Smell the Blog

Friday, May 02, 2003
Last Known Tape Made by Saddam Emerges

The U.S. Military discovered a videotape in the offices of the Iraqi TV netowork that appears to show Saddam taping a final speech to the Iraqi people. In it, he appears resigned to defeat and very philosophical, yet confused and rambling. Here is a sample of some of the text of his speech:
Greetings my fellow Iraqis. It appears that the evil, Satanic westerners are winning. We have fought valiantly, and Allah will smile upon us even in defeat. I do not know what to say anymore. I....I've been very depressed lately. I know, I know, it's hard to believe a man as great as I get depressed.

Have you looked at the sky lately? I mean, really looked at the sky. It's Even with the oil smoke in the air, the sky is so, so blue. How does it get that blue? Have you ever wondered that? I have. I love Triscuits. Really, love them, you know. They've always been my favorite American snack food.

I'm...sorry about the torture and mass-murders and all that. I mean, sometimes you feel such pressure as a dictator to live up to the greats like Stalin and Hitler, that you just lose all sense of reality sometimes. Maybe I went a little overboard at times, you know? Hey, you might have done the same in my shoes. It's not easy being a brutal dictator. Everyone's always trying to bump you off or remove you from power. The paranoia eats away at you.

But that's all behind me now. I still have flowers, though. So beautiful, so fragrant. Have you stopped to smell some flowers lately. You reall should. It's the little things in life, really. That's what I've missed all these years. I forgot about the little many...(sob)NOBODY LOVES ME!!! OH the horror, I'm going to die alone, it's not fair....I need a hug. I really need a hug....

Wednesday, April 30, 2003
College Coaches Gone Wild!

Now on sale!!!! Watch your favorite college basketball and football coaches party it up and live large!! Follow Iowa State coach Larry Eustachy as he parties with the sexiest college coeds from around the Big 12. You can be there while he does funnels with the frat boys! Or go golfing with Alabama football coach Mike Price. You never know what he'll say or do, but you can bet the AD won't be talking about it in the morning! There's plenty of classic footage too. Michigan coach Gary Moeller pounds a few 12 packs, Ohio State coach Woody Hayes slugs a few students, former St. John's basketball coach Fran Fraschilla shows you his "little assistant", if you catch our drift, and watch former Rutgers basketball coach Kevin Bannon run nude practices. It's all here on COACHES GONE WILD!!!

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Democrats May Filibuster Roberts Nomination

Senate Democrats stated publicly today that they are considering filibustering Bush D.C. Circuit Court of Appeals nominee John Roberts. Roberts case is currently being debated in the Senate Judiciary Committee.

Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle said today, "We have serious reason to question the qualifications of Mr. Roberts. He is a lawyer and he has tried many cases, including many before the Supreme Court. I just don't feel we can stand for having such a person on the D.C. Court of Appeals. His resume is sorely lacking."

When appraised of Senator Daschle's comments, Sen. Orrin Hatch replied, "Maybe Tom's right. Next time we'll nominate a San Francisco street performer. That should shore up the system quite nicely."

Monday, April 28, 2003
NFL Washington Redskins to Change Nickname

The Washington Redskins, one of the flagship franchises of the National Football League for decades, has decided to change their controversial nickname after years of criticism from Native American groups and other PC activists. Owner Daniel Snyder addressed the change at a press conference at noon today.

"I have given this much thought over the last few years," said Snyder, "ever since I bought the team. While the 'Redskins' name has much tradition and fond memories associated with it, it also recalls a legacy of oppression and bigotry. I cannot stand idly by anymore and allow my franchise to be associated with a slur that offends so many."

"The problem," continued Snyder, "was what new nickname to use to replace 'Redskins'. Most of the good animal nicknames were taken, and besides, we didn't want to offend the good folks at PETA. We thought about Senators, but that's been done before and with a Republican controlled Senate, we thought the image might traumatize our more progressive minded fans. Minutemen is too white and Anglo-centric, Red Storm was already done by St. John's University, and on and on it went. It was very hard to find a mascot or nickname that was truly inclusive of all of our fans and that offended nobody."

"It finally hit me at about 2 AM over 2 weeks ago. We've been working on it non-stop ever since, and I think everyone will be very pleased with the outcome."

"Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce to you, the Washington People!"

The new uniforms have been changed to all white with grey trim at home and grey with white trim for road games. The helmet is white with a picture of people on it. An African-American male, an Asian woman, an Indian child, an Arab woman with veil, an Hispanic teenage boy and a Caucasian 10 year old girl.

When asked why there were no white men on the helmet, since white men make up the majority of NFL fans, Snyder responded, "Well, we considered that, but since white men are the root cause of all evil in the world, we thought it might be too offensive to include them on the helmet. So we made an executive decision and excluded them."

The Washington People open the new NFL season on September 3.

Suspicious Substance Test Negative for Banned Weapons

After three days of chaos at a neighborhood grocery store, life has once again returned to normal. Three days after a field test showed that a container in a Dothan, AL grocery store tested positive for anthrax powder and ricin, follow up lab tests showed the substances were nothing but ordinary table sugar.

"It was pandemonium," said SaveRite store manager Jonah Redman. "It was senior citizen discount day and the store was busy. Nice thing you know I hear these hysterical voices about suspicious white powder found in the baking aisle. Next thing I know the HAZMAT teams were crawling all over this place. Everyone in the store was stripped down to the altogether and hosed down. Then they placed us in quarantine at the local Super 8."

Field tests conducted by the HAZMAT teams showed that the substance found was anthrax. Another unopened container next to the one torn open tested positive for traces of ricin on the packaging. The Alabama National Guard was called in to seal off a 3 square mile area around the SaveRite store.

The packaging was shipped off to the CDC in Atlanta, GA where the lab tests that disproved the field tests were conducted.

HAZMAT chief Troy Moultrie, when asked about the field tests after they were proved faulty said, "Well, I suppose the fact that the packages said SUGAR should have clued us in that the situation may not have been as serious as we first thought, but when those field tests come back positive, you gotta err on the side of caution."

Sinead O'Connor Retirement Elicits Shock From Public

Controversial Irish singer Sinead O'Connor, once famously booed offstage for tearing up the Pope's picture, declared on Thursday that she's had it with the music business and with being famous.

"As of July 2003, I shall be retiring from the music business in order to pursue a different career," wrote O'Connor -- who distinguished herself in the 1990s as much with her shaven head and brash opinions as with her music -- on a Web site devoted to all things Sinead.

Her announcement elicited shock from music fans across the world.

"What?" said Josh Devin, 31, of White Plains, NY. "You mean she didn't retire years ago? I'm shocked! I figured she packed it in after her one song, what the hell was it?"

"Bald chick, right?" asked Wayne Lagac, 28, of Austin, TX. "Yeah, I remember her. Kinda homely, had a weird look. She's was still around?"

On the message on the Web site on Thursday, O'Connor asked to be left alone once she detaches herself from the music industry.

"I would request that as of July, since I seek no longer to be a 'famous' person, and instead I wish to live a 'normal' life, could people please afford me my privacy," she says.

That could be a challenege for Miss O'Connor as a full 38% of music fans polled have a vague recollection of her.