Smell the Blog
Friday, March 14, 2003
Saddam Wishes to Die in Iraq
When Russian envoy Yevgeny Primakov met Iraqi President Saddam Hussein last month, he tactfully asked about reports that he might consider exile to avert a U.S. invasion.
The answer was calm and sharp: "I was born in Iraq and I will die in Iraq."
When informed of Hussein's answer, U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld replied, "We will be happy to oblige President Hussein's request. Rest assured, he will die in Iraq very, very soon."
Tuesday, March 11, 2003
France Changes Flag Colors
French President Jacques Chirac announced today that France would be changing the colors of their national flag. The current flag, which was colored red, white and blue, was described by Chirac as too representative of all that the United States stands for. Unilateralism, freedom, refusal to bend to the will of their betters.
Chirac then unveiled a flag whose colors was more representative of the French people, their character and their attitudes. The tri-colored flag will be booger green, puke orange and dump brown.
Princess Diana Harrassed Even in Afterlife
Psychics who claim to have contacted the spirit of Diana, Princess of Wales for a TV show say she is "having fun" in the afterlife.
After spending time with Mother Teresa, Diana is working with children while watching over her own sons from the "other side", according to British mediums Craig and Jane Hamilton-Parker.
The Parkers went on to say, "Diana didn't want to talk at first. The first thing she said when we contacted her was 'Oh for Christ's sake, not here too!? Can't you $^#$ people just learn to leave me the *$ alone??? For God's sake, I'm dead and you're still obsessing over me. Get a damn life will you? I'm just a woman, or rather, I was just a woman. If you damn people weren't so bloody obsessed with me, I'd probably be alive right now. Why don't you all go back to trying to contact Elvis or Houdini or something? Can't a girl just rest in peace?"
Source: IC Wales
Leaked Memo Reveals U.S. To Drop Nude Bomb on Iraq
In a shocking revelation, a Pentagon memo leaked to the press revealed that as part of the U.S. "shock and awe" tactics in the opening salvo of the second Gulf War, the U.S. Air Force will drop 10,000 pound "nude bombs" on Iraq.
According to tests performed by the Air Force and bomb creator Norman St. Savage, the bomb, when detonated, will strip every shred of clothing from the population. Every burqua, every robe, down to the last swatch of cloth will be destroyed. The population, which is largely conservative and Muslim, will quickly surrender, allowing us to dress them in all the latest fashions from Old Navy, according to St. Savage.
In the memo, Savage is quoted as saying "What could be better for these poor, oppressed people than to be stripped of the shackles that Saddam has kept them in and to have them replaced with some fabulous Old Navy cargo pants?"
Monday, March 10, 2003
Bush and White House Team to Strip in Support of War
Today at 2PM on the White House Lawn, President George W. Bush and his team stripped for the cameras as they spelled out the words "Regime Change".
Said National Security Agency Head Condoleeza Rice as she stood stark naked while waiting for the photographer to set up, "We kept reading in the newspapers about all these nude protests for peace and all the publicity they generated and we thought, 'Hey, if stripping makes people more aware of your ideas and policy stances, then why shouldn't it work for us too?"
Secretary of State Colin Powell and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld helped make up the letter "C" in "Change". Both were enthusiastic about the idea. Said Powell, "In Iraq, you wouldn't see this happening. Freedom is a word that the Iraqi people are not allowed to know. By stripping for the liberation of Iraq, we are committing ourselves to granting the Iraqi people that freedom while enjoying the freedom of being one with nature."
Added President Bush, "We stand before God as he brought us into this world. There can be no shame in our stance."
Vice President Cheney complained, saying that he wished they could have waited until May to make this point. "It would have been a lot warmer. What with the shrinkage and all, I was a bit reluctant to do this. But, I think it sends the right message."
Only Attorney General John Ashcroft refused to participate, saying that seeing boobies would cause him to go "straight to hell".
Sunday, March 09, 2003
Pelosi: If We Just Leave Iraq Alone, Terrorists Will Leave Us Alone
House Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi of California drew a standing ovation from the Communications Workers of America Sunday as she stated her opposition to an Iraq war at this time. Bush has alienated allies in the war on terror, she said.
"What we are planning to do in Iraq will cause a wave of terrorist attacks on our country and our allies. Why should we invite such carnage on ourselves when they will leave us alone if we leave Iraq alone? If we don't attack Iraq, then we won't be hit by terrorists anymore. It's just that simple. There aren't any grand plans to hit us right now if we do nothing. They're only planning attacks because we're planning to attack them. Why provoke such attacks?"
When Pelosi was asked in a press conference after the speech what had provoked the September 11th attacks since we hadn't attacked anyone in the Middle East before then, Pelosi stared blankly at the reporter for a few seconds and then said "No War for Oil."
British Minister Will Quit If Iraq War Commences Without Support From "Commies and Dictators"
A leading member of British Prime Minister Tony Blair's Government has said she would resign her position if the country went to war with Iraq without the backing of "known communists and third world dictators" in the United Nations.
"I will not uphold a breach of international law or this undermining of the UN and I will resign from the government," International Development Secretary Clare Short said. "It is sad state of the world today that Britain and the United States would even think of waging war on a brutal and dangerously maniacal dictator without the backing and full support of communist regimes such as China and various thrid world cesspools."
"I think I owe it to my colleagues in the Government and members of the Labour Party to just be truthful about my position.
"It's the time to say what my intentions are," she said, "and my intentions are to resign rather than allow the world to proceeds towards war without letting important world leaders like Cameroon and Angola have their say in the matter."
"Who are we to protect the civilized world if we don't have the backing of the Angolans? That's just lunacy! Next thing you know the U.N. Council on Human Rights will come cracking down on us. We don't want that to happen. We couldn't stand up to the scrutiny that the Libyans would put us under."
"Remember, when it comes to acting internationally, if it can't be done unanimously, it shouldn't be done at all."
"We're undermining the UN, it's a recruiting sergeant for terrorism, there's a risk of a divided world, with a weakened UN and we shouldn't be doing it like this," she said. "For God's sake, what would the UN be like if this happens? We have a strong UN now that won't enforce its own resolutions. How can we live with a body that can't live up to that standard in the future? How can we weaken a body that shows such strength of character? A body that never, ever lets politics decide what is the right thing to do."
Source material from ABC News