Smell the Blog

2003-06-25T15:31:00.001-04:00

Gore has edge among Democratic 2004 Presidential hopefuls

Sure he's leading now, but I wonder how this would change if you added Heywood Jablome to the list of hopefuls?

2003-06-25T15:31:00.000-04:00

Voice on Tape Not Bin Laden?

Swiss scientists have analyzed the Bin Laden audio tape and are 95% certain that the voice is not that of Bin Laden. They are 75% sure, that the voice is that of legendary songwriter Bob Dylan. One anonmyous scientist was quoted as saying "Hey, he's been unintelligble for years. Is it really any surprise that he might be mistaken for Bin Laden? All those years we thought he was mumbling, he was actually speaking Arabic."

Calls to Dylan's agent went unreturned.

2003-06-13T11:51:00.000-04:00

Shutting Down

I am shutting down this blog. After being away for a month I've found I don't miss it one bit. The fact that no one has e-mailed to ask when or if I'm coming back didn't help. While I developed a nice little following and at least a dozen or so links from other weblogs, I just don't have any interest in doing this type of weblog anymore.

I'm starting up a sports related blog about the Boston Red Sox at Red Sox Rag. Drop by if you're interested in that sort of thing. It's been fun.

2003-05-05T17:32:00.000-04:00

Going on Vacation/Sabbatical

I need a break. I'm going on vacation this coming Sunday. The wife and I are going on a Caribbean cruise while my mom and dad fly down to watch the kiddies for the week. I'm looking forward to a little R&R and my fist ever cruise.

In the meantime, I'm starting a sabbatical from the blog starting today and running through the end of my vacation at a minimum (the 18th of May). I'm drained.

The main problem with trying to keep up with this blog is that I just don't have the time to devote to it and keep the quality at a level that is to my standards. I know none of you wants to hear me bitch about my lack of time, but...tough crap, you're going to. I work and my wife works as a pharmicst. Pharmacists have odd hours. Some days she works only 8 hours, but others she works 12 hours. We have 2 small kids (3 1/2 year old girl and 2 year old boy). When I'm not working, I'm at home being a Dad. This pretty much takes up most of my time right now. I try to squeeze in blogging during my odd free hour or 10 minutes. And I try to squeeze it in along with all my other interests. Reading, sports, movies, spending time with my wife, family, yardwork, blah blah blah....

I'm lucky if I get an hour a week to devote to this blog. I basically write most of my posts in lightning sessions of 10-20 minutes. It is very, VERY hard to come up with funny material in so little time. Often times, I'm posting because I feel I should given the links and readership I've earned in the six months since I've started.

But this was supposed to be about having fun and not trying to please others. I feel almost obligated to post now, and I shouldn't feel that way. I don't want or need any more obligations than I already have, thank you.

So, we'll see how I feel when I return. Maybe I continue with this, maybe I cut back to a post a week. Maybe I change the format to random musings instead of Onion-style satire. It's much harder than it seems to write that kind of humor. Some days it flows and other days I can't think of a damn thing.

Anyway, this is the last post for a little while. I'll update anyone who cares on the future direction of this blog when I get back and can figure out what I want to do with this space. I don't really want to stop blogging, but I don't want to feel like I HAVE to do this either. Hopefully, some answers will lie in the waters around St. Lucia.

2003-05-02T19:58:00.000-04:00

Last Known Tape Made by Saddam Emerges

The U.S. Military discovered a videotape in the offices of the Iraqi TV netowork that appears to show Saddam taping a final speech to the Iraqi people. In it, he appears resigned to defeat and very philosophical, yet confused and rambling. Here is a sample of some of the text of his speech:

Greetings my fellow Iraqis. It appears that the evil, Satanic westerners are winning. We have fought valiantly, and Allah will smile upon us even in defeat. I do not know what to say anymore. I....I've been very depressed lately. I know, I know, it's hard to believe a man as great as I get depressed.

Have you looked at the sky lately? I mean, really looked at the sky. It's so...blue. Even with the oil smoke in the air, the sky is so, so blue. How does it get that blue? Have you ever wondered that? I have. I love Triscuits. Really, love them, you know. They've always been my favorite American snack food.

I'm...sorry about the torture and mass-murders and all that. I mean, sometimes you feel such pressure as a dictator to live up to the greats like Stalin and Hitler, that you just lose all sense of reality sometimes. Maybe I went a little overboard at times, you know? Hey, you might have done the same in my shoes. It's not easy being a brutal dictator. Everyone's always trying to bump you off or remove you from power. The paranoia eats away at you.

But that's all behind me now. I still have flowers, though. So beautiful, so fragrant. Have you stopped to smell some flowers lately. You reall should. It's the little things in life, really. That's what I've missed all these years. I forgot about the little things...so many...(sob)NOBODY LOVES ME!!! OH the horror, I'm going to die alone, it's not fair....I need a hug. I really need a hug....

2003-04-30T23:23:00.000-04:00

College Coaches Gone Wild!

Now on sale!!!! Watch your favorite college basketball and football coaches party it up and live large!! Follow Iowa State coach Larry Eustachy as he parties with the sexiest college coeds from around the Big 12. You can be there while he does funnels with the frat boys! Or go golfing with Alabama football coach Mike Price. You never know what he'll say or do, but you can bet the AD won't be talking about it in the morning! There's plenty of classic footage too. Michigan coach Gary Moeller pounds a few 12 packs, Ohio State coach Woody Hayes slugs a few students, former St. John's basketball coach Fran Fraschilla shows you his "little assistant", if you catch our drift, and watch former Rutgers basketball coach Kevin Bannon run nude practices. It's all here on COACHES GONE WILD!!!

Only $19.99 plus shipping and handling! Order now.

2003-04-30T19:40:00.000-04:00

Democrats May Filibuster Roberts Nomination

Senate Democrats stated publicly today that they are considering filibustering Bush D.C. Circuit Court of Appeals nominee John Roberts. Roberts case is currently being debated in the Senate Judiciary Committee.

Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle said today, "We have serious reason to question the qualifications of Mr. Roberts. He is a lawyer and he has tried many cases, including many before the Supreme Court. I just don't feel we can stand for having such a person on the D.C. Court of Appeals. His resume is sorely lacking."

When appraised of Senator Daschle's comments, Sen. Orrin Hatch replied, "Maybe Tom's right. Next time we'll nominate a San Francisco street performer. That should shore up the system quite nicely."

2003-04-28T23:47:00.000-04:00

NFL Washington Redskins to Change Nickname

The Washington Redskins, one of the flagship franchises of the National Football League for decades, has decided to change their controversial nickname after years of criticism from Native American groups and other PC activists. Owner Daniel Snyder addressed the change at a press conference at noon today.

"I have given this much thought over the last few years," said Snyder, "ever since I bought the team. While the 'Redskins' name has much tradition and fond memories associated with it, it also recalls a legacy of oppression and bigotry. I cannot stand idly by anymore and allow my franchise to be associated with a slur that offends so many."

"The problem," continued Snyder, "was what new nickname to use to replace 'Redskins'. Most of the good animal nicknames were taken, and besides, we didn't want to offend the good folks at PETA. We thought about Senators, but that's been done before and with a Republican controlled Senate, we thought the image might traumatize our more progressive minded fans. Minutemen is too white and Anglo-centric, Red Storm was already done by St. John's University, and on and on it went. It was very hard to find a mascot or nickname that was truly inclusive of all of our fans and that offended nobody."

"It finally hit me at about 2 AM over 2 weeks ago. We've been working on it non-stop ever since, and I think everyone will be very pleased with the outcome."

"Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce to you, the Washington People!"

The new uniforms have been changed to all white with grey trim at home and grey with white trim for road games. The helmet is white with a picture of people on it. An African-American male, an Asian woman, an Indian child, an Arab woman with veil, an Hispanic teenage boy and a Caucasian 10 year old girl.

When asked why there were no white men on the helmet, since white men make up the majority of NFL fans, Snyder responded, "Well, we considered that, but since white men are the root cause of all evil in the world, we thought it might be too offensive to include them on the helmet. So we made an executive decision and excluded them."

The Washington People open the new NFL season on September 3.

2003-04-28T23:30:00.000-04:00

Suspicious Substance Test Negative for Banned Weapons

After three days of chaos at a neighborhood grocery store, life has once again returned to normal. Three days after a field test showed that a container in a Dothan, AL grocery store tested positive for anthrax powder and ricin, follow up lab tests showed the substances were nothing but ordinary table sugar.

"It was pandemonium," said SaveRite store manager Jonah Redman. "It was senior citizen discount day and the store was busy. Nice thing you know I hear these hysterical voices about suspicious white powder found in the baking aisle. Next thing I know the HAZMAT teams were crawling all over this place. Everyone in the store was stripped down to the altogether and hosed down. Then they placed us in quarantine at the local Super 8."

Field tests conducted by the HAZMAT teams showed that the substance found was anthrax. Another unopened container next to the one torn open tested positive for traces of ricin on the packaging. The Alabama National Guard was called in to seal off a 3 square mile area around the SaveRite store.

The packaging was shipped off to the CDC in Atlanta, GA where the lab tests that disproved the field tests were conducted.

HAZMAT chief Troy Moultrie, when asked about the field tests after they were proved faulty said, "Well, I suppose the fact that the packages said SUGAR should have clued us in that the situation may not have been as serious as we first thought, but when those field tests come back positive, you gotta err on the side of caution."

2003-04-28T23:14:00.000-04:00

Sinead O'Connor Retirement Elicits Shock From Public

Controversial Irish singer Sinead O'Connor, once famously booed offstage for tearing up the Pope's picture, declared on Thursday that she's had it with the music business and with being famous.

"As of July 2003, I shall be retiring from the music business in order to pursue a different career," wrote O'Connor -- who distinguished herself in the 1990s as much with her shaven head and brash opinions as with her music -- on a Web site devoted to all things Sinead.

Her announcement elicited shock from music fans across the world.

"What?" said Josh Devin, 31, of White Plains, NY. "You mean she didn't retire years ago? I'm shocked! I figured she packed it in after her one song, what the hell was it?"

"Bald chick, right?" asked Wayne Lagac, 28, of Austin, TX. "Yeah, I remember her. Kinda homely, had a weird look. She's was still around?"

On the message on the Web site on Thursday, O'Connor asked to be left alone once she detaches herself from the music industry.

"I would request that as of July, since I seek no longer to be a 'famous' person, and instead I wish to live a 'normal' life, could people please afford me my privacy," she says.

That could be a challenege for Miss O'Connor as a full 38% of music fans polled have a vague recollection of her.

2003-04-25T09:38:00.000-04:00

More Great Adventures in Googling

My site was recently hit by a Google search for "the worst diarrhea". Words escape me.

2003-04-25T09:21:00.000-04:00

Boycott of Dixie Chicks: Country Artists May Soon Regret Fleetwood Mac Cover

Consumers, retail stores, and radio stations are uniting in a boycott of the popular country music group The Dixie Chicks after hearing about the trio's recent recording of the classic Fleetwood Mac song "Landslide." A Berkeley, California radio station sparked the growing movement against the Grammy-winning chart-toppers when it organized a "CD burning" in a record store parking lot. The well-attended event culminated in the crushing of dozens of Dixie Chicks CDs with a steamroller.

Music fans across America have expressed their outrage with the youthful, all-female band.

"I can't believe that anyone could show such traitorous disloyalty to Stevie Nicks," said furious Austin, Texas bookstore clerk Barbara Golestani. "And to do so at such a sensitive time -- just before the new Fleetwood Mac album release and tour -- makes it doubly offensive. I expect an immediate apology."

"Fleetwood Mac's version of 'Landslide' is absolutely definitive," argued music critic Rob Palazzola of Somerville, Massachusetts. "A cover version is unnecessary. In fact, even deciding to cover that song is unoriginal. Smashing Pumpkins did it almost ten years ago.... And what kind of arrangement did those girls put together? Do I hear a [gosh darn] banjo in there?"

Elizabeth Huang, a student, described her disappointment after a recent Dixie Chicks concert in Olympia, Washington. "The last thing I expected to hear from some perky country stars was a song by a British/American rock supergroup from the 1970's. They played it as an encore. I was horrified. Some people even walked out at that point. The Dixie Chicks should be ashamed of themselves."

Smell The Blog correspondent Bill Smalls contributed to this report.

2003-04-24T15:42:00.000-04:00

Obesity Linked to Name Calling

Excess body weight may contribute to about 100% of all derisive name-calling in overweight men and women according to a new study compiled by the University of Minnesota.

"We have found a strong correlation between how overweight a person is and the number of times during a week they are called names like 'Lard-ass', 'Two Ton Tilly', 'Shamu', 'The Beast that ate Pittsburgh', 'Fatty McButterpants', and 'The Blob', to name a few," said Dr. Diane Leviathan, who headed up the study.

"While we certainly can't discount other factors, it seems pretty clear from the data that increase in insults is directly proportional to the increase in the subject's weight."

About 65% of Americans are overweight or obese. Obesity is defined as 30 or more pounds over a healthy weight; overweight is 10 to 30 pounds over a healthy weight.

There is hope for the afflicted according to Leviathan. "All Orca has to do is get him or herself onto a damn treadmill and eat a freaking salad once in a while and the name-calling should diminish."

2003-04-23T14:32:00.000-04:00

Smell the Blog Lunch Menu for Week of 4/28

Monday: Steak Tips, Inedible Rice Ball, Overcooked Veggies, Jell-O With Fruit like substance

Tuesday: Rubber Chicken, Instant Spuds, Stale Bread, Push-Up

Wednesday: OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT?

Thursday: "Hamburgers", Tater Tots, 10 year old Twinkies

Friday: Cardboard Pizza, Unidentifiable substance, salt, Moldy Ding Dong

2003-04-23T14:25:00.000-04:00

Congrats Josh Fielek of Blog of Xanadu

It looks like Josh is set to join the ranks of parenthood. Congrats Josh and be prepared for your time available for blogging (and everything else) to go WAY down! Seriously, though, it's the best thing that will ever happen to you.

2003-04-22T10:34:00.000-04:00

Bring Out Your Dead!

Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who!

What Monty Python Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-04-21T17:08:00.000-04:00

Kenyan Shocks World By Winning Boston Marathon

Robert Cheruiyot won the Boston Marathon on Monday to give Kenya a shocking victory in the Boston Marathon today. It was just his second career marathon.

Onlooker Sean McDonald couldn't believe his eyes. "I can't believe a Kenyan won the Boston Marathon. A Kenyan! Who would ever have seen that coming. It's unprecedented."

Cheruiyot (pronounced Cheh-REE'-yot) finished in 2 hours, 10 minutes, 11 seconds to win by 23 seconds and earn $80,000, an olive wreath and a bowl of beef stew. Kenyans swept the first five spots in the race, with Benjamin Kimutai second and Martin Lel third.

Said Marathon spokesman David Kramer, "It's just great to see Kenya finally grab some of the spotlight in the sport of men's distance running. Who would ever have forseen this coming? My money was on an Englishman or a Scotsman. I almost bet on a French guy. Who would have thunk to pick a Kenyan? Man, sports just never cease to amaze you, you know? Geez, next thing you'll tell me is that the Yankees will make the baseball playoffs this year. Yeah, like that ever happens!"

Source material from: FOX News.

2003-04-21T15:54:00.000-04:00

Welcome World of Pete to the Blog List

World of Pete joins the blogroll today. Give a click and check him out!

2003-04-20T22:18:00.000-04:00

Democrats Propose Bold Plan to Protect Political Celebrities

Celebrities who share their views on the war with Iraq and politics in general have been in the news quite a bit lately. Specifically, celebrities who oppose the actions and policies of President Bush and say so loudly and publicly. From Susan Sarandon to Natalie Maines to Martin Sheen, celebrities are stepping to the forefront to denounce the war in Iraq and the President in general.

In the past, most celebrity prattle on politics has been largely shrugged off by the public in general. But with a war being waged and American lives in harm's way overseas, anti-war celebrities have been experiencing quite a backlash in the past year. Natalie Maines of the Dixie Chicks spoke of being "embarassed to be from the same state (Texas) as the President. Now, many thousands of angry fans are destroying their CD's and calling radio stations demanding that the Chicks' songs not be played. Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon were uninvited from a celebration of their movie "Bull Durham" that was to be held at the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, NY.

This backlash has caused some celebrities to talk of a return to the days of McCarthyism and blacklists.

Said actor Mike Farrell, ""We know there have been organized attempts to get people fired from their jobs."

For showbiz people, it's no idle concern, says historian Steven Ross. "Movie stars who get bad publicity, who are thought to be unpatriotic, are going to be perceived as box office poison," he said.

While the government has had nothing to do with the backlash celebrities have received this time around, some feel that steps must be taken to protect celebrities who feel they must speak out. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) has come up with a solution to this problem.

At a press conference attended by Pelosi, actor Sean Penn, singer Barbra Streisand, Farrell, actor Martin Sheen, Sarandon and Robbins, Pelosi unveiled the "No Celebrity Left Behind Act".

"This bill," said Pelosi, "will guarantee the rights of celebrities to speak out for the political causes they see fit and will protect them from retribution from an unappreciative or angry public. After all, we aren't just guaranteed the right to speak freely and express dissent with the government, we are also guaranteed the right to be free from opposing opinions, criticism, point by point refutations of our positions and the refusal to see movies or purchase products produced by said celebrities."

"What we intend to do," continued Pelosi, "is to prevent any media outlet, like FOX for instance, from addressing any statement made by celebrities in a critical manner. They may broadcast the statement, but they may not comment on its practicality, relevancy, or relationship with reality. No criticism."

"Secondly, the government will step in and protect these brave souls by determining what movies, TV shows, books and CD's you, the American people, will buy from now on. A government minder will be assigned to you when you shop. For every non-political product you buy, you will be forced to purchase a product made by politically motivated celebrities as well. For instance, if you decide to buy the latest DVD starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, you will then be made to purchase a DVD of a movie produced by Oliver Stone or one that stars Sean Penn, for example."

"Your TV viewing habits will be monitored by your minder. While it is still perfectly acceptable for you to watch Bill O'Reilly or "Fear Factor", you will also be required to tune into "The West Wing" to balance your viewing habits and make sure that Martin Sheen is being supported so that he does not lose his job for political reasons. It is simply unacceptable for Americans to hold celebrities accountable for their statements through the power of the marketplace. It is Un-American to punish someone for views you do not agree with. You should be forced to support them whether you like it or not. This is the price of free speech, and that is the right to freedom from speech."

When asked about the prospects of getting the bill through Congress and signed by President Bush, Pelosi said, "Well, the Republicans now have a chance to show the American people where they stand, on the side of McCarthyism and suppression of free speech, or on the side of insulated celebrities."

2003-04-16T09:43:00.000-04:00

Welcome Saturn in Retrograde

Let's give a big Smell the Blog welcome to Saturn in Retrograde. Bill Ramey and Earnest Brown blog about current events and just about anything else under the sun. I particularly enjoyed Bill's sparring with the Gateway student newspaper at the University of Alberta. Check it out!

2003-04-15T21:41:00.000-04:00

Kucinich Struggling to Raise Money for Presidential Run

Campaign finance reports filed Tuesday show Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich has not raised the millions of dollars needed for a presidential campaign.

Documents filed with the Federal Election Commission show the Cleveland Democrat has raised about $180,000 in the first three months of the year.

A presidential primary campaign usually costs between $20 million and $30 million.

Most of Kucinich's contributions are from individuals rather than interest groups.

Documents show Kucinich has spent about $130,000 on his Web site, travel and office expenses, leaving him with about $50,000.

A Smell the Blog poll was done asking prospective voters why they thought Kucinich was having a hard time raising funds. "He's a wingnut" led all responses with 43% followed by "Who?" with 38% and "a vast conspiracy between the mafia, right wing chickenhawks and Dom DeLuise" trailed at 11%.

Source material for this story was gathered from: Ohio News Network

2003-04-15T21:34:00.000-04:00

Israel's Sharon Calls Syria's Assad an Ass-ad

Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, calling Syrian President Bashar al-Assad dangerous and prone to risky mistakes, has urged the United States to turn up the heat on Damascus.

"Let's face it," said Sharon in a brief statement to the press today, "Bashar al-Assad is not the brightest bulb in the house, if you catch my drift. Hey, there's a reason his name is Ass-ad. Get it? ASS-ad?! What an Ass-ad that guy is! Ha ha ha!"

"In the Iraq war (Assad) proved he was incapable of drawing conclusions from very obvious facts," Sharon said.

"Anyone with eyes in his head would have known that Iraq was going to be on the losing side. But Assad thought the United States was going to fail. That just proves my point that Bashar is an Ass.......ad!"

When asked for a response to Prime Minister Sharon's remarks, al-Assad paused for a moment before saying, "uhhhh...Takes one to know one! Recover from that fat man!"

2003-04-14T22:37:00.000-04:00

Today's Smile

David Leisure, best known for his role on "Empty Nest", has also appeared in various roles on such television series as "Married With Children", "The Golden Girls", "Nurses", "Lois and Clark", and TV movies including "Goddess of Love," "Hart to Hart," and "Burke's Law."

2003-04-14T22:26:00.000-04:00

Adventures in Googling

OK, whoever was the person who found my blog by searching for "justice league naked", you have serious, serious probs.

2003-04-11T16:43:00.000-04:00

Martha Burk to Protest East Longmeadow Saturday Tennis Club

Following her protest of the Augusta National club at this week's Masters Tournament, Martha Burk, the head of the National Council of Women's Organizations, plans to move on to East Longmeadow, MA next week. Her target is the East Longmeadow Saturday Tennis Club.

"I have found out through sources that the East Longmeadow Saturday Tennis Club has no female members," said Burk outside Augusta National. "How long are we going to allow men to subjugate women to second class citizen status. Are women not good enough to be part of their club? I think not. It's high time the members of this club ask themselves if they really support such gender apartheid. If they do not agree with this policy, they must resign their memberships,'' Burk said.

When told of Burk's plan to picket his club, member Tom Stebbins said, "Say what? We're just a bunch of friends who play tennis on the weekend when the weather is nice. We don't have any women in our club because no women WANT to be in our club. We're not even an official club. We just have a phone-tree. No dues, no clubhouse, just bring your own racquet and balls. I don't know what she hopes to accomplish by this. It makes no sense."

When informed of Stebbins' comments, Burk said, "Bring your own BALLS, eh? Well, we see where Mr. Stebbins is coming from, now don't we? Typical neanderthal man, stuck in a bygone era where a set of reproductive organs sets you apart from the other gender. Well, let me tell you, if the members of that club believe they have a right to continue excluding women, then I'd like see how they respond when my group along with Jesse Jackson and Rainbow/PUSH start picketing their homes."

2003-04-11T16:22:00.000-04:00

Iraq Most Wanted Cards Already Being Traded Among Military

"I'll give you an Uday Hussein for a Tariq Aziz," says Pfc. David Longino to fellow Pfc. Gary Weinick.

That's a common theme being heard in Iraq among the U.S. troops today. The U.S. Central Command has a most-wanted list of Iraqi leaders it wants "pursued, killed or captured." This list was released to American troops in the form of playing cards with a picture of a wanted man adorning each card.

"God, it's like we're playing Pokemon or something out there," says Corporal Vance Hayes, 27, from Austin, Texas. "Guys and gals are swapping and trading these things like they're going to be valuable someday. I suppose we'll be seeing these on EBay sometime after this is all over, you know?"

According to Hayes, the most valuable cards are Saddam himself, his sons, and Tariq Aziz. But the most popular card is Mohammed Saeed al-Saraf. Said Hayes, "Everyone wants as many of the Iraqi funnyman as possible. That dude's funnier than Jerry Seinfeld, I swear! You couldn't get an al-Saraf card for less than a Saddam, an Aziz and two Udays."

2003-04-09T19:30:00.000-04:00

UK Independent Columnist and Correspondent Robert Fisk Killed Defending Saddam's Regime

Robert Fisk, columnist and Middle East correspondent for the British newspaper The Independent UK, was killed today in Baghdad. Fisk had been reporting on the war for the Independent since the first shot was fired.

Fisk, who is well known for anti-American tirades as well as his vehement opposition to the Iraqi war as an "imperialist act of aggression", reportedly became frustrated at the sight of Iraqis in Baghdad celebrating the arrival of the American soldiers.

According to a witness, Fisk screamed at a group of Iraqi men and women who were embracing and kissing some young American marines, claiming they were embracing the evil oppressors of the world. When they just laughed and continued their celebrating Fisk became incensed. He disappeared for a few minutes and then returned with an automatic rifle, firing on the Marines, screaming about justice. They quickly returned fire, riddling his body with bullets.

Fisk, besides being famous for his anti-American diatribes, was also well-known for his name, which was recently coined as a verb. "To Fisk" someone's work is to deconstruct an article on a point by point basis in a highly critical manner.

2003-04-08T13:50:00.000-04:00

Iraqi Foreign Minister Dismisses Claims that Syracuse Won NCAA Title

In yet another show of defiance, Iraq's Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf stood in the streets of Baghdad Tuesday morning and claimed that reports of Syracuse's 81-78 victory of Kansas in the NCAA Men's Basketball championship game were "lies and illusions" fabricated by the American government and media.

Sahaf said, "Even now, Syracuse players are ready to committ suicide in fear of the formidable Kansas Jayhawks. Gerry McNamara is an Anglo-American infidel who is meeting his just punishment before Allah. His three point baskets did not strike the heart of the mighty Jayhawk basketball team. This is all evil propaganda."

"The basketball players of Kansas have given them a lesson they will never forget," he said. "We will in fact encourage the Syracuse plyers to commit more suicides. We have given them death and poison. These mercenaries, these Orangemen, I swear by God, those who are still in New Orleans, they have sent their student-atheletes to be humiliated."

"Jim Boeheim is not half the coach that Roy Williams is. All I ask is check yourself. Do not in fact repeat the lies of the American media. By Allah's will, Kansas will prevail. Rock, chalk, Jayhawk!"

2003-04-07T14:13:00.000-04:00

Bush Announces Plan to Privatize Daylight Savings

In a speech to Wall Street executives on Monday, President Bush announced a plan to privatize Daylight Savings Time. Under the Bush administration's proposal, Americans would be able to invest a portion of their time in the stock market. "For many years, government bureaucrats have forced busy Americans to put away a whole hour of their time in April," Bush said. "But, when they get that hour back in October, they don't earn much interest on their savings. In fact, with very few exceptions, they only receive the original hour."

"The current scheme is not sustainable," he continued. "We need to put the power of the stock market to work for our citizens. Under my plan, the average American would receive one hour and 15 minutes of daylight savings after only 10 years. After 20, it could be as high as 1 hour and 45 minutes given the historical performance of the stock market."

While the President did not elaborate on the details of his program, Republican leaders in Congress quickly hailed the plan as long overdue. Said Rep. Tom DeLay, "Daylight Savings Time has been one of those political third rails that have been deemed 'untouchable' for years. It's high time we had a leader like the President who is unafraid to tackle the tough issues."

Democratic leaders were quick to assail the President's plan. Sen. Minority Leader Tom Daschle called the plan a "risky scheme" that could "jeopordize the summer daylight savings of older, working class Americans."

Smell the Blog Correspondent Bill Smalls contributed to this report.

2003-04-07T14:04:00.000-04:00

Troops, What Troops? All is Well!

You know, I was going to riff off this story, but you just can't write anything funnier than the truth in this case. This takes spin to just hilarious heights.

In an apparent show of defiance, Iraq's Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf stood in the streets of Baghdad Monday morning amid a U.S. raid on the capital, issuing denials of coalition advances.

Sahaf said American troops were beginning to "commit suicide on the walls of Baghdad.

"The soldiers of Saddam Hussein have given them a lesson they will never forget," he said.

"We will in fact encourage them to commit more suicides. We have given them death and poison.

"These mercenaries, I swear by God, those who are still in Washington, they have sent their troops to be burned."

He said the battle had been very fierce and was still ongoing. Iraqi civilians are rallying to defend Baghdad.

As the minister spoke U.S. tanks and armored vehicles continued their attack on central Baghdad.

"Be sure that Baghdad is safe and secure and our great people are strong," Sahaf added.

He denied certain buildings, such as the al Rashid hotel, were under coalition control.

"The Americans, they always depend on a method what I call ... stupid, silly. All I ask is check yourself. Do not in fact repeat their lies."

Who knew our troops were committing suicide on the walls of Baghdad in fear of Saddam and his minions? LOL, how did CNN, FOX, NBC, et al miss that one? Oh and by the way, those tanks you see with American flags rolling through the city? They're not really there. Figments of your imagination. This guy is really bad at Jedi Mind Tricks.

Source: CNN

UPDATE: Well, ScrappleFace proved me wrong. You can write something funnier than this reality. Tell the truth, this would explain a lot.

2003-04-05T22:12:00.000-05:00

Mean Mr. Mustard Goes Off

On Berkeley professors. I know, it's shooting fish in a barrel, but it makes for entertaining reading nonetheless.

2003-04-05T22:01:00.000-05:00

Reading Studies About Links to Cancer Linked to Increased Risk of Cancer

Men and women who read studies about links to increased cancer risk are at an increased risk of getting certain types of cancer, according to a new European study published this week.

A team of scientists from Cancer Research UK and the International Agency for Research on Cancer conducted an extensive review of numerous research studies of all types of cancer risk involving data from 24 countries. They studied the people who read those studies over a 10 year period and found that there was an increased risk of contracting cancer by those who read studies about increased risk of getting cancer.

Dr. Amy Graebel said, "What this shows is that even reading about the risks of cancer can increase your risk of cancer. Truly, this shows that we must be ever vigilant in our lives, watching not only what we eat and drink and where we live, but also watching what we read. Or we could just be full of shit."

2003-04-05T21:55:00.000-05:00

Britain's poet laureate pens war lament

And yet somehow, the war goes on. People just don't give poet laureates the proper respect they used to give them. Damn shame.

2003-04-05T21:52:00.000-05:00

Peter Arnett Signs On With Al Arabiya

I guess we should have seen this coming. Now he can report on all that the Great Satan is doing to the Arab World. Perhaps he can land a gig with the Weekly World News Channel when he gets fired from this gig.

2003-04-02T17:50:00.000-05:00

Iraq Information Ministry, Weekly World News, Team Up to Form New Cable News Channel

In a press conference today, the Iraqi Ministry of Information and the CEO of American Media, Inc., David Pecker, announced they were forming a partnership and starting up a satellite news channel to compete with CNN, SkyNews (FOX), Al-Jazeera, BBC and other world players.

"The world is hearing only what the corrupt Western regimes want you to hear," said Ministry spokeman Mahamed Samir. "While Al-Jezeera may be a step in right direction in showing the world the truth, we feel that adding another voice to our point of view could only help. But we knew the West would accuse us of spreading propaganda. That's why we have teamed up with one of the West's most popular and well-respected newspapers, the Weekly World News. They, like us, stand for the truth."

Said Pecker, "It seemed like a logical marriage to us. What better way to bring the world the News's brand of hard hitting, truth filled journalism than to team with the most forthright government in the world. I mean, who are you going to believe, George Bush and his American media lapdogs, or us?"

2003-04-01T16:48:00.000-05:00

AWOL Marine Returns, Voices Status as Conscientious Objector

From the Mercury News:

Declaring that he believes all wars are immoral, a 20-year-old Marine Corps reservist surrendered to military authorities in San Jose this morning after more than a month of unauthorized absence while he prepared his application for discharge as a conscientious objector.

``The military coerces people into killing,'' Lance Cpl. Stephen Funk told a small crowd of reporters and well-wishers who gathered outside the Marine Corps reserve center on Mission Street in San Jose. ``I may not be a hero but I know it takes courage to disobey.''

Ummm, dude, you joined the f*cking Marines!! What the hell did you think you were getting into when you joined the Marines? If "all wars are immoral", as you believe, than my advice to you would be to stay the hell out of the armed forces. I mean, what next, a p0rn star saying that she believes pre-marital sex is immoral and that she wants to wait until she gets married?

2003-04-01T16:29:00.000-05:00

Handy Iraqi-speak Translator

The following is a press release, obtained via CNN, translated from Iraqi-speak into the real world:

"Yesterday, an American warplane attacked two buses on the highway between Baghdad and Ahman," Mohammed Saeed al Sahaf told reporters.

Yesterday, the Iraqi government fired on two buses and blamed it on the Americans.

"Those people on those two buses are human shields coming to participate in defending civilian installations like water sanitation stations, electricity generation stations, and so on."

These buses were filled with "useful fools" who have not yet fled and were being sent to shield legitimate military targets.

Sahaf said: "The 'brave' Americans start shooting the Americans [in the buses]. They are indiscriminately killing people."

These fools have finally filled our mission for them, to die so that we can blame the Americans.

He said Iraqis are awaiting more details on the incident., and the U.S. Central Command said it is investigating the claim.

No evidence will be found to back the Iraqi claim.

Describing what Sahaf said was the attack in southern Babylon, 60 miles south of Baghdad, he said, "This morning, the villains bombarded a civilian quarter." He said the children who died lived in adjacent houses.

In attempting to protect ourselves from the U.S. air attacks, our missles missed their targets and fell on our own people, showing how incompetent we are, yet still offering us political cover with the weak minded and gullible.

He described "fierce battles" in Basra and Nasiriya, and said coalition troops had targeted telephone exchanges and farms throughout the country, and hit TV and radio transmitters in more than three cities.

We're getting out asses kicked.

Coalition bombing of Baghdad on Tuesday morning killed five Iraqi civilians and wounded 25 others, he said. He said the five are among 24 civilians killed since late Monday.

And In Baghdad, we killed more of our own citizens on purpose and accidently through misfired anti-aircraft defense missles.

Iraqi troops, however, are prevailing, the minister said.

Desertions and the killing of our own troops by loyalists is on the decline.

"The Iraqi troops and the Iraqi fighters are in control of all the places, as we have witnessed," Sahaf said. "No big change in that. We are fighting against them."

I figure we have a few more weeks or months to live before either the Americans kill us or our own oppressed people string us up like the Italians did to Mussolini.

Iraqi fighters destroyed seven tanks and the Fedayeen, forces loyal to Iraq President Saddam Hussein, destroyed seven coalition personnel carriers near Najaf, he said. Iraqis also shot down an Apache helicopter, he added.

We destroyed no tanks, but we found a personnel carrier that broke down and was abandoned as well as a helipcopter that crashed after mechanical problems.

"They are achieving nothing, they are suffering from casualties. Those casualties are increasing, not decreasing," said Sahaf, who referred to U.S. President George W. Bush and other Americans as "bastards."

We're killing an average of 1-2 Americans per day while hundreds of our own soldiers die daily. I like those odds.

2003-04-01T14:53:00.000-05:00

Dow, Nasdaq Dive on News of Illness

The Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped 175 points today in heavy trading today. The NASDAQ 100 Composite was down 24 points and the S&P 500 index was also down 12 points.

The sell-off came on the news that Bob Galvin, 25, of Rocky Hill, Connecticut, was sick with a terrible version of the flu and would miss a few days of work at his job as a Help Desk Associate at Aetna Life and Casualty in Hartford.

"The blow to production over the next few days will be devestating in our department," said Galvin's IT Manager, Dan Hodge. "These are tough times and we've had to cut back personnel as it is. When key guys like Bob are out, we just don't have the manpower to pick up the slack. That means people are going to have to wait to get their computers unfrozen, software glitches investigated and fixed, new monitors delivered. It's a catastrophe."

News of Galvin's illness quickly spread from Hartford to the trading floor at the NYSE, where Galvin has many friends from his days in school at the University of Connecticut. What had started as a day of modest gains on the market quickly turned sour.

Said one trader, "Within minutes of the news about Bob, we started getting frantic orders to sell. No one wants to be left holding the bag knowing that Bob's production will be missed over the next few days."

Galvin holds out hope for the near future, though. "Once I get this thing licked, I should be able to work some OT, maybe a Saturday or two, and we'll be back on schedule."

2003-03-31T14:05:00.000-05:00

Play Ball!

At last, baseball has returned! Go Red Sox!

2003-03-27T21:48:00.000-05:00

Jesse Jackson Calls for Truce in Bid for Publicity

The Rev. Jesse Jackson called Thursday for a truce to allow humanitarian aid to be delivered to Iraq and asked for permission from both U.S. and Iraq officials to allow religious leaders to visit with prisoners of war. Jackson said this was a great opportunity for him to get his name back in the papers and get the publicity he needed to feed his gigantic ego.

Said Jackson, "Things were going very well for me with the Masters' controversy. Augusta National's refusal to admit women was a great opportunity for me to get my name back in the papers after a long absence."

"But then a real tragedy happened, and the war in Iraq was initiated by President Bush, taking the spotlight away from me. It took me a while to hatch a plan in which I could insert myself into this situation in such a way as to generate the maximum amount of publicity for myself."

When asked if he really thought the U.S. would put an end to hostilities when they've made this much progress towards removing Saddam Hussein from power, Jackson replied, "True, it may be too optimistic to hope that I can put an end to all hostilities permanently, but at the very least, I can broker a cease fire long enough so that I can get all kinds of attention while medicines and food are delivered to the Iraqi people. Then the President can go back to his war, and all sides will be satisfied. The Iraqi people, the President and my enormous ego."

2003-03-27T17:21:00.000-05:00

NY Times Reports: Americans All to Die Hideous, Painful, Disgusting Deaths due to War in Iraq

According to today's lead editorial in the New York Times, American citizens will all suffer excruciatingly painful deaths in the next month unless something is done to reverse the course of the war in Iraq.

It has come to our attention that unless Mr. Bush and Mr. Blair step back from their unilateralist war against Iraq and re-enter the world community through diplomacy and debate, all American citizens will suffer painful and grotesque deaths in the next month.

There will be disease, famine, riots, and a reign of suffering o'er the land. Locusts will consume our crops, dogs and cats will eat each other, buildings will light aflame and seas will boil. Trees will come alive and eat your pets. Killer mosquitos the size of camels will drain the blood from you. The dead shall rise and consume our brains. Men, women and children will vomit forth their own blood. Sores will cover your bodies, your hair will fall out and you will eaten by wild hyenas as you waste away in your own homes. There your bodies will lie whilst all of nature's vilest creatures will consume you and defecate on you.

This can all be avoided President Bush reverses course and ends his illegal war against the Iraqi people and the U.S. resumes its rightful place at the heel of the United Nations. The choice is ours. Let us hope the President makes the right choice.

2003-03-27T12:01:00.000-05:00

First Sheryl Crow, Now This?

Via Sify News

John Lennon, would have "told off" British Prime Minister Tony Blair and US President George W. Bush for waging war on Iraq, the Beatle's widow Yoko Ono said Thursday.

Ono, an ardent peace campaigner, was speaking in Liverpool, northwest England, where Lennon's childhood home was officially being opened to the public.

"I'm sure John would have been terribly upset" about the war, if he were still alive, Ono told BBC radio. "And I'm sure that he would have expressed his anger and told them off", she said, referring to Bush and Blair, about "how stupid it is to go through this".

"As Gandhi said, 'An eye for an eye will make us all blind'." In the 1960's John and Yoko took part in several "Bed In" protests against United States involvement in Vietnam and wrote the pro-peace ballad, Give Peace A Chance.

UPDATE: After hearing that John Lennon would have "blasted" them for their role in the war, President Bush and Prime Minister Blair reversed course today and halted all military action. Instead, the most powerful broadcasting equipment and speakers have been put in a ring around Baghdad and they are pumping Yoko Ono's music into Baghdad 24/7. The allies expect a full surrender by the Iraqi regime within the week.

"No one can tolerate that hideous screeching for long, " said Blair. It may cruel and unusual punishment, but we decided to "Give Peace a Chance."

2003-03-26T16:53:00.000-05:00

Al-Jazeera Demands Equal Access of the Press

Today, al-Jazeera spokesman Jihad Ballout demanded that their reporters get the same access afforded to American journalists in the Iraqi war.

Said Ballout, "CNN, MSNBC, FOX, all the major media players in the U.S. have embedded journalists travelling with the U.S. army and yet we're not allowed to do that. This is patently unfair and works against the notion of international freedom of the press."

"I mean, it's not like we'd use our equipment to let the Iraqis know the exact location, size and composition of the U.S. forces we were travelling with, now would we?"

Ballout proceeded to laugh maniacally and make twisty motions at a non-existant handle-bar mustache.

2003-03-26T08:56:00.000-05:00

Amazing Admission by Former Human Shield

Apparently, even the naive can eventually see the light. An amazing account of how one naive human shield went to Iraq only to discover the Iraqi people desperately wanted the U.S. to come rescue them from Saddam.

2003-03-25T17:18:00.000-05:00

Sgt. Akbar, Accused in Grenade Attack, Falls Back on Race and Religion as Excuses

Source: ABC KGO-TV San Francisco

U.S. Army Sgt. Asan Akbar, the soldier being detained in connection with a grenade attack on his fellow soldiers, told his family members that he encountered racism as an African-American and a Muslim in the armed services.

His stepfather, William Bilal, who was once married to Akbar's mother, Quran Bilal, said that his stepson was resentful toward the military and had complained several years ago that it was difficult for a black man "to make rank" in the military.

"Hasan was pushed to this. We've got that clear," William Bilal told WBRZ, ABCNEWS' affiliate in Baton Rouge, La. "Everybody's got a breaking point, to put it that way. Everybody's got a breaking point. If he did this, he was driven to pressure, whatever."

What makes this story particularly shocking is that Asan Akbar is the biological son of the famous Admiral Akbar of the Battle for Endor (see picture below). When asked for comment, Admiral Akbar would only say, "I have not seen my son in many years and I regret that we have not been closer. I only wish he had used the Force for guidance."

Admiral Akbar

2003-03-24T23:04:00.000-05:00

Filmmaker Michael Moore Kills Himself in Fit of Self-Loathing

Filmmaker Michael Moore, a critically-acclaimed director of documentaries and newly-minted Oscar Winner killed himself at a stand-up performance at UCLA on Monday night.

Moore, who is also the author of the best-selling book Stupid White Men, has made a career out of attacking the perceived flaws of the American system, such as capitalism, corporate greed and gun ownership. He also has expressed extreme loating for the current White House adminstration.

Moore incorporates all of these subjects into his lectures. At UCLA on Monday night, he was mid-lecture when he stopped in mid-sentence and begin to scream at no one in particular.

"I attack capitalism, I loathe it and the inequities it creates, and yet I feed off the system like any other typical capitalist fat cat. I bash corporate greed yet rail at not being paid enough for my speaking engagements.... I am a white male for God's sake. All white males are evil, the devil's spawn, potential rapists all, the world would be better if we were all locked away for good....yet here I am being paid for you to listen to me....I inhabit the body of a natural racist...a white male.....why would anyone listen to a racist like me...no, I'm not a racist, but I'm white....I can't handle the...must bash Bush...Bush is evil....not elected.....but he's a white male like me....MY HEAD IT HURTS......OJ was innocent......hate greed....want money.....evil junta.....70% approval impossible....can't handle the voices anymore..AAAAAHHHHH!!!"

Moore then whipped a pistol out of his pocket, put it in his mouth and pulled the trigger. Moore, 49, was recently awarded the Academy Award for Best Documentary for Bowling for Columbine, which explored the role of guns in America.

2003-03-24T11:41:00.000-05:00

Apology for Lack of Activity

Sorry for the lack of entries this past week. What with the war starting, it's been tough to think of anything funny lately.

2003-03-21T17:24:00.000-05:00

Activists Revel in Moral Duty to Express Their Free Speech

A group of anti-war activists exercised their right to free speech today by taking a dump on the steps of the Federal Courthouse in San Francisco today. This was the first of many exercises in "free speech" by the group on this day.

Said activist Laurie Keegan, 20, a junior at Cal-Berkeley, "The Constitution says we have the right to express ourselves. You can't stop us, the government can't stop us, no one can stop us. This war is wrong and it is evil. Bush is evil and we're going to prove it to people." Keegan proceeded to drop her trousers and take a large crap on the courthouse steps in front of her cheering friends and to the horror of some bystanders and small children nearby, who began crying.

When confronted by a young male bystander who told them how disgusting they were being, the group surrounded him and began to shove him and scream at him, "I bet you support the war! We want peace. Evil oppressor! We have the right to express ourselves! F***ing chickenhawk! No blood for oil!" The young man was finally rescued by other bystanders, who were spat upon by the peace activists.

The group proceeded to walk up a few blocks and came across a dry cleaners with the American Flag in the window. The group stormed into the store and grabbed the flag off the window. They ran outside yelling "Imperialist pig!!! No blood for oil!!!" Activist Josh Greyson, 21, a junior at the University of San Francisco, proceeded to pull down his pants and wipe his rear end with the flag, to the cheers of his friends.

At that point, a man who was presumably the owner came running out yelling at the activists. They proceeded to push him around yelling at the "imperialist pig" who supported our "selected president" and was displaying a "symbol of oppression" in his store that offended them.

"It's been a great day for freedom of speech," said Keegan. "One guy had the nerve to try to engage us in debate. But we shouted his dirty, imperialist views down. No one should have to listen to that hate speech. Someone should send that guy to a work camp far away where he can do penance for the brown stain on society that his presence represents. That's what I would do if I ran the country, anyway."

2003-03-19T14:40:00.000-05:00

Senator Daschle "Saddened, Dismayed at Wife's Cooking"

Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle lashed out at his wife on Wednesday. saying she had "failed miserably" in preparing meat loaf with potatoes au gratin and string beans for Tuesday night's dinner.

"I'm saddened," Daschle, D-South Dakota, said in a press conference on the Capitol steps today. "I'm saddened that after all these years of marriage that my wife can't even cook a decent meat loaf. There was too much breading and not enough meat, the consistency and texture was of an old rotted log."
Daschle continued, "And those potatoes! God! You call those au gratin? She would have been better off buying a box of instant spuds. At least those don't stick to your throat on the way down. Egads! Let's not talk about the string beans, either."

When asked what he thought his wife could do to improve the situation, Senator Daschle said, "Well, obviously her attempts at unilateral cooking are a disaster. It's time for her to restart her attempts to take a cooking class or to hire a personal chef for us. Otherwise, it's Chinese take-out at the Daschle household for the forseeable future."

2003-03-19T14:03:00.000-05:00

Today's Smile

On this date in 1865, the Battle of Bentonville, North Carolina was fought.

Confederate General Joseph Johnston makes a desperate attempt to stop Union General William T. Sherman's drive through the Carolinas in the war's last days, but Johnston's motley army cannot stop the advance of Sherman's mighty army.

The Union lost 194 men killed, 1,112 wounded, and 221 missing, while the Confederates lost 240 killed, 1,700 wounded, and 1,500 missing.

Historical Data via: The History Channel

2003-03-18T14:50:00.000-05:00

Today's Smile

Today we are introducing a new feature at Smell the Blog called Today's Smile. Today's Smile will give you fun facts that will enlighten you and cause you to smile when you think about it. Today's Smile is:

Symptoms of heroin withdrawl can include tremors, panic, chills, nausea, vomiting, muscle cramps, stomach cramps, diarrhea, shaking, chills, profuse sweating, and irritability, among others.

2003-03-18T14:07:00.000-05:00

Activists Removed From Redwood Trees

Humboldt County's Pacific Lumber Co. upped the ante in its dispute with anti-logging activists Monday, sending climbers into lofty redwoods east of Eureka to bring down 18 tree sitters who have been protesting in their perches for almost a year.

Humboldt decided to use a controversial new chemical to rid its redwoods of activists. Called "Green Be Gone", Humboldt uses a high powered hose to spray it into the trees. The chemical then eats away the harnesses that the acitvists uses to tie themselves to the tree. Another component of the spray causes massive vertigo in the activist, causing them to topple over the side of the limb. Large nets are set up at the base of the tree to catch falling Greens.

"Oh, it worked fantastic," said Humboldt field manager Gary Werkheiser. "We sprayed a bunch of it up in this redwood and all these Greens just started dropping like flies within 5-10 minutes. Most of them were hauled away by police with only minor injuries. Some of them may lose their sense of smell, but overall, I'd say it's a great success!"

Werkheiser said the company plans to use Green Be Gone to rid its trees of Greens in the future. "It's not much different than spraying for other types of parasites. You don't want Greens in your trees anymore than you'd want Japanese Beetles or termites, you know? In the cases of really tall trees, we can use planes to spray it over the area.

When asked about the possibility of Greens getting hurt by falling out of tall trees, Werkheiser said, "That's a risk, no doubt. My response to that is to remind these people that they're not goddamn birds, they're people. People who need to get a grip."

2003-03-18T09:37:00.000-05:00

I Always Knew I Cared About the Little Dolts

Which Founding Father Are You?

2003-03-17T19:27:00.000-05:00

Daschle lashes out at Bush for 'failed' diplomacy

Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle lashed out at President Bush on Monday, saying he had "failed so miserably" at diplomacy in the crisis with Iraq that the United States now stands on the brink of war.

"I'm saddened," Daschle, D-South Dakota, said in a speech to the American Federation of State, County and Municipal Employees. "I'm saddened that President Bush could not live up to the example that we, as Democrats, have set. While the President has failed to win votes over on the Security Council with his ham-handed handling of diplomacy, we as Democrats can look proudly at our past year of efforts. Look at my efforts in reaching compromise in Congress. Look at how I reached to Republicans to try and find common ground. Look at the statesmanship I have displayed in confirming the President's judicial nominees, his budget proposals and on Homeland Security."

"President Bush has failed to sell his views to the international community. This kind of failure is unacceptable. Look at how we, as Democrats, sold our message to the American people. Look at how much more effective we are at communicating what it is we stand for and look at how the people responded."

At this point in the speech, Senator Daschle began sweating profusely and abruptly called an end to the press conference.

2003-03-17T17:08:00.000-05:00

Report Marriage Doesn't Make You Happy

Most newlyweds experience a brief emotional bounce after their wedding, but they eventually return to the same outlook they had on life before they tied the knot, according to a study released Sunday.

"We found that people were no more satisfied after marriage than they were prior to marriage," the researchers said.

The study was published in the March issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, a publication of the American Psychological Association.

Researchers tracked more than 24,000 people from 1984 to 1995, asking participants every year to rate their overall life satisfaction from zero (totally unhappy) to 10 (totally happy).

The average boost from marriage was small -- one-tenth of one point on the scale, researchers said.

The biggest boost to happiness for people in order were:

2003-03-16T16:17:00.000-05:00

Bush Says, "Moment of Truth is Upon Us"

President Bush said early Sunday morning that opportunity for debate was coming to an end.

"We have watched with great interest the goings on that have transpired since November of last year. We have watched as national opinion has fluctuated in favor of one side and then another. We have listened to all the pundits and all the differing opinions. Now is the time for decision."

Bush continued, "Today is the day. Today, the NCAA Selection committee chooses who will be among the field of 65 NCAA men's basketball teams for the Road to the Final Four. There will be no more debate. This administration demands answers and it demands them tonight."

"We expect no less than a full one hour show, nationally televised, telling us just who will be in this tournament and where they will be playing. This administration and the rest of the country will be watching and waiting with great interest. I trust that the NCAA will do the right thing and hand over this information.

Bush concluded by adding "I sincerely hope that the University of Texas gets at least a #2 seed. We can tolerate nothing less."

2003-03-14T16:31:00.000-05:00

Saddam Wishes to Die in Iraq

When Russian envoy Yevgeny Primakov met Iraqi President Saddam Hussein last month, he tactfully asked about reports that he might consider exile to avert a U.S. invasion.

The answer was calm and sharp: "I was born in Iraq and I will die in Iraq."

When informed of Hussein's answer, U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld replied, "We will be happy to oblige President Hussein's request. Rest assured, he will die in Iraq very, very soon."

Source: Reuters

2003-03-11T23:29:00.000-05:00

France Changes Flag Colors

French President Jacques Chirac announced today that France would be changing the colors of their national flag. The current flag, which was colored red, white and blue, was described by Chirac as too representative of all that the United States stands for. Unilateralism, freedom, refusal to bend to the will of their betters.

Chirac then unveiled a flag whose colors was more representative of the French people, their character and their attitudes. The tri-colored flag will be booger green, puke orange and dump brown.

2003-03-11T20:52:00.000-05:00

This Just In....

David Wells is a big, fat drunken slob. Oh, and he's a *&#$*#&$ Yankee too.

2003-03-11T19:16:00.000-05:00

Princess Diana Harrassed Even in Afterlife

Psychics who claim to have contacted the spirit of Diana, Princess of Wales for a TV show say she is "having fun" in the afterlife.

After spending time with Mother Teresa, Diana is working with children while watching over her own sons from the "other side", according to British mediums Craig and Jane Hamilton-Parker.

The Parkers went on to say, "Diana didn't want to talk at first. The first thing she said when we contacted her was 'Oh for Christ's sake, not here too!? Can't you &#$^#$ people just learn to leave me the *&#$ alone??? For God's sake, I'm dead and you're still obsessing over me. Get a damn life will you? I'm just a woman, or rather, I was just a woman. If you damn people weren't so bloody obsessed with me, I'd probably be alive right now. Why don't you all go back to trying to contact Elvis or Houdini or something? Can't a girl just rest in peace?"

Source: IC Wales

2003-03-11T19:08:00.000-05:00

Leaked Memo Reveals U.S. To Drop Nude Bomb on Iraq

In a shocking revelation, a Pentagon memo leaked to the press revealed that as part of the U.S. "shock and awe" tactics in the opening salvo of the second Gulf War, the U.S. Air Force will drop 10,000 pound "nude bombs" on Iraq.

According to tests performed by the Air Force and bomb creator Norman St. Savage, the bomb, when detonated, will strip every shred of clothing from the population. Every burqua, every robe, down to the last swatch of cloth will be destroyed. The population, which is largely conservative and Muslim, will quickly surrender, allowing us to dress them in all the latest fashions from Old Navy, according to St. Savage.

In the memo, Savage is quoted as saying "What could be better for these poor, oppressed people than to be stripped of the shackles that Saddam has kept them in and to have them replaced with some fabulous Old Navy cargo pants?"

2003-03-10T22:56:00.000-05:00

Bush and White House Team to Strip in Support of War

Today at 2PM on the White House Lawn, President George W. Bush and his team stripped for the cameras as they spelled out the words "Regime Change".

Said National Security Agency Head Condoleeza Rice as she stood stark naked while waiting for the photographer to set up, "We kept reading in the newspapers about all these nude protests for peace and all the publicity they generated and we thought, 'Hey, if stripping makes people more aware of your ideas and policy stances, then why shouldn't it work for us too?"

Secretary of State Colin Powell and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld helped make up the letter "C" in "Change". Both were enthusiastic about the idea. Said Powell, "In Iraq, you wouldn't see this happening. Freedom is a word that the Iraqi people are not allowed to know. By stripping for the liberation of Iraq, we are committing ourselves to granting the Iraqi people that freedom while enjoying the freedom of being one with nature."

Added President Bush, "We stand before God as he brought us into this world. There can be no shame in our stance."
Vice President Cheney complained, saying that he wished they could have waited until May to make this point. "It would have been a lot warmer. What with the shrinkage and all, I was a bit reluctant to do this. But, I think it sends the right message."

Only Attorney General John Ashcroft refused to participate, saying that seeing boobies would cause him to go "straight to hell".

2003-03-09T23:50:00.000-05:00

Pelosi: If We Just Leave Iraq Alone, Terrorists Will Leave Us Alone

House Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi of California drew a standing ovation from the Communications Workers of America Sunday as she stated her opposition to an Iraq war at this time. Bush has alienated allies in the war on terror, she said.

"What we are planning to do in Iraq will cause a wave of terrorist attacks on our country and our allies. Why should we invite such carnage on ourselves when they will leave us alone if we leave Iraq alone? If we don't attack Iraq, then we won't be hit by terrorists anymore. It's just that simple. There aren't any grand plans to hit us right now if we do nothing. They're only planning attacks because we're planning to attack them. Why provoke such attacks?"

When Pelosi was asked in a press conference after the speech what had provoked the September 11th attacks since we hadn't attacked anyone in the Middle East before then, Pelosi stared blankly at the reporter for a few seconds and then said "No War for Oil."

2003-03-09T21:05:00.000-05:00

British Minister Will Quit If Iraq War Commences Without Support From "Commies and Dictators"

A leading member of British Prime Minister Tony Blair's Government has said she would resign her position if the country went to war with Iraq without the backing of "known communists and third world dictators" in the United Nations.

"I will not uphold a breach of international law or this undermining of the UN and I will resign from the government," International Development Secretary Clare Short said. "It is sad state of the world today that Britain and the United States would even think of waging war on a brutal and dangerously maniacal dictator without the backing and full support of communist regimes such as China and various thrid world cesspools."

"I think I owe it to my colleagues in the Government and members of the Labour Party to just be truthful about my position.

"It's the time to say what my intentions are," she said, "and my intentions are to resign rather than allow the world to proceeds towards war without letting important world leaders like Cameroon and Angola have their say in the matter."

"Who are we to protect the civilized world if we don't have the backing of the Angolans? That's just lunacy! Next thing you know the U.N. Council on Human Rights will come cracking down on us. We don't want that to happen. We couldn't stand up to the scrutiny that the Libyans would put us under."

"Remember, when it comes to acting internationally, if it can't be done unanimously, it shouldn't be done at all."
"We're undermining the UN, it's a recruiting sergeant for terrorism, there's a risk of a divided world, with a weakened UN and we shouldn't be doing it like this," she said. "For God's sake, what would the UN be like if this happens? We have a strong UN now that won't enforce its own resolutions. How can we live with a body that can't live up to that standard in the future? How can we weaken a body that shows such strength of character? A body that never, ever lets politics decide what is the right thing to do."

Source material from ABC News

2003-03-07T14:46:00.000-05:00

Lord of the Humps

-- Former "Riverdance" star Michael Flatley filed a $100 million lawsuit against a woman who he says slandered his lovemaking abilities.

In the suit filed in Los Angeles Superior Court on Thursday, Flatley accused the woman of attempting to humiliate him by fabricating stories of a sexual tryst between the two.

In an interview with People Magazine, Kristin Gellner, 36, of Santa Monica, CA claimed that she had sex with Michael Flatley and that it was a very "unique" experience.

Said Gellner, "He lays on top of you and then his body below his waist just flails about. He doesn't use his arms or upper body at all. It was just bizarre. It makes you wonder if he does everything like that and not just dancing. His idea of foreplay was to dance naked in front of the bed, again with just his lower body flailing about. Let me tell you that ir is a very unique sight. I'm not so sure that's a good thing. Then he just kind of leaps forward onto the bed and on top of me, and next thing I know, we're going at it, so to speak. I mean, I know he's Lord of the Dance and all that, but does everything have to be done that way?"

Flatley flatly denies Gellner's story and claims the two met once but never had relations. Flatley also claims that when he does make love, he uses all parts of his body and it is "quite a wonderous thing to behold."

Disclaimer: The above story is a spoof. Please don't sue me Michael. Please? Pretty please??

2003-03-04T20:17:00.000-05:00

Justice League joins Alliance to Stop Iraq

The Justice League of America announced today that it will support the War on Iraq. Spokesman Hawkman had the following to say, "After much deliberation and 5 resolution drafts, the Justice League of America has voted to support the United States in its war to disarm Saddam Hussein."

According to sources inside the Justice League, the debate was often tense and divisive. Of the Five Charter Members, two had been threatening to use their veto power over authorizing help for the war. Charter Members Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman had been pressing for a resolution supporting the war while Aquaman and Green Lantern were threatening to use their veto power.

Superman was accused by Aquaman and the Wonder Twins, Zan and Jaina, of using strong-arm tactics on other Justice League members and of using his X-Ray vision and super-hearing to spy on other members. Superman, considered the most hawkish of the JLA, was accused of being "unilateralist" because of his desire to use his powers, which far exceed that of the other members, to "go it alone" in helping the United States in its attempts to disarm Saddam.

Aquaman was most vocal in his desire for a peaceful solution. "If I can bring all the creatuers of the sea to work towards a common goal of good, than surely we can unite the world in peacefully disarming Saddam."

These statements brought about many snide and harsh criticisms aimed at Aquaman. Said Flash, "Hell, he has no business being on the Charter Council anyway. What has he ever done to further the cause of justice? All he does is swim around and get a bunch of dolphins and fish to follow him. You call that fighting crime? Heck, all he does is wait for Superman to bail him out, anyway. He's so smug and so arrogant, and based on what reason?"

Superman and Batman finally pressed the issue. Batman made a dramatic presentation in front of the JLA last week laying out the evidence against Saddam. Using the vast surveillance resources of his Batcave, Batman laid out a powerful case that showed Saddam was indeed hiding weapons of mass destruction.

Superman and Batman pressed for a vote on a new resolution supporting the war on Monday. After much deliberation and threats of vetos, the JLA finally agreed to support the war on Tuesday, but not without some concessions from the major proponents.

Said one anonymous JLA'er, "Superman had to agree to patrol the seas more often as well as do a lot of the dirty work usually left to lesser superheroes. You know, busting up robberies, purse snatchings, you know, grunt work."

2003-03-04T14:20:00.000-05:00

Mardi Gras Rocks Delaware

When people think of Mardi Gras, they usually think of Bourbon Street and New Orleans. However, you don't have to go to New Orleans to have a good time. Just ask the residents of Delaware who are partying harder than usual for this year's Mardi Gras celebration.

When asked about this year's celebration versus last year's, Bart Healy of Dover said, "Well last year Hooters ran a promotion that offered $1.00 off any domestic pitcher of beer, but this year they offered $2.00 off any imported beer. Plus they waitresses gave out beads to the customers. No one lifted their shirt, though."

Whereas there's usually only a few dozen people walking the streets of Dover on a Tuesday, today there was at least twice that number. While there were no parades or topless girls or beer chugging on the streets, there was one Paul Frasier of Wilmington walking around wearing a T-Shirt from Mardi Gras-New Orleans 1999. When asked about how Mardi Gras in Dover was compared to New Orleans, Frasier said, "Umm, dude this is Delaware."

So while New Orleans is partying Tuesday away, people in Delware are sharing in their revelry. After all, it's not really a party unless Delaware is getting down.

2003-03-03T23:22:00.000-05:00

Madonna Inks Deal to Author Five New Children's Books

The first one is a pop-up book complete with female genitalia.

2003-03-03T23:15:00.000-05:00

Daschle Blasts Bush on Homeland Security

This is a real story above, and I haven't even read it. Hell, Daschle's points might even have merit for all I know. But it's gotten to the point that Daschle would "blast" Bush if he helped an old lady across the street, so it's rather difficult to take these constant "blastings" seriously.

2003-03-03T22:58:00.000-05:00

Congratulations!

You've just won the Publishers' Clearinghouse Sweepstakes for $2,000,000. How do you feel right now?

2003-03-03T16:37:00.000-05:00

On American Confidence

Bill Whittle at Eject Eject Eject writes a poignant piece about American confidence and its role as a force of good in the world. A great read.

2003-03-03T11:57:00.000-05:00

Hillary Supports War, Cats and Dogs Living Together

According to the New York Post:

Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton "fully supports" President Bush's Iraq policy, her office said last night - on the eve of her visit today to an upstate arsenal that makes military hardware like mortars and howitzers for U.S. troops.
"Sen. Clinton fully supports the steps the president has taken to disarm Iraq of weapons of mass destruction," said Clinton spokesman Philippe Reines.

In other news, a furious blizzard continues to pound the underworld kingdom of Hades, Trent Lott and Al Sharpton have become best friends and roommates, Michael Jackson admits to being "a little bit nutty", and the FOX network has scrapped all of their reality TV shows and replaced them with a Prime Time version of Masterpiece Theater.

2003-03-03T11:43:00.000-05:00

Bad John! Bad!

LOL, this is hysterical. John @ rightwingnews.com duped a poor Brazilian into thinking he was an Iraqi national in an ICQ chat. Hilarity ensued. Check it out.

2003-03-02T22:24:00.000-05:00

HEADLINE 2007: United Islamic Republic Holds World's Oil Supply Hostage

President Saddam Hussein of the United Islamic Republic (UIR) announced today that he was raising oil prices by 45%. Hussein, who recently seized control of the Saudi oil fields in a war that lasted only 2 short months, now controls over 2/3 of the world's known oil reserves.

U.S. President Howard Dean announced that he would be submitting a proposal to the UN that would denounce the UIR for holding the world hostage. When asked about possible military reprisals against the UIR, Dean said, "We all know that given Hussein's arsenal of nuclear and biological weapons, that we cannot risk a war with the UIR. Hussein has made it very clear that any attempt on our part to liberate Saudi Arabia or the former United Arab Emerites, Iran or Kuwait would meet with serious consequences. While he cannot reach the U.S. with his ballistic missles, he has threatened to launch missles at Tel Aviv, Paris and London, to name a few targets. We simply cannot risk the loss of life that would result in an invasion of the UIR at this point. We're having enough trouble keeping terrorists out of this country."

The UIR was formed 3 years ago after Hussein launched a strike against Iran, which had just overthrown it's Islamic theocratic government for a more Western-style democracy. During the turmoil, Hussein's tanks rolled in from Iraq and he threatened to nuke Tehran if they did not surrender immediately. The U.S. made noises about invading Iraq, but Hussein detonated a small nuclear device over Kurdish settlements in Northern Iraq and announced that any move made on Iraq would result in a nuclear strike at Israel.

Shortly after Iran was assimilated, Hussein's tanks rolled into both the UAE and Kuwait. By early 2007, Saudi Arabia was the next to fall.

Some experts feel that the formation of the UIR could have been prevented had the coalition led by the United States and Great Britain been allowed to invade Iraq in Spring of 2003. However, attempts to resolve to enforce 17 UN resolutions were unsuccessful, and given rapidly hostile world opinion towards the idea of invading Iraq, Bush finally backed down and allowed the UN to continue weapons inspections. Emboldened, Islamic terrorists carried out more attacks across the globe after the U.S. withdrew its forces from the Middle East. The U.S. was suddenly viewed as a paper tiger that would not carry out its threats and was too crippled by the "peace at any cost" factions in its populations.

Inspections continued over the next year, turning up nothing. Finally, in June of 2004, Iraq expelled the inspectors after the Iranian revolution and promptly invaded. It was then that Hussein revealed his arsenal to the world, forcing the world to sit idly by and watch as he gobbled one nation after the other in the Middle East.

Given the disasterous results that bending to world opinion caused, Bush was voted out of office in 2004. Vermont Gov. Howard Dean cruised to victory, pounding Bush's foreign policy failures to great success on the campaign trail. There was no small amount of irony in the fact that Dean had been a powerful advocate of the course Bush ultimately took just a year before the campaign.

When asked what the world could do about Hussein's price demands, President Dean responded, "We will do what we have always done over the last 5 years, we will go to the UN and leave it in their hands. Saddam must listen to world opinion on this matter."

Credit for some of the ideas and material in this scenario goes to E. Nough at Thinking Meat.

2003-03-02T16:50:00.000-05:00

Al-Qaeda's Chief of Operations Captured

But remember, Iraq is diverting our attention from the war on terrorism.
Source: BBC

2003-03-02T16:12:00.000-05:00

Dueling Nude Protests

About 300 women stripped for peace today, spelling out the words "No War" with their bodies. Said organizer Jamie Howard, "We felt we had to make a statement to the world. We feel that war is wrong, no matter what the reason. I'd rather live uner the yolk of oppression than see one single person die in a war. I just hope and pray that our message of peace will be heard."

Across the street, 200 anti-Saddam protestors responded to Howard's protest by stripping naked and spelling out "Bite Me" with their bare flesh. Said counter-organizer Josh Levin, "These idiots don't deserve to live under the blanket of freedom that others have died to grant them. Oh sure, they have a right to say what they want to say, but we have a right to respond to them. And our response is 'Bite Me'".

2003-03-02T16:06:00.000-05:00

Pakistanis Protest Against War, For Terrorism Against Infidels

Tens of thousands of Pakistanis have filled the streets of Karachi to protest against possible military conflict in Iraq, as anti-war protests continued across the globe.

Up to 100,000 are thought to have attended. Protesters marched with posters, some depicting al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden, while others carried banners denouncing any prospective war as merely a pretext to acquire Iraqi oil.

Said one protestor, "We must stop the evil Westerners from waging war against Muslims. War is wrong, there is no reason for innocent Muslims to die. That is why we must blow up the infidels wherever we may find them!"

2003-02-28T15:36:00.000-05:00

Where's my Archives you Ask?

My luck, I get linked by DailyPundit and my archives disappear. Thank you Blogger. This only happens every other day. I'll be moving to Movable Type in this next few weeks with the help of Josh from Blog of Xanadu. Until then I have to put up with this.

2003-02-28T13:16:00.000-05:00

Lileks on Dan Rather, Impending War and the Right Things Done by the Wrong Men

Interesting read. Via Blog of Xanadu

2003-02-28T11:13:00.000-05:00

Face Transplants

Source: This is London

The first person ever to receive a face transplant is likely to be a 16-year-old Irish girl who suffered horrific injuries as a baby when her father's car exploded into flames.

Lena Marie Murphy will have the surgery at the Royal Free Hospital in north London within months in an operation which will make medical history.

Once a board of ethics, headed by Falklands War veteran Simon Weston has given the go-ahead, Lena will receive the face of a dead donor, removing her own severely burned face.

Doctors in America have reportedly already lined up the first American recipient of a face transplant. Pop star Michael Jackson will be receving the face of former TV and movie star Angela Lansbury.

2003-02-28T09:47:00.000-05:00

Peaceful Disarmament of Iraq Continues According to France

French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin said on Friday that the peaceful disarmament of Iraq is continuing successfully. A new batch of weapons was turned over to UN Inspectors for destruction today.

”Today,” Villepin said, “Iraq has shown its continued willingness to cooperate with UN Inspectors by turning over more of its weapons stockpile. Iraq has turned over to inspectors four handguns, two grenades, a crossbow, a hunting knife, some good sized rocks and some diluted acid that could cause a very bad rash should it come in contact with exposed skin. I say to the Security Council that Saddam Hussein is disarming and that war is not necessary in the face of such goodwill.”

When asked about Villepin’s speech, U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said, “Well, the French would know about rashes, wouldn’t they?”

2003-02-28T09:09:00.000-05:00

Russia To Block Any Attempt At UN Resolution Enforcement

From Yahoo News:

"Russia has the right to a veto in the U.N. Security Council and will use it if it is necessary in the interests of international stability," Ivanov said at a news conference.
"Of course, if you use the veto power you should fully understand the responsibilities of it before using it. It can only be used for international peace and stability," Ivanov said. "At the same time Russia will not be in favor of any new resolution which allows the use of military force directly or indirectly to solve the Iraqi issue."

That's an incredible quote. What Ivanov has basically said is that Russia will refuse to allow the actual enforcement of any of the 17 previous UN resolutions. Tell me again what the hell the point of the UN is if they will not enforce their own mandates? That's like arresting someone for a crime and turning them loose without actually punishing them. What motivation does that give to actually obey the rule of law?

2003-02-27T22:45:00.000-05:00

Couric Goes Insane

Millions of viewers of the Today Show on NBC were shocked when in the middle of an interview with health guru Richard Simmons about his new book Prancing Off the Pounds, Katie Couric suddenly went completely and totally insane.

Couric interrupted Simmons in mid-cry and suddenly jumped up on her chair. She began singing "Oklahoma" while lifting up her dress and showing her fire engine red underpants. She then ran to the windows where passersby outside 30 Rockefeller Center can watch the show being taped and lifted her shirt while screaming "You want to see a show, here's a show for you!" The last thing viewers saw before the shocked producers cut away was Courics twisted and maniacal face running towards the camera while Richard Simmons was crying hysterically in the background.

Couric is currently under 24 hour supervised care at an undisclosed location.

2003-02-27T22:31:00.000-05:00

Next Level in Reality Series Reached

FOX has announced a new reality TV show that will bring the genre to the next level. The Show, Are You a Hot Naked Millionaire Bachelorette Who Can Sing While Getting Married By America?

According to FOX executive Lance Stanley, "It combines the best of all the features of the reality TV genre. You've got millions of dollars, a bachelorette, singing, America voting and, here's the kicker, hard core nudity!"

The show will follow a contestant as she sings in front of 3 judges, who pick at her physical appearance, while trying to fool eligible bachelors into thinking she has millions of dollars while America votes on who she will marry while she's naked.

The show debuts Thursday, March 7 at 9 PM.

2003-02-27T22:25:00.000-05:00

Iron Blogger

I think the blog world should have an "Iron Blogger" contest. Kind of like Iron Chef. Today, you will blog about....THE FRENCH!

2003-02-26T23:46:00.000-05:00

UN, Saddam Propose Historic Accord

Hans Blix arrived at the UN in New York today holding aloft and agreement reached between himself an Saddam Hussein this week. Blix proclaimed at a meeting of the UN Security Council that the agreement is "historic" and would finally bring about "peace in our time".

The framework agreed to by Blix and Hussein arranges for Iraq to disclose the location of one banned weapon per week. The UN inspectors will then arrive on site and verify the destruction of said weapon.

Blix said, "If our estimates of Saddam's arsenal are correct, he should be fully disarmed and in compliance with Resolution 1441 within 225 years. Finally, Iraq has agreed to a framework of disarmament and we will finally have the peace that we have all so desperately sought."

The agreement was immediately hailed by France and Germany as the answer that the UN has been desperately searching for to resolve the Iraq crisis and that it was obvious the US could not refuse to ratify such a bold agreement. There was no immedaite comment from U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell, who was seen in a corner of the room beating his head through the wall.

2003-02-26T22:54:00.000-05:00

New Weapon in the Fight Against Telemarketers

TeleFence, a Charlotte based telecommunications company, announced a new invention today that will help consumers in the fight against intrusive telemarketers. The invention, called ShockWave, attaches to your phone. When a telemarketer calls and you answer the phone, you simply press the red button on the ShockWave device. The device then sends a very strong electric pulse through the phone lines. The consumer will know it has worked when he or she hears the agony filled screams of the telemarketer on the other end.

The base level ShockWave device emits one 5 second pulse and starts at $89.99. Upgraded models can emit 3 different levels of pulse strength and can emit pulses for as long as 30 seconds, for those truly stubborn telemarketers.

When asked about how safe these devices were, TeleFence CEO Brad Lohaus said, "We've done extensive testing on this device and have involved some of the finest medical researchers and doctors. There is no medical danger to anyone who is on the receiving end of these shocks. Oh sure, they'll have a wild hairdo and maybe some slight burn marks on the ears, but there will be no permanent damage. We feel there will be a huge demand for these devices, especially since these arrogant telemarketing pricks keep inventing new ways to by-pass new privacy technology designed to keep them out of our homes. Since they can't take a hint, we'll drop the subtlety and speak loud and clear."

2003-02-26T13:31:00.000-05:00

New links

Blog of Xanadu has been added to the links on the left. Josh loves tweaking the same targets I do (Hollywood nitwits, peaceniks, human shields) and shares the same love of Lord of the Rings. Drop on by and give him a read. You'll be glad you did.

2003-02-25T23:33:00.000-05:00

American Idol Needs a Breath of Fresh Songs

I watched Idol again tonight. I'm a certified addict. One theme I've noticed going through the judges' comments is that the "song choice was all wrong for you". I would tend to agree that the contestants just aren't picking the kinds of songs that would really get them noticed by the American public. What they need is someone like me picking songs for them. Here are just a few of my song suggestions for the Idol contestants for future competitions:

Flash..Aaaaaa..He saved everyone of us!

These are just a few of the ideas I have. I've got tons more where those came from. No, no, no need to thank me. I perform a service. When you win Idol you can toss me a percentage of your contract and a producer credit on your CD.

2003-02-25T19:39:00.000-05:00

Hewlett-Packard Announces New Earnings Goals Thanks to Major Cost Cutting Move

Computer and printer maker Hewlett-Packard Co. today announced a bold initiative to cut costs, which allowed them to revise their earnings projections for the first quarter of 2003.

Palo Alto, California-based HP announced that by switching from Quilted 2 ply toiler paper in its company rest rooms to generic one ply toilet paper, the company would achieve a huge cost savings of about $3,000 per year. This allowed the company to revise its projected 1st quarter net income from $721 million to $721 million and 3 thousand dollars.

Said HP VP of Operations Harold Davis, "It's bold cost cutting moves like this that show we are committed to our shareholders and committed to be the leanest, meanest computer and printer maker in the world. We may have really sore butts, but we won't have to be sore losers!"

2003-02-25T11:44:00.000-05:00

Michael Jackson Sues Himself Over Home Movies

In a surprise move today, attorneys for pop star Michael Jackson have filed suit against himself for the public airing of home movies which portray him as "crazy and unstable".

The singer gave an interview to the TV show Dateline NBC and allowed them to air about 20 minutes worth of footage from home movies taken by Jackson and the various children he has over for "sleepovers". In the footage, Jackson exhibited incredibly bizzare behavior and talked extensively about his various plastic surgeries.

The singer was reportedly furious at himself after he saw the movies air on TV and decided to sue himself for defamation of character and selectively choosing only home movies that didn't show "the real me".
Defendent Jackson could not be reached for comment.

2003-02-24T19:46:00.000-05:00

Anti War Movement Deploys Shields & Yarnell to Iraq

At a press conference held today in San Francisco, various anti-war movements gathered to announce the deployment of Humans Shields & Yarnell to Iraq in the hopes of diverting U.S. attacks.

Anti-war spokesperson Jennie Giaquinta said, "After we had read that the big busload of human shields had made it to Iraq successfully, we were very encouraged. Some us felt, though, that may not be enough of a deterrant to the evil Bush junta. Therefore, we decided to send beloved 70's mime act Shields & Yarnell to Iraq. We feel that not even Adolf Bush and his minions could find it in their heart to extinguish the lives of two of America's greatest entertainers. After all, everyone loves a mime, right?"

Shields & Yarnell were not available for comment. Their manager did deliver this statement from the famous duo, " ".

2003-02-24T09:13:00.000-05:00

New links

Welcome 3 new great blogs to my links:

The Talking Dog

UnFossilized

And the last has been on my list for a week or so now, but here's the official announcement for The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiller

I'm at work now so I can't go into any more detail but check them out. They're all terrific reads.

2003-02-23T18:51:00.000-05:00

MTV ~~News~~ Propaganda On the War

OK, no satire here, this is the honest deal. I never watch MTV anymore. Bill Maher once Called MTV "evil" and I pretty much side with him on that opinion. Not because of the music but because of the message that image is everything and nothing else matters. They sell a lifestyle of the thin, cool and beautiful and if you don't measure up to that standard, well then you might as well go crawl under a rock. It's a horrible message that they send to American teens.

Today I happened to be in the basement apartment to my house, where my sister lives. She had MTV on. MTV "news" happened to come on an they were "reporting" on the war with Iraq. It was basically a show filled with one-sided anti-war propaganda. It was shameless and slimy and was putting out misinformation better than Saddam could ever hope to accomplish.

The worst offender was an "interview" conducted by an MTV "reporter" with an Iraqi family, specifically 3 teenage boys. They asked the boys what they thought of America and the war. They were saying their family was going to flee to Jordan and they asked George Bush to please not do this to the Iraqi people. They then brought us on a tour of their house. They had a nicer house than anyone I knew growing up. They had 2 nice cars, Playstations, and listened to the Backstreet Boys and Britney Spears. The obvious message MTV was trying to plant in the minds of American youths is that Iraqis are just like us so when we attack them, all these innocent folks who live lives just like ours will needlessly die. What a total crock of shit.

MTV goes out and picks a family that is completely non-representative of the average Iraqi family in an attempt to sway us into thinking we're bombing folks who live pretty much like we do. Iraqis do not live lives like us. They do not vote (not in real elections anyway), they have no freedom of speech and if they speak out against the government they DIE. Most Iraqis live in poverty, and no my friend, that is not the fault of the US. It is Saddam's fault.

This was propaganda of the most shameless variety. If there are significant portions of our nation's youth that rely on this tripe as their source of "news", then it's no wonder so many young people seem to skew so far to the left. They posted an "MTV Poll" that showed 82% of Americans supported invading Iraq only with UN support. Given that the average MTV viewer is between the ages of 12 and 21, I guess we shouldn't be too surprised by that statisitic. But it's also shamelessly misleading.

The recent peace protests were also shown and many comments from peace protestors were aired. Not one, repeat, not one war supporter was given any air time to rebut any of the idiocy that was aired.

I guess I should't be surprised. It is hardly news that MTV is spitting out leftist propaganda on its "news" show. I just didn't quite digest this fact until I saw it for myself. I'd write them, but what do they care what a 31 year old CPA thinks? I'm hardly their target audience.

2003-02-23T12:13:00.000-05:00

Idiotarian Anti-War Ramblings to Replace Music at Tonight's Grammy Awards

The organizers and performers involved in tonight's Grammy Awards have decided to do away with the usual musical performances and concentrate on an ill-informed, emotion-filled, yet factless anti-war message.

Musician Sheryl Crow said, "Instead of musical performances, each artist will get on stage holding the anti-war placard of their choice. There's "No War for Oil", "Bush is Hitler", "What Has Saddam Done to the U.S." and many, many more. If we have time, we'll hand out a few of the awards, because that will allow the winner the time needed to share his or her anti-war platform."

When asked if the show will address the need for Saddam Hussein to disarm in order to comply with U.N. resolutions, or Saddam's brutual repression of his own people or his desire to dominate the entire Middle East under his own iron boot, Crow responded, "What? I have no idea what you're talking about. War is bad. If we have no enemies, there will be peace in the world and everything will work out fine."

2003-02-22T19:10:00.000-05:00

Iraq Refuses to Disarm, Cites Imminent U.S. Attack

An increasingly cornered Iraq complained yesterday it might be signing its own death warrant if it obeyed a United Nations order to destroy its weapons of mass destruction at the moment the US is poised to lead an invasion.

"They want us to destroy them at a time when we are threatened daily," said Owayed Ahmed Ali, the director of the Ibn al-Haithem plant, which produces the al-Samoud missiles, after another visit by UN weapons inspectors.

When it was pointed out to Ali that if Iraq disarmed completely, there would be no U.S. invasion, Ali responded, "How can you ask us to disarm when the U.S. wants to attack us for not disarming? By not disarming, we must be able to defend ourselves with our weapons of mass destruction, but if we disarm, we will be completely vulnerable to a U.S. attack. So my question to you is would you disarm if you faced disarmament by force and leave yourself vulnerable by disarming if that disarming was forced on you against you will leaving you disarmed? Answer me that smart guy."

Source Independent (UK)

2003-02-21T19:27:00.000-05:00

Rep. Dick Gephardt Discusses Candidacy, Diarrhea

Trying to fire up party activists after a weak showing in last fall's elections, four Democratic 2004 presidential hopefuls took on President Bush Friday at the Democratic National Committee's winter meeting in Washington DC, including Rep. Dick Gephardt. Gephardt used the forum to discuss his platform for his Presidential run in 2004 and his recent bout with diarrhea.

"I support what the President is doing in trying to disarm Iraq," said Gephardt. "Uh, excuse me, uh, these cramps are just awful. I've had the worst diarrhea for the last 8 hours and it just won't quit. Lord, I was in the bathroom non-stop for an hour before I arrived here. I was afraid they'd have to call in the HAZMAT teams. Good God, the stench could peel the paint off a wall."

Gephardt went on to vow to expand health care to all Americans and said the issue would help the party appeal to traditionally Republican voters currently swayed by other "niche" issues.

"The Republicans are squandering our hard-earned prosperity. Not only have we gone from record surpluses back into deficits, but...uhhh..oh my...excuse me for a minute!"

Rep. Gephardt returned after 20 minutes and hit on other key issues such as tax cuts for working families, a reinstatement of the estate tax and hate crime legislation. Gephardt closed by asking, "Does anyone have anything stronger than Pepto-Bismol here? It really just doesn't work. It just turns my poo black. Anyone? I really could use some Immodium AD. Does anyone have any? Please?"

2003-02-21T17:20:00.000-05:00

Death is Bad Enough...

But to die because you went to see Great White??? That's your final moments on Earth? Seeing Great White? I suppose it could have been worse. It could have been White Lion.

2003-02-21T13:47:00.000-05:00

The Reason We Need to Invade Iraq

No humor here. This is a MUST read by E. Nough at Thinking Meat. Once you read this you'll realize with the anti-war left is wrong and war is necessry, this time.

Thanks to Daily Pundit for the link.

2003-02-20T19:18:00.000-05:00

Martin Sheen New Face of Anti-War Ignorance in TV Spots

Martin Sheen is about to become the face of the Hollywood antiwar movement.

Sheen has cut a TV commercial in which he implores: "Don't invade Iraq. Inspections work; war won't." The ad is set to begin a one-week run today -- initially on CNN, MSNBC and CNN Headline News. The complete text of the commercial is as follows:

Hello, I'm Martin Sheen. You may also know me as your President of Conscience. Our government is currently considering a terrible act of aggression. What we're planning to do will cost the lives of innocent Iraqi people. Oh sure, many more Iraqis will die and be tortured as they live a life of misery and servitude under Saddam's iron boot if we don't do anything, but the important thing is that there is no war. War is bad. Everyone knows that. What has war ever accomplished?

Don't invade Iraq. Inspections work. War won't. We've only given the inspections 8 years to disarm Saddam. That's not enough time. How can we expect the inspectors to find willfully concealed weapons in the middle of a country the size of California and expect them to meet success so quickly? They need more time.

Saddam is on notice. He knows the world means business because there have been 17 UN resolutions over 12 years that have told him so. He wouldn't dare to defy world opinion.

We haven't met the criteria for war. Breaking the agreements of a signed cease-fire agreement and non-compliance with 17 UN resolutions is not a good enough reason to liberate the people of Iraq from a lifetime of misery. We need more than that. When it's time for war, we, the great minds of Hollywood and the intellectual left, will let you know. When you doubt that war is wrong, just think to yourself, What Would President Bartlett do? Then you'll have your answer. Thank you, and God Bless America.

Thanks to Yahoo News for source material.