Humor, politics, satire, and other random acts of nonsense. Trying to walk the fine line between stupid and clever.

 
Jesse Jackson Calls for Truce in Bid for Publicity

The Rev. Jesse Jackson called Thursday for a truce to allow humanitarian aid to be delivered to Iraq and asked for permission from both U.S. and Iraq officials to allow religious leaders to visit with prisoners of war. Jackson said this was a great opportunity for him to get his name back in the papers and get the publicity he needed to feed his gigantic ego.

Said Jackson, "Things were going very well for me with the Masters' controversy. Augusta National's refusal to admit women was a great opportunity for me to get my name back in the papers after a long absence."

"But then a real tragedy happened, and the war in Iraq was initiated by President Bush, taking the spotlight away from me. It took me a while to hatch a plan in which I could insert myself into this situation in such a way as to generate the maximum amount of publicity for myself."

When asked if he really thought the U.S. would put an end to hostilities when they've made this much progress towards removing Saddam Hussein from power, Jackson replied, "True, it may be too optimistic to hope that I can put an end to all hostilities permanently, but at the very least, I can broker a cease fire long enough so that I can get all kinds of attention while medicines and food are delivered to the Iraqi people. Then the President can go back to his war, and all sides will be satisfied. The Iraqi people, the President and my enormous ego."

posted by Paul at 9:48 PM

 
NY Times Reports: Americans All to Die Hideous, Painful, Disgusting Deaths due to War in Iraq

According to today's lead editorial in the New York Times, American citizens will all suffer excruciatingly painful deaths in the next month unless something is done to reverse the course of the war in Iraq.

It has come to our attention that unless Mr. Bush and Mr. Blair step back from their unilateralist war against Iraq and re-enter the world community through diplomacy and debate, all American citizens will suffer painful and grotesque deaths in the next month.

There will be disease, famine, riots, and a reign of suffering o'er the land. Locusts will consume our crops, dogs and cats will eat each other, buildings will light aflame and seas will boil. Trees will come alive and eat your pets. Killer mosquitos the size of camels will drain the blood from you. The dead shall rise and consume our brains. Men, women and children will vomit forth their own blood. Sores will cover your bodies, your hair will fall out and you will eaten by wild hyenas as you waste away in your own homes. There your bodies will lie whilst all of nature's vilest creatures will consume you and defecate on you.

This can all be avoided President Bush reverses course and ends his illegal war against the Iraqi people and the U.S. resumes its rightful place at the heel of the United Nations. The choice is ours. Let us hope the President makes the right choice.

posted by Paul at 5:21 PM

 
First Sheryl Crow, Now This?

Via Sify News

John Lennon, would have "told off" British Prime Minister Tony Blair and US President George W. Bush for waging war on Iraq, the Beatle's widow Yoko Ono said Thursday.

Ono, an ardent peace campaigner, was speaking in Liverpool, northwest England, where Lennon's childhood home was officially being opened to the public.

"I'm sure John would have been terribly upset" about the war, if he were still alive, Ono told BBC radio. "And I'm sure that he would have expressed his anger and told them off", she said, referring to Bush and Blair, about "how stupid it is to go through this".

"As Gandhi said, 'An eye for an eye will make us all blind'." In the 1960's John and Yoko took part in several "Bed In" protests against United States involvement in Vietnam and wrote the pro-peace ballad, Give Peace A Chance.

UPDATE: After hearing that John Lennon would have "blasted" them for their role in the war, President Bush and Prime Minister Blair reversed course today and halted all military action. Instead, the most powerful broadcasting equipment and speakers have been put in a ring around Baghdad and they are pumping Yoko Ono's music into Baghdad 24/7. The allies expect a full surrender by the Iraqi regime within the week.

"No one can tolerate that hideous screeching for long, " said Blair. It may cruel and unusual punishment, but we decided to "Give Peace a Chance."
posted by Paul at 12:01 PM

 
Al-Jazeera Demands Equal Access of the Press

Today, al-Jazeera spokesman Jihad Ballout demanded that their reporters get the same access afforded to American journalists in the Iraqi war.

Said Ballout, "CNN, MSNBC, FOX, all the major media players in the U.S. have embedded journalists travelling with the U.S. army and yet we're not allowed to do that. This is patently unfair and works against the notion of international freedom of the press."

"I mean, it's not like we'd use our equipment to let the Iraqis know the exact location, size and composition of the U.S. forces we were travelling with, now would we?"

Ballout proceeded to laugh maniacally and make twisty motions at a non-existant handle-bar mustache.

posted by Paul at 4:53 PM

 
Amazing Admission by Former Human Shield

Apparently, even the naive can eventually see the light. An amazing account of how one naive human shield went to Iraq only to discover the Iraqi people desperately wanted the U.S. to come rescue them from Saddam.
posted by Paul at 8:56 AM

 
Sgt. Akbar, Accused in Grenade Attack, Falls Back on Race and Religion as Excuses

Source: ABC KGO-TV San Francisco

U.S. Army Sgt. Asan Akbar, the soldier being detained in connection with a grenade attack on his fellow soldiers, told his family members that he encountered racism as an African-American and a Muslim in the armed services.

His stepfather, William Bilal, who was once married to Akbar's mother, Quran Bilal, said that his stepson was resentful toward the military and had complained several years ago that it was difficult for a black man "to make rank" in the military.

"Hasan was pushed to this. We've got that clear," William Bilal told WBRZ, ABCNEWS' affiliate in Baton Rouge, La. "Everybody's got a breaking point, to put it that way. Everybody's got a breaking point. If he did this, he was driven to pressure, whatever."

What makes this story particularly shocking is that Asan Akbar is the biological son of the famous Admiral Akbar of the Battle for Endor (see picture below). When asked for comment, Admiral Akbar would only say, "I have not seen my son in many years and I regret that we have not been closer. I only wish he had used the Force for guidance."




Admiral Akbar
posted by Paul at 5:18 PM

 
Filmmaker Michael Moore Kills Himself in Fit of Self-Loathing

Filmmaker Michael Moore, a critically-acclaimed director of documentaries and newly-minted Oscar Winner killed himself at a stand-up performance at UCLA on Monday night.

Moore, who is also the author of the best-selling book Stupid White Men, has made a career out of attacking the perceived flaws of the American system, such as capitalism, corporate greed and gun ownership. He also has expressed extreme loating for the current White House adminstration.

Moore incorporates all of these subjects into his lectures. At UCLA on Monday night, he was mid-lecture when he stopped in mid-sentence and begin to scream at no one in particular.

"I attack capitalism, I loathe it and the inequities it creates, and yet I feed off the system like any other typical capitalist fat cat. I bash corporate greed yet rail at not being paid enough for my speaking engagements.... I am a white male for God's sake. All white males are evil, the devil's spawn, potential rapists all, the world would be better if we were all locked away for good....yet here I am being paid for you to listen to me....I inhabit the body of a natural racist...a white male.....why would anyone listen to a racist like me...no, I'm not a racist, but I'm white....I can't handle the...must bash Bush...Bush is evil....not elected.....but he's a white male like me....MY HEAD IT HURTS......OJ was innocent......hate greed....want money.....evil junta.....70% approval impossible....can't handle the voices anymore..AAAAAHHHHH!!!"

Moore then whipped a pistol out of his pocket, put it in his mouth and pulled the trigger. Moore, 49, was recently awarded the Academy Award for Best Documentary for Bowling for Columbine, which explored the role of guns in America.
posted by Paul at 11:04 PM

 
Apology for Lack of Activity

Sorry for the lack of entries this past week. What with the war starting, it's been tough to think of anything funny lately.
posted by Paul at 11:41 AM