Smell the Blog
Friday, February 28, 2003
Where's my Archives you Ask?
My luck, I get linked by DailyPundit and my archives disappear. Thank you Blogger. This only happens every other day. I'll be moving to Movable Type in this next few weeks with the help of Josh from Blog of Xanadu. Until then I have to put up with this.
Lileks on Dan Rather, Impending War and the Right Things Done by the Wrong Men
Interesting read. Via Blog of Xanadu
Source: This is London
The first person ever to receive a face transplant is likely to be a 16-year-old Irish girl who suffered horrific injuries as a baby when her father's car exploded into flames.
Doctors in America have reportedly already lined up the first American recipient of a face transplant. Pop star Michael Jackson will be receving the face of former TV and movie star Angela Lansbury.
Peaceful Disarmament of Iraq Continues According to France
French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin said on Friday that the peaceful disarmament of Iraq is continuing successfully. A new batch of weapons was turned over to UN Inspectors for destruction today.
”Today,” Villepin said, “Iraq has shown its continued willingness to cooperate with UN Inspectors by turning over more of its weapons stockpile. Iraq has turned over to inspectors four handguns, two grenades, a crossbow, a hunting knife, some good sized rocks and some diluted acid that could cause a very bad rash should it come in contact with exposed skin. I say to the Security Council that Saddam Hussein is disarming and that war is not necessary in the face of such goodwill.”
When asked about Villepin’s speech, U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said, “Well, the French would know about rashes, wouldn’t they?”
Russia To Block Any Attempt At UN Resolution Enforcement
From Yahoo News:
"Russia has the right to a veto in the U.N. Security Council and will use it if it is necessary in the interests of international stability," Ivanov said at a news conference.
That's an incredible quote. What Ivanov has basically said is that Russia will refuse to allow the actual enforcement of any of the 17 previous UN resolutions. Tell me again what the hell the point of the UN is if they will not enforce their own mandates? That's like arresting someone for a crime and turning them loose without actually punishing them. What motivation does that give to actually obey the rule of law?
Thursday, February 27, 2003
Couric Goes Insane
Millions of viewers of the Today Show on NBC were shocked when in the middle of an interview with health guru Richard Simmons about his new book Prancing Off the Pounds, Katie Couric suddenly went completely and totally insane.
Couric interrupted Simmons in mid-cry and suddenly jumped up on her chair. She began singing "Oklahoma" while lifting up her dress and showing her fire engine red underpants. She then ran to the windows where passersby outside 30 Rockefeller Center can watch the show being taped and lifted her shirt while screaming "You want to see a show, here's a show for you!" The last thing viewers saw before the shocked producers cut away was Courics twisted and maniacal face running towards the camera while Richard Simmons was crying hysterically in the background.
Couric is currently under 24 hour supervised care at an undisclosed location.
Next Level in Reality Series Reached
FOX has announced a new reality TV show that will bring the genre to the next level. The Show, Are You a Hot Naked Millionaire Bachelorette Who Can Sing While Getting Married By America?
According to FOX executive Lance Stanley, "It combines the best of all the features of the reality TV genre. You've got millions of dollars, a bachelorette, singing, America voting and, here's the kicker, hard core nudity!"
The show will follow a contestant as she sings in front of 3 judges, who pick at her physical appearance, while trying to fool eligible bachelors into thinking she has millions of dollars while America votes on who she will marry while she's naked.
The show debuts Thursday, March 7 at 9 PM.
I think the blog world should have an "Iron Blogger" contest. Kind of like Iron Chef. Today, you will blog about....THE FRENCH!
Wednesday, February 26, 2003
UN, Saddam Propose Historic Accord
Hans Blix arrived at the UN in New York today holding aloft and agreement reached between himself an Saddam Hussein this week. Blix proclaimed at a meeting of the UN Security Council that the agreement is "historic" and would finally bring about "peace in our time".
The framework agreed to by Blix and Hussein arranges for Iraq to disclose the location of one banned weapon per week. The UN inspectors will then arrive on site and verify the destruction of said weapon.
Blix said, "If our estimates of Saddam's arsenal are correct, he should be fully disarmed and in compliance with Resolution 1441 within 225 years. Finally, Iraq has agreed to a framework of disarmament and we will finally have the peace that we have all so desperately sought."
The agreement was immediately hailed by France and Germany as the answer that the UN has been desperately searching for to resolve the Iraq crisis and that it was obvious the US could not refuse to ratify such a bold agreement. There was no immedaite comment from U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell, who was seen in a corner of the room beating his head through the wall.
New Weapon in the Fight Against Telemarketers
TeleFence, a Charlotte based telecommunications company, announced a new invention today that will help consumers in the fight against intrusive telemarketers. The invention, called ShockWave, attaches to your phone. When a telemarketer calls and you answer the phone, you simply press the red button on the ShockWave device. The device then sends a very strong electric pulse through the phone lines. The consumer will know it has worked when he or she hears the agony filled screams of the telemarketer on the other end.
The base level ShockWave device emits one 5 second pulse and starts at $89.99. Upgraded models can emit 3 different levels of pulse strength and can emit pulses for as long as 30 seconds, for those truly stubborn telemarketers.
When asked about how safe these devices were, TeleFence CEO Brad Lohaus said, "We've done extensive testing on this device and have involved some of the finest medical researchers and doctors. There is no medical danger to anyone who is on the receiving end of these shocks. Oh sure, they'll have a wild hairdo and maybe some slight burn marks on the ears, but there will be no permanent damage. We feel there will be a huge demand for these devices, especially since these arrogant telemarketing pricks keep inventing new ways to by-pass new privacy technology designed to keep them out of our homes. Since they can't take a hint, we'll drop the subtlety and speak loud and clear."
Blog of Xanadu has been added to the links on the left. Josh loves tweaking the same targets I do (Hollywood nitwits, peaceniks, human shields) and shares the same love of Lord of the Rings. Drop on by and give him a read. You'll be glad you did.
Tuesday, February 25, 2003
American Idol Needs a Breath of Fresh Songs
I watched Idol again tonight. I'm a certified addict. One theme I've noticed going through the judges' comments is that the "song choice was all wrong for you". I would tend to agree that the contestants just aren't picking the kinds of songs that would really get them noticed by the American public. What they need is someone like me picking songs for them. Here are just a few of my song suggestions for the Idol contestants for future competitions:
Everybody's Kung Fu Fighting
Baby's Got Back
Ice Ice Baby
Cum On Feel the Noise
Shine On You Crazy Diamond
Tiny Bubbles (Don Ho)
Fat Bottom Girls
Flash Gordon Theme (Queen) Flash..Aaaaaa..He saved everyone of us!
The End (The Doors)
The Sun is a Mass of Incandescent Gas (They Might Be Giants)
If I Had $1,000,000
Elvira (Oak Ridge Boys)
Take This Job and Shove It (as a loving tribute to the late Johnny Paycheck)
Mmmmm mmmm mmm mmmm
Any Roger Waters solo song
Any Yoko Ono song
These are just a few of the ideas I have. I've got tons more where those came from. No, no, no need to thank me. I perform a service. When you win Idol you can toss me a percentage of your contract and a producer credit on your CD.
Hewlett-Packard Announces New Earnings Goals Thanks to Major Cost Cutting Move
Computer and printer maker Hewlett-Packard Co. today announced a bold initiative to cut costs, which allowed them to revise their earnings projections for the first quarter of 2003.
Palo Alto, California-based HP announced that by switching from Quilted 2 ply toiler paper in its company rest rooms to generic one ply toilet paper, the company would achieve a huge cost savings of about $3,000 per year. This allowed the company to revise its projected 1st quarter net income from $721 million to $721 million and 3 thousand dollars.
Said HP VP of Operations Harold Davis, "It's bold cost cutting moves like this that show we are committed to our shareholders and committed to be the leanest, meanest computer and printer maker in the world. We may have really sore butts, but we won't have to be sore losers!"
Michael Jackson Sues Himself Over Home Movies
In a surprise move today, attorneys for pop star Michael Jackson have filed suit against himself for the public airing of home movies which portray him as "crazy and unstable".
The singer gave an interview to the TV show Dateline NBC and allowed them to air about 20 minutes worth of footage from home movies taken by Jackson and the various children he has over for "sleepovers". In the footage, Jackson exhibited incredibly bizzare behavior and talked extensively about his various plastic surgeries.
The singer was reportedly furious at himself after he saw the movies air on TV and decided to sue himself for defamation of character and selectively choosing only home movies that didn't show "the real me".
Defendent Jackson could not be reached for comment.
Monday, February 24, 2003
Anti War Movement Deploys Shields & Yarnell to Iraq
At a press conference held today in San Francisco, various anti-war movements gathered to announce the deployment of Humans Shields & Yarnell to Iraq in the hopes of diverting U.S. attacks.
Anti-war spokesperson Jennie Giaquinta said, "After we had read that the big busload of human shields had made it to Iraq successfully, we were very encouraged. Some us felt, though, that may not be enough of a deterrant to the evil Bush junta. Therefore, we decided to send beloved 70's mime act Shields & Yarnell to Iraq. We feel that not even Adolf Bush and his minions could find it in their heart to extinguish the lives of two of America's greatest entertainers. After all, everyone loves a mime, right?"
Shields & Yarnell were not available for comment. Their manager did deliver this statement from the famous duo, " ".
Welcome 3 new great blogs to my links:
The Talking Dog
And the last has been on my list for a week or so now, but here's the official announcement for The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiller
I'm at work now so I can't go into any more detail but check them out. They're all terrific reads.
Sunday, February 23, 2003
OK, no satire here, this is the honest deal. I never watch MTV anymore. Bill Maher once Called MTV "evil" and I pretty much side with him on that opinion. Not because of the music but because of the message that image is everything and nothing else matters. They sell a lifestyle of the thin, cool and beautiful and if you don't measure up to that standard, well then you might as well go crawl under a rock. It's a horrible message that they send to American teens.
Today I happened to be in the basement apartment to my house, where my sister lives. She had MTV on. MTV "news" happened to come on an they were "reporting" on the war with Iraq. It was basically a show filled with one-sided anti-war propaganda. It was shameless and slimy and was putting out misinformation better than Saddam could ever hope to accomplish.
The worst offender was an "interview" conducted by an MTV "reporter" with an Iraqi family, specifically 3 teenage boys. They asked the boys what they thought of America and the war. They were saying their family was going to flee to Jordan and they asked George Bush to please not do this to the Iraqi people. They then brought us on a tour of their house. They had a nicer house than anyone I knew growing up. They had 2 nice cars, Playstations, and listened to the Backstreet Boys and Britney Spears. The obvious message MTV was trying to plant in the minds of American youths is that Iraqis are just like us so when we attack them, all these innocent folks who live lives just like ours will needlessly die. What a total crock of shit.
MTV goes out and picks a family that is completely non-representative of the average Iraqi family in an attempt to sway us into thinking we're bombing folks who live pretty much like we do. Iraqis do not live lives like us. They do not vote (not in real elections anyway), they have no freedom of speech and if they speak out against the government they DIE. Most Iraqis live in poverty, and no my friend, that is not the fault of the US. It is Saddam's fault.
This was propaganda of the most shameless variety. If there are significant portions of our nation's youth that rely on this tripe as their source of "news", then it's no wonder so many young people seem to skew so far to the left. They posted an "MTV Poll" that showed 82% of Americans supported invading Iraq only with UN support. Given that the average MTV viewer is between the ages of 12 and 21, I guess we shouldn't be too surprised by that statisitic. But it's also shamelessly misleading.
The recent peace protests were also shown and many comments from peace protestors were aired. Not one, repeat, not one war supporter was given any air time to rebut any of the idiocy that was aired.
I guess I should't be surprised. It is hardly news that MTV is spitting out leftist propaganda on its "news" show. I just didn't quite digest this fact until I saw it for myself. I'd write them, but what do they care what a 31 year old CPA thinks? I'm hardly their target audience.
Idiotarian Anti-War Ramblings to Replace Music at Tonight's Grammy Awards
The organizers and performers involved in tonight's Grammy Awards have decided to do away with the usual musical performances and concentrate on an ill-informed, emotion-filled, yet factless anti-war message.
Musician Sheryl Crow said, "Instead of musical performances, each artist will get on stage holding the anti-war placard of their choice. There's "No War for Oil", "Bush is Hitler", "What Has Saddam Done to the U.S." and many, many more. If we have time, we'll hand out a few of the awards, because that will allow the winner the time needed to share his or her anti-war platform."
When asked if the show will address the need for Saddam Hussein to disarm in order to comply with U.N. resolutions, or Saddam's brutual repression of his own people or his desire to dominate the entire Middle East under his own iron boot, Crow responded, "What? I have no idea what you're talking about. War is bad. If we have no enemies, there will be peace in the world and everything will work out fine."