Smell the Blog
Friday, March 07, 2003
Lord of the Humps
-- Former "Riverdance" star Michael Flatley filed a $100 million lawsuit against a woman who he says slandered his lovemaking abilities.
In the suit filed in Los Angeles Superior Court on Thursday, Flatley accused the woman of attempting to humiliate him by fabricating stories of a sexual tryst between the two.
In an interview with People Magazine, Kristin Gellner, 36, of Santa Monica, CA claimed that she had sex with Michael Flatley and that it was a very "unique" experience.
Said Gellner, "He lays on top of you and then his body below his waist just flails about. He doesn't use his arms or upper body at all. It was just bizarre. It makes you wonder if he does everything like that and not just dancing. His idea of foreplay was to dance naked in front of the bed, again with just his lower body flailing about. Let me tell you that ir is a very unique sight. I'm not so sure that's a good thing. Then he just kind of leaps forward onto the bed and on top of me, and next thing I know, we're going at it, so to speak. I mean, I know he's Lord of the Dance and all that, but does everything have to be done that way?"
Flatley flatly denies Gellner's story and claims the two met once but never had relations. Flatley also claims that when he does make love, he uses all parts of his body and it is "quite a wonderous thing to behold."
Disclaimer: The above story is a spoof. Please don't sue me Michael. Please? Pretty please??
Tuesday, March 04, 2003
Justice League joins Alliance to Stop Iraq
The Justice League of America announced today that it will support the War on Iraq. Spokesman Hawkman had the following to say, "After much deliberation and 5 resolution drafts, the Justice League of America has voted to support the United States in its war to disarm Saddam Hussein."
According to sources inside the Justice League, the debate was often tense and divisive. Of the Five Charter Members, two had been threatening to use their veto power over authorizing help for the war. Charter Members Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman had been pressing for a resolution supporting the war while Aquaman and Green Lantern were threatening to use their veto power.
Superman was accused by Aquaman and the Wonder Twins, Zan and Jaina, of using strong-arm tactics on other Justice League members and of using his X-Ray vision and super-hearing to spy on other members. Superman, considered the most hawkish of the JLA, was accused of being "unilateralist" because of his desire to use his powers, which far exceed that of the other members, to "go it alone" in helping the United States in its attempts to disarm Saddam.
Aquaman was most vocal in his desire for a peaceful solution. "If I can bring all the creatuers of the sea to work towards a common goal of good, than surely we can unite the world in peacefully disarming Saddam."
These statements brought about many snide and harsh criticisms aimed at Aquaman. Said Flash, "Hell, he has no business being on the Charter Council anyway. What has he ever done to further the cause of justice? All he does is swim around and get a bunch of dolphins and fish to follow him. You call that fighting crime? Heck, all he does is wait for Superman to bail him out, anyway. He's so smug and so arrogant, and based on what reason?"
Superman and Batman finally pressed the issue. Batman made a dramatic presentation in front of the JLA last week laying out the evidence against Saddam. Using the vast surveillance resources of his Batcave, Batman laid out a powerful case that showed Saddam was indeed hiding weapons of mass destruction.
Superman and Batman pressed for a vote on a new resolution supporting the war on Monday. After much deliberation and threats of vetos, the JLA finally agreed to support the war on Tuesday, but not without some concessions from the major proponents.
Said one anonymous JLA'er, "Superman had to agree to patrol the seas more often as well as do a lot of the dirty work usually left to lesser superheroes. You know, busting up robberies, purse snatchings, you know, grunt work."
Mardi Gras Rocks Delaware
When people think of Mardi Gras, they usually think of Bourbon Street and New Orleans. However, you don't have to go to New Orleans to have a good time. Just ask the residents of Delaware who are partying harder than usual for this year's Mardi Gras celebration.
When asked about this year's celebration versus last year's, Bart Healy of Dover said, "Well last year Hooters ran a promotion that offered $1.00 off any domestic pitcher of beer, but this year they offered $2.00 off any imported beer. Plus they waitresses gave out beads to the customers. No one lifted their shirt, though."
Whereas there's usually only a few dozen people walking the streets of Dover on a Tuesday, today there was at least twice that number. While there were no parades or topless girls or beer chugging on the streets, there was one Paul Frasier of Wilmington walking around wearing a T-Shirt from Mardi Gras-New Orleans 1999. When asked about how Mardi Gras in Dover was compared to New Orleans, Frasier said, "Umm, dude this is Delaware."
So while New Orleans is partying Tuesday away, people in Delware are sharing in their revelry. After all, it's not really a party unless Delaware is getting down.
Monday, March 03, 2003
Madonna Inks Deal to Author Five New Children's Books
The first one is a pop-up book complete with female genitalia.
Daschle Blasts Bush on Homeland Security
This is a real story above, and I haven't even read it. Hell, Daschle's points might even have merit for all I know. But it's gotten to the point that Daschle would "blast" Bush if he helped an old lady across the street, so it's rather difficult to take these constant "blastings" seriously.
You've just won the Publishers' Clearinghouse Sweepstakes for $2,000,000. How do you feel right now?
On American Confidence
Bill Whittle at Eject Eject Eject writes a poignant piece about American confidence and its role as a force of good in the world. A great read.
Hillary Supports War, Cats and Dogs Living Together
According to the New York Post:
Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton "fully supports" President Bush's Iraq policy, her office said last night - on the eve of her visit today to an upstate arsenal that makes military hardware like mortars and howitzers for U.S. troops.
In other news, a furious blizzard continues to pound the underworld kingdom of Hades, Trent Lott and Al Sharpton have become best friends and roommates, Michael Jackson admits to being "a little bit nutty", and the FOX network has scrapped all of their reality TV shows and replaced them with a Prime Time version of Masterpiece Theater.
Bad John! Bad!
LOL, this is hysterical. John @ rightwingnews.com duped a poor Brazilian into thinking he was an Iraqi national in an ICQ chat. Hilarity ensued. Check it out.
Sunday, March 02, 2003
HEADLINE 2007: United Islamic Republic Holds World's Oil Supply Hostage
President Saddam Hussein of the United Islamic Republic (UIR) announced today that he was raising oil prices by 45%. Hussein, who recently seized control of the Saudi oil fields in a war that lasted only 2 short months, now controls over 2/3 of the world's known oil reserves.
U.S. President Howard Dean announced that he would be submitting a proposal to the UN that would denounce the UIR for holding the world hostage. When asked about possible military reprisals against the UIR, Dean said, "We all know that given Hussein's arsenal of nuclear and biological weapons, that we cannot risk a war with the UIR. Hussein has made it very clear that any attempt on our part to liberate Saudi Arabia or the former United Arab Emerites, Iran or Kuwait would meet with serious consequences. While he cannot reach the U.S. with his ballistic missles, he has threatened to launch missles at Tel Aviv, Paris and London, to name a few targets. We simply cannot risk the loss of life that would result in an invasion of the UIR at this point. We're having enough trouble keeping terrorists out of this country."
The UIR was formed 3 years ago after Hussein launched a strike against Iran, which had just overthrown it's Islamic theocratic government for a more Western-style democracy. During the turmoil, Hussein's tanks rolled in from Iraq and he threatened to nuke Tehran if they did not surrender immediately. The U.S. made noises about invading Iraq, but Hussein detonated a small nuclear device over Kurdish settlements in Northern Iraq and announced that any move made on Iraq would result in a nuclear strike at Israel.
Shortly after Iran was assimilated, Hussein's tanks rolled into both the UAE and Kuwait. By early 2007, Saudi Arabia was the next to fall.
Some experts feel that the formation of the UIR could have been prevented had the coalition led by the United States and Great Britain been allowed to invade Iraq in Spring of 2003. However, attempts to resolve to enforce 17 UN resolutions were unsuccessful, and given rapidly hostile world opinion towards the idea of invading Iraq, Bush finally backed down and allowed the UN to continue weapons inspections. Emboldened, Islamic terrorists carried out more attacks across the globe after the U.S. withdrew its forces from the Middle East. The U.S. was suddenly viewed as a paper tiger that would not carry out its threats and was too crippled by the "peace at any cost" factions in its populations.
Inspections continued over the next year, turning up nothing. Finally, in June of 2004, Iraq expelled the inspectors after the Iranian revolution and promptly invaded. It was then that Hussein revealed his arsenal to the world, forcing the world to sit idly by and watch as he gobbled one nation after the other in the Middle East.
Given the disasterous results that bending to world opinion caused, Bush was voted out of office in 2004. Vermont Gov. Howard Dean cruised to victory, pounding Bush's foreign policy failures to great success on the campaign trail. There was no small amount of irony in the fact that Dean had been a powerful advocate of the course Bush ultimately took just a year before the campaign.
When asked what the world could do about Hussein's price demands, President Dean responded, "We will do what we have always done over the last 5 years, we will go to the UN and leave it in their hands. Saddam must listen to world opinion on this matter."
Credit for some of the ideas and material in this scenario goes to E. Nough at Thinking Meat.
Al-Qaeda's Chief of Operations Captured
But remember, Iraq is diverting our attention from the war on terrorism.
Dueling Nude Protests
About 300 women stripped for peace today, spelling out the words "No War" with their bodies. Said organizer Jamie Howard, "We felt we had to make a statement to the world. We feel that war is wrong, no matter what the reason. I'd rather live uner the yolk of oppression than see one single person die in a war. I just hope and pray that our message of peace will be heard."
Across the street, 200 anti-Saddam protestors responded to Howard's protest by stripping naked and spelling out "Bite Me" with their bare flesh. Said counter-organizer Josh Levin, "These idiots don't deserve to live under the blanket of freedom that others have died to grant them. Oh sure, they have a right to say what they want to say, but we have a right to respond to them. And our response is 'Bite Me'".
Pakistanis Protest Against War, For Terrorism Against Infidels
Tens of thousands of Pakistanis have filled the streets of Karachi to protest against possible military conflict in Iraq, as anti-war protests continued across the globe.
Up to 100,000 are thought to have attended. Protesters marched with posters, some depicting al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden, while others carried banners denouncing any prospective war as merely a pretext to acquire Iraqi oil.
Said one protestor, "We must stop the evil Westerners from waging war against Muslims. War is wrong, there is no reason for innocent Muslims to die. That is why we must blow up the infidels wherever we may find them!"