Smell the Blog

Saturday, April 05, 2003
Mean Mr. Mustard Goes Off

On Berkeley professors. I know, it's shooting fish in a barrel, but it makes for entertaining reading nonetheless.

Reading Studies About Links to Cancer Linked to Increased Risk of Cancer

Men and women who read studies about links to increased cancer risk are at an increased risk of getting certain types of cancer, according to a new European study published this week.

A team of scientists from Cancer Research UK and the International Agency for Research on Cancer conducted an extensive review of numerous research studies of all types of cancer risk involving data from 24 countries. They studied the people who read those studies over a 10 year period and found that there was an increased risk of contracting cancer by those who read studies about increased risk of getting cancer.

Dr. Amy Graebel said, "What this shows is that even reading about the risks of cancer can increase your risk of cancer. Truly, this shows that we must be ever vigilant in our lives, watching not only what we eat and drink and where we live, but also watching what we read. Or we could just be full of shit."

Britain's poet laureate pens war lament

And yet somehow, the war goes on. People just don't give poet laureates the proper respect they used to give them. Damn shame.

Peter Arnett Signs On With Al Arabiya

I guess we should have seen this coming. Now he can report on all that the Great Satan is doing to the Arab World. Perhaps he can land a gig with the Weekly World News Channel when he gets fired from this gig.

Wednesday, April 02, 2003
Iraq Information Ministry, Weekly World News, Team Up to Form New Cable News Channel

In a press conference today, the Iraqi Ministry of Information and the CEO of American Media, Inc., David Pecker, announced they were forming a partnership and starting up a satellite news channel to compete with CNN, SkyNews (FOX), Al-Jazeera, BBC and other world players.

"The world is hearing only what the corrupt Western regimes want you to hear," said Ministry spokeman Mahamed Samir. "While Al-Jezeera may be a step in right direction in showing the world the truth, we feel that adding another voice to our point of view could only help. But we knew the West would accuse us of spreading propaganda. That's why we have teamed up with one of the West's most popular and well-respected newspapers, the Weekly World News. They, like us, stand for the truth."

Said Pecker, "It seemed like a logical marriage to us. What better way to bring the world the News's brand of hard hitting, truth filled journalism than to team with the most forthright government in the world. I mean, who are you going to believe, George Bush and his American media lapdogs, or us?"

Tuesday, April 01, 2003
AWOL Marine Returns, Voices Status as Conscientious Objector

From the Mercury News:
Declaring that he believes all wars are immoral, a 20-year-old Marine Corps reservist surrendered to military authorities in San Jose this morning after more than a month of unauthorized absence while he prepared his application for discharge as a conscientious objector.

``The military coerces people into killing,'' Lance Cpl. Stephen Funk told a small crowd of reporters and well-wishers who gathered outside the Marine Corps reserve center on Mission Street in San Jose. ``I may not be a hero but I know it takes courage to disobey.''

Ummm, dude, you joined the f*cking Marines!! What the hell did you think you were getting into when you joined the Marines? If "all wars are immoral", as you believe, than my advice to you would be to stay the hell out of the armed forces. I mean, what next, a p0rn star saying that she believes pre-marital sex is immoral and that she wants to wait until she gets married?

Handy Iraqi-speak Translator

The following is a press release, obtained via CNN, translated from Iraqi-speak into the real world:

"Yesterday, an American warplane attacked two buses on the highway between Baghdad and Ahman," Mohammed Saeed al Sahaf told reporters.

Yesterday, the Iraqi government fired on two buses and blamed it on the Americans.
"Those people on those two buses are human shields coming to participate in defending civilian installations like water sanitation stations, electricity generation stations, and so on."

These buses were filled with "useful fools" who have not yet fled and were being sent to shield legitimate military targets.

Sahaf said: "The 'brave' Americans start shooting the Americans [in the buses]. They are indiscriminately killing people."

These fools have finally filled our mission for them, to die so that we can blame the Americans.
He said Iraqis are awaiting more details on the incident., and the U.S. Central Command said it is investigating the claim.

No evidence will be found to back the Iraqi claim.

Describing what Sahaf said was the attack in southern Babylon, 60 miles south of Baghdad, he said, "This morning, the villains bombarded a civilian quarter." He said the children who died lived in adjacent houses.

In attempting to protect ourselves from the U.S. air attacks, our missles missed their targets and fell on our own people, showing how incompetent we are, yet still offering us political cover with the weak minded and gullible.

He described "fierce battles" in Basra and Nasiriya, and said coalition troops had targeted telephone exchanges and farms throughout the country, and hit TV and radio transmitters in more than three cities.

We're getting out asses kicked.
Coalition bombing of Baghdad on Tuesday morning killed five Iraqi civilians and wounded 25 others, he said. He said the five are among 24 civilians killed since late Monday.

And In Baghdad, we killed more of our own citizens on purpose and accidently through misfired anti-aircraft defense missles.

Iraqi troops, however, are prevailing, the minister said.

Desertions and the killing of our own troops by loyalists is on the decline.
"The Iraqi troops and the Iraqi fighters are in control of all the places, as we have witnessed," Sahaf said. "No big change in that. We are fighting against them."

I figure we have a few more weeks or months to live before either the Americans kill us or our own oppressed people string us up like the Italians did to Mussolini.
Iraqi fighters destroyed seven tanks and the Fedayeen, forces loyal to Iraq President Saddam Hussein, destroyed seven coalition personnel carriers near Najaf, he said. Iraqis also shot down an Apache helicopter, he added.

We destroyed no tanks, but we found a personnel carrier that broke down and was abandoned as well as a helipcopter that crashed after mechanical problems.
"They are achieving nothing, they are suffering from casualties. Those casualties are increasing, not decreasing," said Sahaf, who referred to U.S. President George W. Bush and other Americans as "bastards."

We're killing an average of 1-2 Americans per day while hundreds of our own soldiers die daily. I like those odds.

Dow, Nasdaq Dive on News of Illness

The Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped 175 points today in heavy trading today. The NASDAQ 100 Composite was down 24 points and the S&P 500 index was also down 12 points.

The sell-off came on the news that Bob Galvin, 25, of Rocky Hill, Connecticut, was sick with a terrible version of the flu and would miss a few days of work at his job as a Help Desk Associate at Aetna Life and Casualty in Hartford.

"The blow to production over the next few days will be devestating in our department," said Galvin's IT Manager, Dan Hodge. "These are tough times and we've had to cut back personnel as it is. When key guys like Bob are out, we just don't have the manpower to pick up the slack. That means people are going to have to wait to get their computers unfrozen, software glitches investigated and fixed, new monitors delivered. It's a catastrophe."

News of Galvin's illness quickly spread from Hartford to the trading floor at the NYSE, where Galvin has many friends from his days in school at the University of Connecticut. What had started as a day of modest gains on the market quickly turned sour.

Said one trader, "Within minutes of the news about Bob, we started getting frantic orders to sell. No one wants to be left holding the bag knowing that Bob's production will be missed over the next few days."

Galvin holds out hope for the near future, though. "Once I get this thing licked, I should be able to work some OT, maybe a Saturday or two, and we'll be back on schedule."

Monday, March 31, 2003
Play Ball!

At last, baseball has returned! Go Red Sox!