from their mainstream Hollywood brethren, a group of porn stars signed a petition opposing the war against Iraq on Tueday. The petition called on President George W. Bush to "Give peace a chance", to "let the inspectors do their job" and to "spend less time worrying about Saddam and more time going down on your wife."

At a press conference annoucing their views, Jenna Jameson said, "We need to give the inspectors more time to disarm Saddam and find those weapons of mass destruction. I bet I know where Saddam is hiding one missle. I bet it's a really BIG missle. I could help him fire off that baby if he wants."

Veteran porn star Ron Jeremey also announced that he and 100 other porn stars would take place in a Group Sex-in to protest the war. "We plan on all lining up in the shape of a peace symbol while having sex with one another. We'll tape it and it will be available on-line for the low price of $9.99. We'll do anything to promote peace, as long as it involves hot sex.

Teri Weigel wrapped up the press conference by saying, "Give me peace George! Give it to me! Oh yeah, give it me good, oh yeah, ohhh,ohhh, yes, yes, YES, PEACE! YES!!!!"
posted by Paul at 6:32 PM

 
JFK Announces Presidential Run for 2004

In a startling turn of events today, former President John F. Kennedy has announced that he will be seeking the Democratic nomination for President in 2004. Speaking through a medium at a seance in Martha's Vineyard, MA, Kennedy said, "Have you seen the motley crew that is running for our party's ticket in 2004? I may be dead, but I've got a better shot of winning than any of these clowns. Al Sharpton? Dick Gephardt for God's sake? And why has my party lost it's set of cojones? You think I'd have sat idly by and let Saddam accumulate weapons of mass destruction? Think again!"
posted by Paul at 10:48 PM

 
Police Probe Propane Gas Tank Thefts

From ABC News:

Police today are investigating the theft of 65 tanks containing 1,300 pounds of explosive propane.

Harold Litwin, chief of operations for Buffalo Police, outlined three possible motives for the thefts: "They can resell them ... or they can be using them to heat a building," he said. "Or you could use a propane tank to make a bomb."

The 20-pound tanks, like those used for outdoor grills, were stolen on three separate occasions from convenience stores on Sunday, Friday and Feb. 1.

Smell the Blog has learned that police are currently questioning Hank Hill of Arlen, Texas, a self-described salesman of "propane and propane accessories".


posted by Paul at 10:41 PM

 
Joe Millionaire Gets a Half Million Dollars

OK, under duress, I admit I watched Millionaire last night. Let's set aside for a moment that he is the least suave guy I've ever seen. (uhhh..well, I didn't choose you).

What's the over/under and how long it takes ol' Evan to blow his wad? I say 9 months. Anyone?
posted by Paul at 10:10 PM

 
Georgia Business Leaders Oppose Referendum on Whether State is Filled With Racist Rednecks

Speaking as a Georgia resident, this whole flag affair really makes me ill. First of all, it's a FLAG for God's sake. It's a piece of cloth. What is wrong with these people who are so wrapped up in this piece of cloth that they actually base their vote for Governor of Georgia on such a stupid issue? Why do states even have flags anyway? States aren't nations and they never have been (I know, Texas was a republic).

Secondly, the only thing we'd accomplish by bringing back that Confederate Battle emblem is to show the whole nation that we're a state full of ignorant, racist morons. I don't want to hear any of that "Southern Heritage" bullcrap. The Southern Heritage is one of slavery and a lifestyle based on and supported by slavery. It's a heritage of Jim Crow laws and poll taxes. It's a heritage of the Klan and lynchings and "seperate but equal".

The Georgia state flag did NOT have the confederate battle emblem before 1956. In 1956, after Brown vs. Board of Education forced the desegregation of public schools, the Georgia Legislature, in a racist fit, spit back at the Supreme Court by changing the state flag to incorporate the Confederate battle emblem. The old state flag represents a racist snit, nothing more.

Good God, first I'm faced with having Bob Barr be my Congressman in 2 years and possibly having to hear a bunch of Whiskey-swilling necks yell Yee-Haw as they raise that God-forsaken flag up the pole in Atlanta again. Spare us, please.
posted by Paul at 10:06 PM

 
Welcome InstaPundit readers

Many, many thanks go out to Glenn for graciously linking me after I begged, (ahem) asked for a link. Hey, it worked for Peaceblog, why not for me too? I'm very new at this, so I hope you enjoy the good and ignore the bad. I try to cram writing here into what little spare time I have. It's a hobby, and a fun one at that. Oh, and any hate mail will be cheerfully stored in my round file.



p.s. Yes Glenn, I'm a HUGE Spinal Tap fan. I've seen it at least 30 times. I even own Break Like the Wind.
posted by Paul at 12:08 AM

 
McDonald's to Drop Big N' Tasty from Value Menu

And what a darn shame that is. The beauty of the name "Big N'Tasty", besides the clever substitution of N' for and, is that the name leaves itself open to interpretation. By calling it Big N'Tasty, they are not claiming that it actually tastes good, they're merely claiming it's "tasty". Something can taste like warmed over cow patties smothered with mayonnaise and still be "tasty". It has taste, just really shitty taste.
posted by Paul at 11:27 PM

 
President Who?

Next thing you'll tell me is that Gary Coleman has announced he's running for President. At least he has more name recognition than What's his Face from this article.
posted by Paul at 10:58 PM

 
NIMBY

Lord help me, Bob Barr is going to run for my district's (GA-6th) Congressional seat when incumbent Johnny Isaacson steps down to run for Zell Miller's Senate seat in 2004. Please someone, anyone out there throw your hat in the ring and keep Bob Barr from being my Congressman. I don't think I can handle the shame, the grandstanding, the paranoia. Anyone know a good moderate Republican who wants to represent the Georgia 6th?
posted by Paul at 10:56 PM

 
Tony Blair's Stirring Speech

I'm getting to be more of a Blair fan every day. To think some thought he was a Clinton clone (without the sex scandals). I have yet to hear the anti-war left come up with a sound argument against the logic he uses. Text obtained via Andrew Sullivan

Yes, there are consequences of war. If we remove Saddam by force, people will die and some will be innocent. And we must live with the consequences of our actions, even the unintended ones.

But there are also consequences of "stop the war".

If I took that advice, and did not insist on disarmament, yes, there would be no war. But there would still be Saddam. Many of the people marching will say they hate Saddam. But the consequences of taking their advice is that he stays in charge of Iraq, ruling the Iraqi people. A country that in 1978, the year before he seized power, was richer than Malaysia or Portugal. A country where today, 135 out of every 1000 Iraqi children die before the age of five - 70% of these deaths are from diarrhoea and respiratory infections that are easily preventable. Where almost a third of children born in the centre and south of Iraq have chronic malnutrition.

Where 60% of the people depend on Food Aid.

Where half the population of rural areas have no safe water.

Where every year and now, as we speak, tens of thousands of political prisoners languish in appalling conditions in Saddam's jails and are routinely executed.

Where in the past 15 years over 150,000 Shia Moslems in Southern Iraq and Moslem Kurds in Northern Iraq have been butchered; with up to four million Iraqis in exile round the world, including 350,000 now in Britain.

This isn't a regime with Weapons of Mass Destruction that is otherwise benign. This is a regime that contravenes every single principle or value anyone of our politics believes in.

There will be no march for the victims of Saddam, no protests about the thousands of children that die needlessly every year under his rule, no righteous anger over the torture chambers which if he is left in power, will be left in being.

I rejoice that we live in a country where peaceful protest is a natural part of our democratic process.

But I ask the marchers to understand this.

I do not seek unpopularity as a badge of honour. But sometimes it is the price of leadership. And the cost of conviction.

But as you watch your TV pictures of the march, ponder this:

If there are 500,000 on that march, that is still less than the number of people whose deaths Saddam has been responsible for.

If there are one million, that is still less than the number of people who died in the wars he started.

posted by Paul at 10:29 PM

 
Chirac cries, threatens to take ball and go home

All I have to say is this is really, really pathetic. A number of prospective European Union nations don't take France's side in the Iraq question and he threatens them with having their EU membersip rejected. The French really are a bunch of pussies.
posted by Paul at 10:22 PM

 
DeathStorm 2003 vs. Orange Alert Crisis

The following is an e-mail conversation I had with a friend of mine who lives in the Northeast U.S.

Me: So, did you have to work through DeathStorm 2003 today?

Bill: I'm definitely working today since the only bogus holidays
I get off these days are The Day After Thanksgiving and
The Second Half of Christmas Eve (which is a new one to
me with my Level 3 employment).
But we've only seen the initial fringes of DeathStorm 2003
here in Massachusetts so far. It's due to ravage the
Boston area for the next 24 hours. It's a storm of mass
destruction, and it's using "shock and awe" techniques.
I think we provoked it when we could have just let the
UN weather inspectors do their job.

Me: Damn unilateralists provoked a storm that could have been prevented.
Good luck with the icy death that DeathStorm 2003 will surely bring on. Be
sure to panic and watch lots of local news with hysteria inducing 24 hour
coverage. Also be sure to buy lots of duct tape.

Bill: Does the Orange Alert for terrorism override the Winter Storm
Warning? Am I supposed to participate in the run on duct tape
and plastic sheeting at the hardware store, or the run on
bread and milk at the grocery store? Which type of panic
takes precedence? My K-12 public school education didn't
prepare me to make these kinds of choices. Do the Al Qaeda
guys have snow tires?

Me: I believe Condi Rice said in a recent appearance on Meet the Press that while there was no direct evidence that Al Qaeda had snow tires, there is reliable intelligence that Al Qaeda may in fact be trying to acquire snow tires and may already have them. Satellite photos show suspicious activity around a Firestone Tire Store in a well-known Muslim neighborhood in Paramus, New Jersey.

My advice would be to participate fully in both panics. If you go to a Super Wal-Mart you can buy bread and milk as well as duct tape. I'm not sure if they have plastic sheeting at Wal-Mart, though. When in doubt, always panic first. Drive home recklessly from Wal-Mart, duct tape yourself into your apartment and then hide under the bed for the next 2 days eating bread, drinking milk and maybe a few Slim Jims. If you see any suspicious activity that might be Al Qaeda riding on snowmobiles, call Tom Ridge directly.

Serious times call for serious discussions.





posted by Paul at 1:51 PM

 
Take a Ride on the Appeasement Train

NEW HAVEN - Thousands of Connecticut activists jumped on a "Peace Train" that glided out of Union Station Saturday morning, bound for a protest in New York City against a war with Iraq. Bruce Martin, from the Milford-based Promoting Enduring Peace, said a coalition of Connecticut peace groups filled 17 New York City-bound passenger train cars with almost 2,000 people.

Protestors carried signs aboard the train reading "No War for Oil," "Not in Our Name," and "War is Old." On the platform, they chanted, "President Bush has got to go!"


We'll be sure to tell the people of Iraq after they're liberated from a brutual dictator that you had nothing to do with it and didn't support it from the start folks. Also, war is old??? Charity is old, too, what's your point? Why don't these people just come out and say that they don't support war for any reason, ever, anywhere? And that includes getting invaded or having more citizens mass-murdered.

"While Saddam has terrible weapons and may be an awful person, he hasn't made any specific threats to anyone," said Riachard Platt, a member of the Unitarian Society of New Haven and a veteran of the armed services.

That's might big of you to admit he's an awful person, Rich. Hitler never made specific threats to Poland until the tanks rolled in. Think we should wait for something like that to happen again? Remember Kuwait? Did you also know that Saddam signed a cease-fire agreement that he is not now, nor has he ever lived up to. Doesn't that make the cease-fire null and void?

Participating in anti-war activities was a good thing for all Americans to do," said Brian Festa, a 53-year-old high school teacher from Branford. "I haven't met anyone who totally supports a war in Iraq," he said. "They're either directly opposed to it, or they're so-so. I don't believe we're in any imminent danger from Saddam, whereas the opposite is true with North Korea." He said he hopes the peace rally in New York puts pressure on Congress. "I think the turnout will be a wake-up call to them," he said.


You obviously don't get out much Brian. I know a LOT of people who fully support the war. But since you brought it up, you must then support a full scale invasion of North Korea?

Linebaugh said he traveled on the Peace Train with friends because he feels his opinion is important. "I think what Bush is doing is wrong," he said. "Changing the regime in Iraq and meddling in other people's business. It's just wrong."

You're right, let bygones be bygones. If Saddam is murdering and torturing innocents, as long as it's out of sight and out of mind, what's the big deal, eh?
posted by Paul at 6:39 PM

 
DEATHSTORM 2003 set to obliterate Northeastern U.S.

My heart goes out to all my former friends living in the Northeast U.S. who are about to be wiped off the face of the earth by the upcoming winter DEATHSTORM 2003. Surely you will not be able to dig your way out of this one, as you did DEATHSTORM 2002, DEATHSTORM 2002 Part Deux, HOMEWRECKER STORM 1999, DEATHBLIZZARD 1995, etc. May God have mercy on your souls.
posted by Paul at 6:28 PM