Smell the Blog

Friday, April 11, 2003
Martha Burk to Protest East Longmeadow Saturday Tennis Club

Following her protest of the Augusta National club at this week's Masters Tournament, Martha Burk, the head of the National Council of Women's Organizations, plans to move on to East Longmeadow, MA next week. Her target is the East Longmeadow Saturday Tennis Club.

"I have found out through sources that the East Longmeadow Saturday Tennis Club has no female members," said Burk outside Augusta National. "How long are we going to allow men to subjugate women to second class citizen status. Are women not good enough to be part of their club? I think not. It's high time the members of this club ask themselves if they really support such gender apartheid. If they do not agree with this policy, they must resign their memberships,'' Burk said.

When told of Burk's plan to picket his club, member Tom Stebbins said, "Say what? We're just a bunch of friends who play tennis on the weekend when the weather is nice. We don't have any women in our club because no women WANT to be in our club. We're not even an official club. We just have a phone-tree. No dues, no clubhouse, just bring your own racquet and balls. I don't know what she hopes to accomplish by this. It makes no sense."

When informed of Stebbins' comments, Burk said, "Bring your own BALLS, eh? Well, we see where Mr. Stebbins is coming from, now don't we? Typical neanderthal man, stuck in a bygone era where a set of reproductive organs sets you apart from the other gender. Well, let me tell you, if the members of that club believe they have a right to continue excluding women, then I'd like see how they respond when my group along with Jesse Jackson and Rainbow/PUSH start picketing their homes."

Iraq Most Wanted Cards Already Being Traded Among Military

"I'll give you an Uday Hussein for a Tariq Aziz," says Pfc. David Longino to fellow Pfc. Gary Weinick.

That's a common theme being heard in Iraq among the U.S. troops today. The U.S. Central Command has a most-wanted list of Iraqi leaders it wants "pursued, killed or captured." This list was released to American troops in the form of playing cards with a picture of a wanted man adorning each card.

"God, it's like we're playing Pokemon or something out there," says Corporal Vance Hayes, 27, from Austin, Texas. "Guys and gals are swapping and trading these things like they're going to be valuable someday. I suppose we'll be seeing these on EBay sometime after this is all over, you know?"

According to Hayes, the most valuable cards are Saddam himself, his sons, and Tariq Aziz. But the most popular card is Mohammed Saeed al-Saraf. Said Hayes, "Everyone wants as many of the Iraqi funnyman as possible. That dude's funnier than Jerry Seinfeld, I swear! You couldn't get an al-Saraf card for less than a Saddam, an Aziz and two Udays."

Wednesday, April 09, 2003
UK Independent Columnist and Correspondent Robert Fisk Killed Defending Saddam's Regime

Robert Fisk, columnist and Middle East correspondent for the British newspaper The Independent UK, was killed today in Baghdad. Fisk had been reporting on the war for the Independent since the first shot was fired.

Fisk, who is well known for anti-American tirades as well as his vehement opposition to the Iraqi war as an "imperialist act of aggression", reportedly became frustrated at the sight of Iraqis in Baghdad celebrating the arrival of the American soldiers.

According to a witness, Fisk screamed at a group of Iraqi men and women who were embracing and kissing some young American marines, claiming they were embracing the evil oppressors of the world. When they just laughed and continued their celebrating Fisk became incensed. He disappeared for a few minutes and then returned with an automatic rifle, firing on the Marines, screaming about justice. They quickly returned fire, riddling his body with bullets.

Fisk, besides being famous for his anti-American diatribes, was also well-known for his name, which was recently coined as a verb. "To Fisk" someone's work is to deconstruct an article on a point by point basis in a highly critical manner.

Tuesday, April 08, 2003
Iraqi Foreign Minister Dismisses Claims that Syracuse Won NCAA Title

In yet another show of defiance, Iraq's Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf stood in the streets of Baghdad Tuesday morning and claimed that reports of Syracuse's 81-78 victory of Kansas in the NCAA Men's Basketball championship game were "lies and illusions" fabricated by the American government and media.

Sahaf said, "Even now, Syracuse players are ready to committ suicide in fear of the formidable Kansas Jayhawks. Gerry McNamara is an Anglo-American infidel who is meeting his just punishment before Allah. His three point baskets did not strike the heart of the mighty Jayhawk basketball team. This is all evil propaganda."

"The basketball players of Kansas have given them a lesson they will never forget," he said. "We will in fact encourage the Syracuse plyers to commit more suicides. We have given them death and poison. These mercenaries, these Orangemen, I swear by God, those who are still in New Orleans, they have sent their student-atheletes to be humiliated."

"Jim Boeheim is not half the coach that Roy Williams is. All I ask is check yourself. Do not in fact repeat the lies of the American media. By Allah's will, Kansas will prevail. Rock, chalk, Jayhawk!"

Monday, April 07, 2003
Bush Announces Plan to Privatize Daylight Savings

In a speech to Wall Street executives on Monday, President Bush announced a plan to privatize Daylight Savings Time. Under the Bush administration's proposal, Americans would be able to invest a portion of their time in the stock market. "For many years, government bureaucrats have forced busy Americans to put away a whole hour of their time in April," Bush said. "But, when they get that hour back in October, they don't earn much interest on their savings. In fact, with very few exceptions, they only receive the original hour."

"The current scheme is not sustainable," he continued. "We need to put the power of the stock market to work for our citizens. Under my plan, the average American would receive one hour and 15 minutes of daylight savings after only 10 years. After 20, it could be as high as 1 hour and 45 minutes given the historical performance of the stock market."

While the President did not elaborate on the details of his program, Republican leaders in Congress quickly hailed the plan as long overdue. Said Rep. Tom DeLay, "Daylight Savings Time has been one of those political third rails that have been deemed 'untouchable' for years. It's high time we had a leader like the President who is unafraid to tackle the tough issues."

Democratic leaders were quick to assail the President's plan. Sen. Minority Leader Tom Daschle called the plan a "risky scheme" that could "jeopordize the summer daylight savings of older, working class Americans."

Smell the Blog Correspondent Bill Smalls contributed to this report.

Troops, What Troops? All is Well!

You know, I was going to riff off this story, but you just can't write anything funnier than the truth in this case. This takes spin to just hilarious heights.
In an apparent show of defiance, Iraq's Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf stood in the streets of Baghdad Monday morning amid a U.S. raid on the capital, issuing denials of coalition advances.

Sahaf said American troops were beginning to "commit suicide on the walls of Baghdad.

"The soldiers of Saddam Hussein have given them a lesson they will never forget," he said.

"We will in fact encourage them to commit more suicides. We have given them death and poison.

"These mercenaries, I swear by God, those who are still in Washington, they have sent their troops to be burned."

He said the battle had been very fierce and was still ongoing. Iraqi civilians are rallying to defend Baghdad.

As the minister spoke U.S. tanks and armored vehicles continued their attack on central Baghdad.

"Be sure that Baghdad is safe and secure and our great people are strong," Sahaf added.

He denied certain buildings, such as the al Rashid hotel, were under coalition control.

"The Americans, they always depend on a method what I call ... stupid, silly. All I ask is check yourself. Do not in fact repeat their lies."

Who knew our troops were committing suicide on the walls of Baghdad in fear of Saddam and his minions? LOL, how did CNN, FOX, NBC, et al miss that one? Oh and by the way, those tanks you see with American flags rolling through the city? They're not really there. Figments of your imagination. This guy is really bad at Jedi Mind Tricks.

Source: CNN

UPDATE: Well, ScrappleFace proved me wrong. You can write something funnier than this reality. Tell the truth, this would explain a lot.