Smell the Blog

Friday, March 21, 2003
Activists Revel in Moral Duty to Express Their Free Speech

A group of anti-war activists exercised their right to free speech today by taking a dump on the steps of the Federal Courthouse in San Francisco today. This was the first of many exercises in "free speech" by the group on this day.

Said activist Laurie Keegan, 20, a junior at Cal-Berkeley, "The Constitution says we have the right to express ourselves. You can't stop us, the government can't stop us, no one can stop us. This war is wrong and it is evil. Bush is evil and we're going to prove it to people." Keegan proceeded to drop her trousers and take a large crap on the courthouse steps in front of her cheering friends and to the horror of some bystanders and small children nearby, who began crying.

When confronted by a young male bystander who told them how disgusting they were being, the group surrounded him and began to shove him and scream at him, "I bet you support the war! We want peace. Evil oppressor! We have the right to express ourselves! F***ing chickenhawk! No blood for oil!" The young man was finally rescued by other bystanders, who were spat upon by the peace activists.

The group proceeded to walk up a few blocks and came across a dry cleaners with the American Flag in the window. The group stormed into the store and grabbed the flag off the window. They ran outside yelling "Imperialist pig!!! No blood for oil!!!" Activist Josh Greyson, 21, a junior at the University of San Francisco, proceeded to pull down his pants and wipe his rear end with the flag, to the cheers of his friends.

At that point, a man who was presumably the owner came running out yelling at the activists. They proceeded to push him around yelling at the "imperialist pig" who supported our "selected president" and was displaying a "symbol of oppression" in his store that offended them.

"It's been a great day for freedom of speech," said Keegan. "One guy had the nerve to try to engage us in debate. But we shouted his dirty, imperialist views down. No one should have to listen to that hate speech. Someone should send that guy to a work camp far away where he can do penance for the brown stain on society that his presence represents. That's what I would do if I ran the country, anyway."

Wednesday, March 19, 2003
Senator Daschle "Saddened, Dismayed at Wife's Cooking"

Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle lashed out at his wife on Wednesday. saying she had "failed miserably" in preparing meat loaf with potatoes au gratin and string beans for Tuesday night's dinner.

"I'm saddened," Daschle, D-South Dakota, said in a press conference on the Capitol steps today. "I'm saddened that after all these years of marriage that my wife can't even cook a decent meat loaf. There was too much breading and not enough meat, the consistency and texture was of an old rotted log."
Daschle continued, "And those potatoes! God! You call those au gratin? She would have been better off buying a box of instant spuds. At least those don't stick to your throat on the way down. Egads! Let's not talk about the string beans, either."

When asked what he thought his wife could do to improve the situation, Senator Daschle said, "Well, obviously her attempts at unilateral cooking are a disaster. It's time for her to restart her attempts to take a cooking class or to hire a personal chef for us. Otherwise, it's Chinese take-out at the Daschle household for the forseeable future."

Today's Smile

On this date in 1865, the Battle of Bentonville, North Carolina was fought.

Confederate General Joseph Johnston makes a desperate attempt to stop Union General William T. Sherman's drive through the Carolinas in the war's last days, but Johnston's motley army cannot stop the advance of Sherman's mighty army.

The Union lost 194 men killed, 1,112 wounded, and 221 missing, while the Confederates lost 240 killed, 1,700 wounded, and 1,500 missing.

Historical Data via: The History Channel

Tuesday, March 18, 2003
Today's Smile

Today we are introducing a new feature at Smell the Blog called Today's Smile. Today's Smile will give you fun facts that will enlighten you and cause you to smile when you think about it. Today's Smile is:

Symptoms of heroin withdrawl can include tremors, panic, chills, nausea, vomiting, muscle cramps, stomach cramps, diarrhea, shaking, chills, profuse sweating, and irritability, among others.

Activists Removed From Redwood Trees

Humboldt County's Pacific Lumber Co. upped the ante in its dispute with anti-logging activists Monday, sending climbers into lofty redwoods east of Eureka to bring down 18 tree sitters who have been protesting in their perches for almost a year.

Humboldt decided to use a controversial new chemical to rid its redwoods of activists. Called "Green Be Gone", Humboldt uses a high powered hose to spray it into the trees. The chemical then eats away the harnesses that the acitvists uses to tie themselves to the tree. Another component of the spray causes massive vertigo in the activist, causing them to topple over the side of the limb. Large nets are set up at the base of the tree to catch falling Greens.

"Oh, it worked fantastic," said Humboldt field manager Gary Werkheiser. "We sprayed a bunch of it up in this redwood and all these Greens just started dropping like flies within 5-10 minutes. Most of them were hauled away by police with only minor injuries. Some of them may lose their sense of smell, but overall, I'd say it's a great success!"

Werkheiser said the company plans to use Green Be Gone to rid its trees of Greens in the future. "It's not much different than spraying for other types of parasites. You don't want Greens in your trees anymore than you'd want Japanese Beetles or termites, you know? In the cases of really tall trees, we can use planes to spray it over the area.

When asked about the possibility of Greens getting hurt by falling out of tall trees, Werkheiser said, "That's a risk, no doubt. My response to that is to remind these people that they're not goddamn birds, they're people. People who need to get a grip."

I Always Knew I Cared About the Little Dolts

Monday, March 17, 2003
Daschle lashes out at Bush for 'failed' diplomacy

Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle lashed out at President Bush on Monday, saying he had "failed so miserably" at diplomacy in the crisis with Iraq that the United States now stands on the brink of war.

"I'm saddened," Daschle, D-South Dakota, said in a speech to the American Federation of State, County and Municipal Employees. "I'm saddened that President Bush could not live up to the example that we, as Democrats, have set. While the President has failed to win votes over on the Security Council with his ham-handed handling of diplomacy, we as Democrats can look proudly at our past year of efforts. Look at my efforts in reaching compromise in Congress. Look at how I reached to Republicans to try and find common ground. Look at the statesmanship I have displayed in confirming the President's judicial nominees, his budget proposals and on Homeland Security."

"President Bush has failed to sell his views to the international community. This kind of failure is unacceptable. Look at how we, as Democrats, sold our message to the American people. Look at how much more effective we are at communicating what it is we stand for and look at how the people responded."

At this point in the speech, Senator Daschle began sweating profusely and abruptly called an end to the press conference.

Report Marriage Doesn't Make You Happy

Most newlyweds experience a brief emotional bounce after their wedding, but they eventually return to the same outlook they had on life before they tied the knot, according to a study released Sunday.

"We found that people were no more satisfied after marriage than they were prior to marriage," the researchers said.

The study was published in the March issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, a publication of the American Psychological Association.

Researchers tracked more than 24,000 people from 1984 to 1995, asking participants every year to rate their overall life satisfaction from zero (totally unhappy) to 10 (totally happy).

The average boost from marriage was small -- one-tenth of one point on the scale, researchers said.

The biggest boost to happiness for people in order were:

    Massive amounts of sex

    Massive amounts of oral sex

    A really nice chianti

    Really, really big jugs (too look at for men, to have for women)

    Satellite TV

    Money fights (not squabbles over money, literal money fights, as in throwing hundreds at each other because you're rolling in it)

    Seeing Hollywood stars strangled shortly after delivering ill-informed, anti-American speeches

    Really soft toilet paper

    Yelling "Hey, Kool Aid!" and having a large, animated pitcher slam through your wall to deliver a cold refreshment while singing "OH YEAH!"

    Beating Yanni to death with his own shoes

    Nighttime movies on Skinemax and Ho-Time

    The knowledge that no matter how f'ed up you are as an individual, you will never, ever be as f'ed up as Michael Jackson.

Sunday, March 16, 2003
Bush Says, "Moment of Truth is Upon Us"

President Bush said early Sunday morning that opportunity for debate was coming to an end.

"We have watched with great interest the goings on that have transpired since November of last year. We have watched as national opinion has fluctuated in favor of one side and then another. We have listened to all the pundits and all the differing opinions. Now is the time for decision."

Bush continued, "Today is the day. Today, the NCAA Selection committee chooses who will be among the field of 65 NCAA men's basketball teams for the Road to the Final Four. There will be no more debate. This administration demands answers and it demands them tonight."

"We expect no less than a full one hour show, nationally televised, telling us just who will be in this tournament and where they will be playing. This administration and the rest of the country will be watching and waiting with great interest. I trust that the NCAA will do the right thing and hand over this information.

Bush concluded by adding "I sincerely hope that the University of Texas gets at least a #2 seed. We can tolerate nothing less."